Calling the jurors who acquitted Robert Blake last week “low-grade retards,” District Attorney Steve Cooley’s post-trial sour grapes rose to a level rarely seen in our modern, politically correct era Thursday during a 40-minute interview with reporters. Cooley delivering a rambling, profanity-laden tirade punctuated by “Fuck Yous” personalized for each member of the twelve-person jury, each one more cutting than the last.
“This was an open and shut case,” fumed Cooley. “What did they think, that Blake really forgot his gun in that restaurant exactly at the exact same time somebody decided to shoot his batshit grifter wife in the back of the head? I’ve heard little autistic kids come up with better lies than that. I hope none of those jurors have children, sheesh.”
“God! I can’t believe how stupid you people are!” Cooley continued, as if the jury was assembled in his presence. “What did I have to do, put a black cowboy hat on the guy? This was one evil, wife-killing dude! Was his wife not pretty enough? Maybe if the papers hadn’t used those pictures of Bonny shoplifting that watermelon we might have got some jury sympathy. I can’t believe they were all huge fans of Our Gang.”
“Did he really say ‘a pack of inbred monkey-fuckers’?” asked legal expert Chelton Baines. “I hadn’t heard that part. Wow, that’s strong language.”
After the formal interview ended, Cooley continued his onslaught over drinks with this reporter at a nearby bar.
“I swear, this human bungwipe made O.J. Simpson look like Tom Selleck in An Innocent Man,” griped Cooley further. “Or if you haven’t seen that, think of the guy from that Harrison Ford movie.”
“Did you see that juror in the first row? Was he actually eating paste during the trial? Somebody told me it was mashed potatoes, but who brings a jar of mashed potatoes for a snack? That guy was four genes short of a wardrobe, no doubt.”
An assortment of legal experts, however, contend that while Blake was definitely guiltier than a morbidly obese fox in a chicken processing plant, attorney Cooley may have, in legal terms, “screwed the pooch” in his handling of the prosecution.
“Aw, settle down, Steve,” countered Blake’s attorney, M. Gerald Schwartzbach, in a separate interview not held in a bar. “The fact of the matter is, Steve bungled this case. Sure, MENSA wasn’t beating down these jurors’ doors, and many of them had to have basic legal terms like ‘trial’ explained to them numerous times, but I don’t think anyone was ‘clinically brain-dead,’ to use Steve’s term. I mean, what did he expect after parading all those junkies, snitches and piles of walking human shit up onto the witness stand? I’m surprised he didn’t subpoena Jose Canseco or Scott Peterson. What, were Benedict Arnold and the boy who cried wolf too busy to drop by?”
“Playing ‘Blame the Jury’ is the oldest cop-out in the Lawyer’s Handbook,” agreed smug attorney Nelson Arbuckle, waving a copy of the Lawyer’s Handbook. “Everybody knows the jury is just a blob of stupid putty that you need to mold into a coherent mass of guilty-voting.”
“Anybody who doesn’t know that doesn’t deserve to wear the Lawyer’s Ring,” concluded Arbuckle, brandishing a gaudy turquoise ring on his pinky finger.