The president outlined a plan for America’s military future on Friday, speaking at commencement at the U.S. Naval Academy. Bush used the old “good news/bad news” ploy to reveal the facts: the United States will be reducing the number of military bases on American soil, but the president hopes to counter that loss in military might by establishing bases on foreign soil, including new bases in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and others.

“The future of the military will be more streamlined,” said the president, gripping the podium in his usual macho fashion, as he addressed the graduating student body. “The war of the future will have different demands on our country. Fewer domestic bases will be required, since the majority of our defense will involve keeping all countries we conquer in line.”

An aide then whispered something in the president’s ear, at which point Bush amended himself: “Did I say conquer? I meant liberate. Lot o’ countries left to liberate, that’s for sure.”

Bush’s speech came on the heels of a commencement for 976 graduates of the U.S. Naval Academy, all part of the outdated military we’ll be getting away from the next few years.

“We will need a strong invasion force, no doubt about it,” continued Bush. “And once those countries are occupied—and they will be occupied, no doubt, since we’ve got the largest military force on earth—there will be new demands on our fighting men and women. F’rinstance, who here knows how to strip-mine natural resources? Not a lot of you fossils, I bet.”

Indeed, the fossils had no clue, which is why, according to the president, we’ll have to adapt to the changing needs of the new American Empire.

“Gone are the days of the public relations departments, the good will ambassadors, and those large bodies of infantrymen who have traditionally been a pivotal part of wars. The War on Terror requires button-pushers and cool radio-controlled bombers, and a healthy load of transport convoys. And plenty of political figures we can put into power, not to mention the large built-in law enforcement groups, but that’s hardly anything you need to know.”

Members of the press, new enough to this to be naïve, asked the president if countries that should be operating independent from the U.S. military in months to come will welcome a permanent American military presence. The president only nodded and half-affirmed the question was asked, a clear indication that we have enough military might to assure we will always be welcome.

“And there’s no limit to how much we can expand into overseas markets,” said Bush, kiping a phrase from his old college business buddies. “Syria’s not exactly been quiet. Iran’s all acting up. There’s plenty of places out there that still need to be sorted—North Korea, and tons of little countries in the former Soviet Union and all. The one place we don’t need troops is where we got the most of ‘em—the U.S.A. herself. Any way you slice it, the American military’s got a big future. It’s just not on our soil.”

The fossils then broke a long-standing tradition, and instead of throwing their hats up in the air, hurled them at the guest speaker.