Meyers Denies Being Andy Rooney
Canadian funnyman confuses nation 
BY SELMA BROTNIK Toronto, Canada

NOOGIE TOWNSEND/AP Andy Rooney: Real?

Star of such Hollywood Blockbusters as So I Married an Axe Murderer and Wayne's World 2, Canadian funnyman Mike Meyers today denied all reports that 60 minutes mainstay and purported crystallized fart Andy Rooney is actually one of his performance pieces. Many have taken it for granted for years that the impossibly out-of-touch and pathetic Rooney character was one of Meyers’ best latex-and-bravado creations, ranking with the likes of Wayne Cambell and Dr. Evil among his most popular bits. Naturally, it came as a great shock to millions of Americans to hear Meyers, rather incredulously, denying any involvement in the Rooney project. The comedian even seemed surprised that such as suggestion might be made.

Reportedly, the producers of 60 Minutes themselves were confused by Meyers’ statements, and have called an emergency meeting that may go on late into the night. Our sources indicate that an upcoming The Best of Mike Meyers video has been postponed and will be re-edited in light of today’s announcement.

This turn of events leaves many unanswered questions for Americans young and old. Was Meyers’ announcement merely a publicity stunt aimed at boosting the ratings for60 Minutes? Is it possible that Meyers created the character and later, growing bored with the project, passed the torch to another comedian? Could this explain the disappearance of Joe Piscapo? And finally, the most troubling of all possibilities: Could Andy Rooney be real? Many would sooner believe in the existence of a Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. It seems clear that many people, from small children to the incredibly aged, from construction workers to cultural anthropologists, will be up late tonight pondering that very question.

the commune news would like to thank Budweiser for bringing back the Party Ball. Selma Brotnik has joined the commune staff thanks to this country’s silly quota system. Welcome aboard, Selma!