Millions of Americans failed to mourn this week at the death of Baltimore-area rug salesman and unknown modern American philosopher Phillip Flaggart, originator of numerous lite-philosophical sayings such as “A picture’s worth a thousand words,” and “Why buy milk when you have a cow at home?”

Revered by sayings-enthusiasts during the last several decades of his life, Flaggart remained unknown to the general populace despite coining several popular phrases that have clung to the popular lexicon like a wet Jolly Rancher.

“A picture’s worth a thousand words,” repeated sayings fan Dennis Tudd, shaking his head in wonderment. “That kind of says it all, though a picture would say it all even better. You know.”

Even within the sayings-geek community, Flaggart remained the enduring subject of controversy, with factions split between those who believed the man a humble genius, and those convinced Flaggart was a lucky moron. Flaggart himself fanned the flames in a 1987 interview, explaining that he was drunk at the time he first said “A picture’s worth a thousand words” and didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Phil had a real talent for being misunderstood as more profound than he really was,” explained Flaggart’s late wife, Lucious. “I remember that night, and what Phil said was ‘That picture’s worth a thousand bucks,’ referring to a blurry Polaroid he carried around that was supposedly a picture of Farrah Fawcet’s left tit.”

Flaggart fans remain undeterred, however.

“Don’t even talk to his wife,” sneered Tudd. “She’s never been a pro-Flaggart.”

Lucious Flaggart retells a similar story about another famous saying attributed to her late husband, “In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”

“He was standing in line for a movie in New York, and Andy Warhol overheard him say what he thought was ‘In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes,’ a line which Warhol then stole for himself. Luckily for Andy, he didn’t hear what Phil actually said: that in about fifteen years, miniature furniture was going to be really popular. Phil never knew what he was talking about. He was drinking a lot back then, too.”

Whether Flaggart was a genius or a boob, he’s definitely dead now, a fact upon which even the pro-Flaggarts and the Flaggart-doubters can agree.

“Dead, misunderstood genius,” summarized Tudd.

“Dead moron,” disagreed a solemn Eugene Frits, a leading Flaggart-doubter and roommate to Dennis Tudd.

“Maybe he was autistic, you ever think of that?” retorted Tudd, just before the interview grew ugly.

“Maybe you should kiss my ass and do your own dishes for once, buttfuzz,” explained an agitated Frits, moments before this reporter ducked out the fire escape to the sound of breaking dishes, heeding the Flaggartism about getting the fuck out while the getting the fuck out is good.