the commune: You’ll learn to love it or die trying

President Bush shocked observers who somehow still cling to their ability to be shocked by President Bush this week, nominating two-time Grammy winner and bald mullet inventor Michael Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Though lacking in diplomatic experience, the president’s supporters believe the 51-year-old soul crooner will be just as popular among the U.N.’s General Assembly as he is among people with truly horrible taste in music.

“I’m certain Michael’s smooth, soulful style will serve to soothe relations with our European neighbors,” Bush suggested, wiping tartar sauce on his ever-present lobster bib.

Regardless, political observers believe this move to be Bush’s latest and ultimate “Fuck You” to Europe, whose representatives will now all have to spend time with Michael Bolton.

“We were excited at first when we heard a rumor that the new ambassador would be American beach bunny David Hasselhoff,” explained Germany. “But then we got the real news. This is worse than an insult.”

“Michael Bolton is an asshole,” explained France. “And we do not like him.”

“He’s not going to sing, is he? I mean, if he has something to say in meetings, he’s just going to say it, right? Not sing it out like it was one of his cheesy goddamned songs, right? If we have to sit through some bullshit like ‘When a Man Needs a U.N. Security Resolution,’ we’re going to quit the U.N., no shit. Spain is not kidding.”

According to insider reports, Bush’s first choice to fill the position was Ronnie Gaylord of the pre-rock white vocal trio The Gaylords, but the president was disappointed to learn he had been dead for thirteen years.

“Michael Bolton has sold over 52 million albums worldwide over the course of his career,” boasted White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. “How many albums have the president’s detractors sold? Probably not as many. Unless you count The Eagles. They sold an awful lot of records.”

Bolton came to a very small fraction of the public’s attention in the late 70’s, as the lead singer for the heavy metal band Blackjack. However, Bolton’s lush, pussified style didn’t mesh well with hair band riffs, and by the mid-eighties he had discovered his true gift for making music fans vomit with the whitest of all possible R&B sounds.

“It’s always been my dream to lead,” explained a surprised Bolton upon hearing the news. “Actually, my dream was to make a lot of money, but I’ve already done that. Now leading sounds pretty good.”

the commune news is surprised as anyone by Bush’s recent choice, seeing as we all had our money on Luther Vandross. Lil Duncan is back on the Washington beat this week, after beating would-be White House beater Ivana Folger-Balzac with a tire iron and being the first one to find the laundry chute escape route out of the hospital. According to reports, Ivana Folger-Balzac remains duct-taped to her bed, in stably enraged condition.