nce upon a time there lived a happy boy named Peter. Peter had his very own dog and often he would teach it neat tricks like fetching the paper and playing dead and frightening off the Internal Revenue Service Officials. Peter loved his dog very much and he named it Brownie because it was the same color as as his mother's yummy nut brownies, and also because it was short for the dog's royal name: Brownsworth Von Hogglshmilenickinshtoffer III esq. Ph.D. One day, Peter and his dog were taking a walk along the scenic trails of a burnt down strip club when they happened to find, buried amongst the burned G-strings and charred ash of fishnet stockings, a big red wagon! Apparently some of the fetish night enthusiasts had failed to rescue the wagon from the town's furious firebombing.

     Peter studied the wagon. It was old, and rusted, and smelled of latex, but it was just the right size for him and his trusty dog, Brownie. So the two hopped into the wagon and rode off, on an adventure like none they had seen before, give for the time they escaped Nazi occupied France while transporting illegal narcotics for a white slave trader with an extra arm and a bevy of exotic women.

  Along the road, they discovered a small hole in the dirt which appeared to lead down into a cavernous lair of pirate's gold that was guarded by many treacherous booby traps. But Peter realized this was only the plot to "The Goonies," so he decided to instead investigate the creepy house on the end of the block which everyone claimed was haunted. (Of course, the whole block wasn't haunted, just the house)

     He climbed out of the wagon, Brownie nipping lightly at his heels, and began to make his way through the creepy and spooky graveyard in front of the creepy and spooky house towards the creepy and spooky front door where the creepy and spooky doorknob reflected creepy and spooky reflections of the creepy and spooky sun. "Stop nipping at my heels, Brownie!" Peter called out, disturbing the creepy and spooky silence. "It's very creepy and spooky the way you do that nipping."

His hand went to the doorknob, trembling with fear and apprehension. Luckily, Peter's steady hand stopped the doorknob's trembling, and with a turn, the door creaked open. Spider webs clung to the wooden door and Peter warily peered into the darkness. From inside he heard a faint moaning, like that of a toilet that is clogged with Roget's New Thesaurus and being flushed with the lid down.

  He leaned forward, curious what that groaning was and also because Brownie was trying to hump his leg. In the distance, deep inside the house, he heard the sound again. And then, he made that bold first step into the house. Beads of sweat began to form on his eyebrow and make their way down the deep farrows in his cheeks, dribbling past his neck and onto his sternum, the protective bone that joins the ribcage. The ribcage is divided into three parts which, oh, never mind the anatomy lesson. He was scared.

Brownie, seeming to have lost all desire to copulate with his master's appendages, began to search for a good gravestone to urinate on because, well, he's a dog, so we'll just focus on Peter, who by this time has found the top of a staircase leading to the cellar. He slowly made his way down the sagging, wooden steps, as the light began to dim. That moaning became a bit louder with each step. Finally, he was at the bottom, and he turned to see...

a tape deck playing these weird moaning sounds.

     Relieved, Peter ran back up the stairs and out the house only moments before the hideous, blood dripping sucker creature from the planet Venus pounced and would have eaten him up. He happily whistled for Brownie, and jumped into his wagon,  knowing tomorrow would be another day full of excitement! Good old Uncle Jack had promised to take him to a NAMBLA convention and from what he was told, the people there gave out the best candy and even had free horsey rides! What fun! Peter and Brownie rode off into the sunset, content that all was right with the world, oblivious to AIDS and teenage crime and road rage and presidential sex scandals.