President Bush Calls for A “Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America”
“Caution is our enemy,” states President. 
BY IVAN NACUTCHACOKOV Washington, DC

EMILIO BERTERNIE/AP President Bush: Friggin' losing it

In the wake of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, President George “Nightmare” Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a “paranoid, trigger-happy America.”

“Now, in this, our greatest moment,” the President said Wednesday following the attacks, “it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I’m so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit.”

Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and “all-out awesome” retaliation against “anybody; make that everybody. They’re all going down this time.”

“Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some sense of normalcy. I urge restraint in this matter at this time. This is not the time to calmly and logically turn to religion, family, or community. Now is the time to pissing apeshit.”

Bush finished his press conference by throwing up his desk and punching out a window in the Oval office.

Later, around 4:30 a.m., the president stumbled out onto the lawn with a pistol in hand, firing blindly at the sky and screaming, “I’m right here! I’m right here, you fucking monsters! Come and get it! If you dare!”

A visibly shaken, tearful President Bush was then escorted by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back into the White House, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

President Bush continued to encourage the nation from a small, dimly-lit room in an unreleased location three days later.

“The high demand for guns, firearms, flags, and gas has been spectacular. The call has been made for quick, thoughtless action. For rage and violence. The American people, as always, have answered the call.

“What was that?” the president asked with wide eyes darting about the dank cellar. “Did you hear that?”

He then fired several shots into a nearby secret service agent who reportedly had a “weird glint in his eye.”

the commune News would like to take this opportunity to express our love for America by flying our Confederate flag at half-mast until further notice. Ivan "Scooter" Nacutchacokov is American as apple pie and has never even been to the Midwest, so you can stop with the dirty looks people.