May, 1999
It's Oscar time, America! And you know what that means: It's time to assert our inborn artistic superiority over every other country on the globe! The Oscars are like the Olympics of Entertainment, where we dominate in every event. Just like the real Olympics! Except for the goofy made-up sports like hockey and skiing that they play up in Canada. I'm talking about the real sports here.

   Anyway, welcome to my Oscars special! What a load of movies we've got this year, huh? You should thank your lucky stars I'm here to keep you straight on which films to root for. I'm going to give you the straight skinny on my picks for Oscar gold, as well as guiding you through the murky waters of all the nominees. Because, as "The English Patient" proved, sometimes they sneak in a real stinker just to make sure we're paying attention. May the best film win!


Best Picture:

Elizabeth
Yeah, like I'd go to see a chick flick. And a FOREIGN chick flick at that. You can waste your money if you want to, but I hear they're playing "Beloved" down at the dollar theater.

Life is Beautiful
Product placement is getting truly out of hand in today's entertainment features. Now they're even sneaking it into movie titles, and I say the buck should stop here! I don't give a damn if Mikey likes it! Keep him out of my Multiplex!

Saving Pirate Ryan
Hands-down the best pirate film since Muppet Treasure Island. The touching, emotional story of a captain's voyage to rescue Pirate Ryan from the Island of the Cyclops Women. Stephen Seagal's directorial debut shines as a true gem of American cinema. Unfortunately, the Academy has not been kind to pirate movies in the past (see Muppet Treasure Island, above) so I don't honestly see this picture bringing home the naked guy.

Shakespeare in Love
Although not the first porno to be nominated for an Oscar (see Titanic, Raging Bull), I have to admit this one might have a shot. Starring Bill Paxton as the beard himself, and Courtney Love as herself, in a movie written by Courtney Love. I'd at least give her the worthless "best screenplay" trophy just for having the balls to write herself into history this way. The MTV generation has a lot of pull with Academy Voters (see previous Best Picture winner, "Empire of the Sun", the Rage Against the Machine tour video) so Love's film may go home with the "Best Kiss" Oscar as well.

The Thin Red Line
Absolutely my pick for the Best Picture of the year. All those trim Russian soldiers marching about, how can you beat it? Definitely the best "Capitalist Pigs Must Die" film of the year.


Best Director:

Terrence Trent D'Arby, The Thin Red Line
Who'd of thought such a pantywaist could direct such a great, macho film? Except for the spurious inclusion of his late-80's hit "Wishing Well" during a Red Army marching sequence, D'Arby's direction is flawless, and I'm personally impressed. I'd have expected him to be a cashier at D'Arby's by now. I'd place him as the front runner for the Oscar if it weren't for the fact that I think all of the other nominated directors could kick his ass to Cleveland and back.

John Madden, Shakespeare in Love
Only a real meathead roughneck like Madden could keep Courtney Love in line during the filming of this difficult movie. He's been quoted as saying that his years in the NFL were only meager preparation for dealing with his star.

Benito Mussolini, Life is Beautiful
Living proof that you can bounce back from a rocky past, and that Hollywood forgives just about anybody. Except for the Hollywood YMCA, you pee in their pool once and you're out, buddy.

Stephen Seagal, Saving Pirate Ryan
Definitely the director to beat, especially because he can kick almost anyone's ass. This category raises the interesting question of who's the bigger badass: Seagal or Mussolini?

Peter Weller, The Truman Show
Who better than Mr Robocop himself to direct Truman Capote's masterpiece? The only real tragedy of the Oscars this year is to think that The Truman Show didn't get nominated for Best Picture. But I'm sure Peter Weller will get his revenge. I wonder if he's got a 16mm camera mounted on his machine-gun arm, or how that works? He's probably the only nominated director who can develop his own film, and who is bulletproof. Kick ass.


Best Actor:

Tom Hanks, Saving Pirate Ryan
In a harrowing, grizzled performance as Capt. Turner, Hanks brings us closer to the heart of a drunk old pirate who talks to his stump than many of us would have ever cared to be. Definitely Hanks' best performance since his turn as the Philadelphia Fanatic in Major League 2.

Ian McKellen, Gods and Monsters
Never satisfied with resting on his laurels from his early success as the tall kid in Our Gang who never said anything, McKellen is back in this remake of "Clash of the Titans". Now set in suburban Long Island, the film features McKellen in a stirring performance, playing an aging Barbarian who falls in love with Jason Priestly. Sure to get the Barbarian vote from the Academy.

Benito Mussolini, Life is Beautiful
Mussolini reveals himself to be a deft physical comedian, leaving audiences howling in disbelief that the WWII leader of fascist Italy can fall down a flight of stairs and land on his feet.

Nick Nolte, Afflecktion
Although the film was nothing but a shameless rip-off of Multiplicity, Nolte burns up the screen as the mad scientist who brings the hundreds of Ben Affleck clones into being. Nolte aptly displays the horror inherent in finding oneself surrounded by hundreds of Afflecks, all bobbing their heads and gelling their foofy hair in unison.

Edward Norton, American History X
Who the hell is Edward Norton?


Best Actress/Supporting Actress:

The Academy's gag category this year. You don't believe me? Go ahead, name three women who are nominated. I'm waiting. Most of the names listed as best actress and best supporting actress nominees this year are actually the names of Academy members' children and pets. You heard it here first.


Best Supporting Actor:

James Coburn, Afflecktion
Playing Quasimodo to Nolte's Dr Frankenstein, Coburn is touching as a hunched old fart who babbles on about WWII.

Robert Duvall, A Cybil Action
Executive producer Cybil Shepherd displays both her megalomania and her lack of creativity in the naming of this film, a rote action flick redeemed only by a stunning performance by Robert Duvall as an ex-preacher who uses his Louisville Slugger to collect on drug debts.

Ted Harris, The Truman Show
I have to admit, after Cheers ended I thought Ted's career was a goner. But he really pulls it out of the crapper as Kansas farmer William Clutter during the "In Cold Blood (Use Tide!)" segment of Capote's magnificent film. Harris was quite believable in the role, especially when his toupee didn't come off during the strangulation scene.

Geoffrey Rush, Shakespeare in Love
Who?

Billy Bob Thornton, A Cybil Plan
Cybil Shepherd strikes again with this unfortunately titled film in the crime thriller genre. Thornton proves that he can play a retard for every occasion with this role as an autistic Midwestern auto sales manager who accidentally kills a hooker and has his idiot friends try to help hide the body. Easily Thornton's best performance since Good Morning Vietnam.



   And that's a wrap! Best of luck in stalking your favorite celebs at the Awards Show this year! Or if you won't be making it to the ceremony, may your favorites take home the gold! Unless your favorites were one of the weak foreign films that inevitably gets nominated, in that case tough luck. Here's a quarter, call somebody who cares. And be sure to tune in next month for more of the new reviews that you've come to depend on!