Beverly Hills Demands $47 Billion in Federal Aid
Blighted neighborhoods in need of renewal BYDIRK SILVERBACK Beverly Hills, CA
CHUCK ADUK for the commune
Beverly Hills residents rooting in their own filth
In an impassioned plea to Washington legislators today, spokespeople for the commonwealth
of Beverly Hills announced the need for federal aid to help rejuvenate their blighted
neighborhoods. Spokesperson Corkey Wells commented:
"It's really sad what's become of our once-prestigious community. Hardly a day
goes by that I don't see scores of former child stars sitting on their lawns, drinking
40 oz wine spritzers while daydreaming about the time Solest Moon Frye came to their
pool party in the eighth grade. And it's getting awfully hard to keep Scott Baio from
stealing the emeralds out of my pool filter! Our neighborhoods are truly in decline.
Why, just the other day I saw Tom Berringer driving an American car! Yes I did!"
Washington legislators could not be reached for a stag party. I mean, comment. Screw
this.
Dirk Silverback is the commune's resident large-bore riflery expert
and the man who knows 37 ways to eat a Cup 'O Noodles.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
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the commune's Big Book of Duke
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the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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Groundhobo's Day
Reports from the field indicate that local hobo "Pukeshitonme" Phil has seen
his own vomit, guaranteeing another six weeks of discount liquor sales.
Clinton Strikes Back
The 45 minute speech consisted mainly of a long riff on comedian Jeff Foxworthy's
popular "You Might Be a Redneck..." comedy routine, skewed to address Clinton's Republican
detractors.
