Report: ‘Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies
Perennial unfavorte ‘Hitler’ loses ground 
BY MORDECAI "THREE FINGER" BROWN Baltimore, MD

ASSAD THE UNSEEN/AP A brave new world will greet Hitler Caldwell

A study conducted last week found that among the most popular names for baby boys right now are “John” and “Jason.” Least popular: “Osama.”

Scientists say not only has the name "Osama" the least popular name for American parents naming baby boys, it has fallen drastically this year from last year’s ranking.

“Last year’s study showed that Osama was number 435th. Not very popular at all as a name choice for American boys,” said study author and researcher Dr. David Banner. “But this year… oh, jeez. Jesus pleasus. Lookit that. Waaay down there. I’m not even joking.”

Other unpopular names on the list included, “Shitdick,” “The Buttinator,” “Regis,” “Flaccid,” “Ball-lick,” and perennial least-favorite, “Hitler.”

“This is no good,” said expectant mother Sheila Caldwell. “I had ‘Osama’ all picked out and now, well, I’m not using that. It’s a shame though. I had all these outfits with ‘Osama’ embroidered in the left shoulder, like ‘Laverne and Shirley.’” “Not anymore,” said Sheila’s husband Matt Caldwell. “What’s that other one you said? Hitler?”

the commune News would like to point out that if you were really such a big shot, you wouldn't need a fancy Beemer to look cool. A rusted-out El Camino with Taz mudflaps would do just fine. Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown is the long-dead Chicago Cubs Hall of Fame pitcher who seems to have returned from the great beyond, fancying himself a reporter and scaring the hell out of the rest of the staff, except Ramon Nootles, who's never heard of baseball.