Gore Petitions Supreme Court: "BULLSHIT!"
Gore pleads in vain to have election declared "Bullshit!" 
BY RAMON NOOTLES Washington, D.C.

MAC TIGGLY/AP Vice President Al Gore

The presidential election of 2000 now clearly decided in favor of George W. Bush, Vice President Al Gore pleaded in vain for the Supreme Court to declare the election "Bullshit!"

"You know it, the American people know it, who are you kidding?" Gore stated in a formal request before the Supreme Court. "I believe the American people have spoken, and though a clear mandate has not been issued, I am willing to accept the appointment of George W. Bush as our next President. I only ask of you--come on!"

The declaration of "Bullshit!," though it would not affect the outcome of the election at all, would reportedly ease the mind of Gore and Gore supporters and Democrats of the nation as a whole.

"You know it's bullshit," Gore told the Supreme Court. "Now you owe it to your conscience, and to the American people, to make it a matter of public record."

Gore, who is the only presidential candidate of the twentieth century to win the popular vote and lose the election in the electoral college, is being called a "sore loser" by Republican party officials and several bumperstickers on worn-down Ford pickups.

"This is just another case of a hen staying in the coop long after the rooster done got gone," President-Elect Bush mused, sitting on the porch in a rocking chair in shit-smattered overalls with a large piece of straw in his mouth. Bush mopped his forehead with a greasy bandana and added, "Show's over, fella. Time to pack up and let me be president. There's always another 'lection in six years."

Without a clear majority of the voting population behind him, the W. Bush presidency already stands on shakey ground. A declaration of "bullshit!" would put an even darker cloud over the incoming hillbilly.

"It is not the nature, nor the duty of the Supreme Court to call bullshit bullshit," stated Chief Justice William Rhenquist, believed to be responsible for major bullshit himself. "It is an issue for the American people. We amongst the Court can not even agree ourselves, who are we to declare? O'Connor says it's horseshit; Breyer claims it's made him apeshit." Rhenquist then excused himself to the Supreme Court chambers, where Clarence Thomas was being forced to dance for nickels.

The Supreme Court is expected to hand down an official ruling within the next week, although the decision is already being described as "fucked up."

Red Bagel is the commune's fearless news editor and unabashed window shopper. Ramon Nootles is not fucking around with you, got it?