The sound of big, scary men whining grew louder this week with the news that the Missouri House (similar to the Ronald McDonald House, only more Missoury) has upheld state governor Matt Blunt’s decision to ban all video games from the state’s prisons. While the public’s reaction has been mostly along the lines of “They have video games in prison? Is there anything those assholes don’t have?” the reaction from inmates statewide has been much bitchier.

“Man, this shit is whack,” complained Tyrell Doogins, convicted three-time murder and NBA LIVE fanatic. “If I can’t get my GTA on, I gonna be killin’ some suckers for real.”

The move by Blunt came after months of criticism by victim’s-rights groups disturbed by the prospect of prisoners reliving their real-life criminal exploits, and earning gaudy high scores for doing so, through such violent games as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Hitman: Contracts.

But not all inmates agree with that line of reasoning.

“Man, that shit is so fake,” bitched lifer Tug Borrows. “That gun doesn’t recoil anything like that, this game is for pussies.”

Prison officials have also accused some popular titles, like Acclaim’s Prison Riot and Rockstar’s Shower Shiv 2 of instigating real-life violence within the state’s correctional facilities.

“It’s the age-old question of art imitating life, or life imitating art,” explained cultural critic and perpetual college student Justin Blake. “Just because two inmates drop their controllers and get into a knife fight in the middle of playing Eidos’ Prison Rec Room Knife Fight Gold Edition, it’s impossible to say if the game caused that behavior, or if Eidos just did a good job getting the details right. After all, that kind of stuff went on long before they had video games in prisons. They used to blame that old Gregory Peck movie, Change That Channel and I Break Your Face for the same kind of things.”

While highly violent games like Grand Theft Auto and Max Payne are by far the most popular in America’s prisons, there do remain small pockets of gaming inmates dedicated to non-violent titles, who feel like they’re being unfairly punished by the total ban of all video game types.

“Sure, not a lot of guys in the joint are as into Roller Coaster Tycoon as I am,” admitted Dolmer Grays, a diminutive and heavily-bruised inmate in Jefferson City. “But there are enough of us. And any time we’re not running away from the bigger and tougher inmates, you can find us playing RCT, baby.”

Dolmer had to cut the interview short to escape retribution from a GTA fan, but his point was well-taken. However, it remains this reporter’s position that Dolmer and other fans of pussy video games should spend a little more time in the gym and a little less time on the Xbox if they hope to outrun a beatdown more successfully than Dolmer did.

This reporter also received word of a small but dedicated pocket of Dance Dance Revolution fans in the Jefferson City facility, but was advised by the warden to stay out of that cell block if I valued my anus, which this reporter does.