the commune: you'll learn to love it or die trying

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Osama bin Laden Captured
After Rubber Band
Connecting Torso to Legs Snaps

RALPH MOOK/AP

Osama bin Laden, when he was whole

Long national news-watch finally over. the commune's Ivan Nacutchacokov picks up the pieces.
read all about it >>

Interview:
Doctor stresses daily stretching exercises for all

Little Kids Respond:
Osama's momma so fat she leaves glass footprints in the sand

New Invention to Take Americans to New Heights of Laziness
Segway HT to take away any remaining reason to walk

Spacey and Oscar: Together Forever
Most-favored sardonic actor gets own category

Parents’ Groups to Britney: “Die, Slut, Die!”
Virginal exhibitionist denies charges of erotic lyrics

Americans Everywhere Now Experts on George Harrison
Death of Beatle spawns temporary retention of key facts in his life

C O L U M N S

Giving You The Finger with Rok Finger: There's No "I" in "Camp Songs"
Suffice to say I know of our need to be individuals, I myself am an individual along with my wife and friends, so I do not suggest we all needlessly conform. And even if I do suggest that, I'm willing to understand when people don't obey.

My Friend Polio: Your Honor, the Whole Damn Vending Machine in the Hall is Out of Order
It turns out that swearing like a motherfucker, being a Communist or having a thick Mexican accent are all honky-dory if you want to be a juror these days. Go figure.

Sampson L. Hartwig Remembers...
In the glory days of childhood I could sit for hours and stare up at the sky, provided it was dark. I would count the stars, lose count, start over from scratch, lose count again, swear very loudly, give up, and just look at the moon.

Doh, Gilligan! with Ned Nedmiller: Things You Think When You’re on Fire
“Great Burping Furbies!” screamed the Dane wearing the hat of flames.

This Space For Rent with Ted Ted
President Bush Will Have to Kill a Man to Get Some Goddamn Respect

F E A T U R E S

Clarise Sickhead's Bedtime Stories For Children
Once upon a time there was an ecstatically happy couple named Bitrate and Sorma, who lived in the town of Ringbear near Norma.

Entertainment Police
What it is, America? Entertainment Police is back and on the attack with another two-weeks’ worth of tips and whatnot as to the goings-on in the Entertainment world.

Fanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the commune
How strange it is you’re basically a supporting player in your own dream.

Fortune 500 Cookies
I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family.

the commune's Poetry Coroner
Snooty bugle-playing burglars, why do you bother me? Go to hell, you naked buglers, cease your melody.

Sittin' Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and Jeeter
Hey Shorty, you remember that long-hair fella that we caught living out in Pete Steingel's barn all those years back, what was his name? The Unibrow?

G A M E S

Let's Promote Raoul Dunkin!
If you have any more suggestions for promotional titles that might bring Raoul Dunkin back on board the commune, let us know!

the commune's Manifestos of Fun
Now we are engaged in a great big tent of marryin', testing whether or not monkeys can swim, or any nation so full of monkeys should buy a swimmin' pool, and so you really have to question the logic of buying that leaf net, and that "Pool Jamz" CD that nobody not already sterile can long endure.

Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck

Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist

Free Virus Baggies

Take a Kitten, Please

the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks

Copyright © 2001 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.

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