Yola, America. That’s a new hybrid black/Spanish greeting I just made up, I think it’s going to be a big crossover hit. Start sending in your royalty payments now, kids. Anyway, we’re here for one thing and one thing only this week: getting paid. I am, anyhow. Why are you here? Movie reviews? I’ll see what I can do.


Batman Vegans
I want to meet the guy who dreamt up the idea for this movie, and kick him right in the dick. You’ve got a perfect opportunity to make a fun movie about the caped crusader (that’s Batman, right? I know Superman had a cape, too, but did he crusade? Not sure about that one. He didn’t seem like the crusading type to me. Though to be frank, it does surprise me a little bit that Batman went over to the Middle East and kicked ass for Christ. I always thought he was a Buddhist or a Mormon or something), kicking rubberized ass and using swank gadgets to do it, but instead you put him on a mission to educate people about the injustice inherent in consuming animal products. God, which one of our favorite superheros aren’t they going to ruin? First, the Hulk spends his whole movie speaking out against steroid use, and then Daredevil wants handicapped access ramps put in everywhere. And now this. Somebody just kick me in the dick and get it over with.

The Honeymoonies
Every once in a while, a movie comes out that’s so crazy it works, in spite of violating every law of what is natural and good. By rights, any screwball comedy about Unification church heads Sun Myung Moon and his wife Hak Ja Han Moon should be cause for rioting and political revolt, but this time it really works. Sun Myung dead-ringer Cedric the Entertainer fills the cult leader’s shoes admirably and perfectly captures the essence of what it is to be a deified by millions yet still be chased around by your wife with a frying pan whenever you do something stupid. Gabrielle Union, who you might remember from not a goddamned thing, is also brilliant as Hak Ja Han, Moon’s street-smart wife from the Korean ghetto who doesn’t take any bullshit and is equally sweet and quick with her fists. Some Moonies have complained that the film doesn’t do a good enough job of showing how Sun Myung is God, but fuck ‘em.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
I’m sure the fanatical fanboys out there will disagree, but I don’t care how much whiteface you put on Will Smith, he still doesn’t look like Brad Pitt to me. Jada Pinkett Smith does a better job channeling Angelina Jolie, though Rick Baker’s work on her animatronic puffy lips didn’t always suspend my disbelief. The heretic in me wonders if they couldn’t have just cast the real Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in these roles, but then I guess they would have had to change the title, and Mr. and Mrs. Probably Are Dating just doesn’t have the same ring to it. For what it’s worth, this hyperviolent remake of War of the Roses does have an enjoyable disregard for the concepts of love and human decency, and it is refreshing to finally see Will Smith in a movie that doesn’t stink like robots.

And that’s that, America. You came, you saw, I reviewed. But not in that order. If it was in that order, then I’m doing something wrong and will probably be getting a visit from the TimeCops. And I hate those guys.