President Bush’s Thursday morning speech to the National Endowment for Democracy was greeted by supporters and detractors alike as an important milestone, outlining more clearly both the president’s thought processes and his positions on topics ranging from global terrorism to the increasingly chaotic situation in Iraq.

“Every rose has its thorn,” Bush explained, addressing questions about the higher-than-expected casualty rate for U.S. soldiers stationed in Iraq. “Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy… uhm. Hmm. Yep,” Bush nodded to himself in closure on that thought.

“How do we explain something that took us by surprise?” Bush continued after a thoughtful pause, addressing his administration’s planning for the post-war rebuilding of Iraq. “Promises in vain, what is real but in disguise. What happens now? Do we break another rule? Let the others play the fool? I don't know how to stop feeling this way…”

“Hold on to the nights,” Bush continued, finding his voice in the words of popular poet Richard Marx before trailing off in dramatic fashion. “Hold on to the memories. Wish that I could give you more, that I could be your…”

Bush’s comments were met by a stunned silence from the audience, except for one asshole who was waving a lighter. Coming under increasing pressure in recent months to justify the loss of life in Iraq, Bush also indulged the audience with his deepest philosophical thoughts on the subject of war and sacrifice.

“We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong,” explained Bush. “Lo... Iraq is a battlefield.”

“Shooting at the walls of heartache, bang, bang. I am the warrior,” Bush cocked his fingers in a pistol gesture to drive his point home.

“And heart to heart we’ll win, if we survive,” Bush assured onlisteners, possibly referring to the administration’s campaign to win hearts and minds in the Middle East.

“Just a little more time is all we're asking for,” Bush continued, amid questions of how long U.S. troops will remain in Iraq. “Cause just a little more time could open closing doors. Just a little uncertainty can bring you down. So if you're lost and on your own, you can never surrender. And if your path won't lead you home, you can never surrender.”

“Never surrender!” repeated an excited Bush, striking something of a pose.

Addressing the recent flooding disasters in Louisiana, Bush dug deep again and offered words of consolation to the survivors, returning this week to their destroyed homes and ruined shit.

“Don’t be afraid to lose what was never meant to be,” consoled a paternal Bush. “After the rain washes away the tears, and all the pain, only after the rain can you live again. I know the emptiness you feel inside, you’re thinking if you break away, you’ll never survive. I’m waiting as my heart beats just for you. Come on and take my hand and I’ll pull you through. But things will never change until you want them to.”

“It cuts like a knife,” Bush said in closing, when some wiseacre in the back row yelled a question about global terrorism. “Ooh, but it feels so right.”