Bagel Accepts Man of the Year Award
commune Editor receives esteemed award for third time 
BY LIL DUNCAN New York City, NY

BAGEL'S MOM He's the Man of 2001

It’s been a tremendous year for heroes and villains. In its final months, 2001 became filled with turmoil and struggle for many throughout the world. People were called upon to do what they could for the cause of freedom, and many were ready to do what they could. But for the third annual presentation of the commune’s “You the Man of the Year” Award, one nominee stood out above the others: commune Editor Red Bagel.

“I’m delighted and surprised by this good fortune,” said Bagel, accepting the award at a black-tie ceremony held in his apartment. “I don’t know if I’m a hero. I certainly couldn’t say if I’m The Man or not. But this recognition means very much to me. I thank you all.”

Not only was Red Bagel recognized as The Man for 2001, it was a special YTMOTY (or “Yitmotty”) for Bagel: His third.

“Of course it’s a special feeling to be admired by those in the community where you live and work,” Bagel told Ivan Nacutchacokov, bleary-eyed and wavering over by the punch bowl, “and to think that after all these years your contribution isn’t forgotten, well… it warms your heart.”

The “You the Man of the Year” Award was conceived in 1999 by Bagel as a way the commune could make a statement about those in the national and international community who work hard to change their world for the better. Every year in December, names suggested for the newest Yitmotty recipient are submitted directly to Bagel’s inbox by the staff members of the commune. Of those long and varied possibilities, the commune Editor chooses one that stands above the rest and he (or she) receives the year’s “You the Man of the Year” Award.

Bagel knows better than anyone the competition was fierce.

“It’s been a difficult year for everyone,” said Bagel, much better with some coffee in him. “We got to see what people, Americans especially, were really capable of when their mettle was tested. Among others who were worthy of the ‘You the Man of the Year’ Award were: George Bush, Rudolph Giuliani, Colin Powell, Dan Rather, Justin Timberlake, Ashley Judd, your mother, Superman, Hu Cum Inpants, and the commune’s own Omar Bricks. I’m delighted I was chosen, for whatever reason.”

Bagel, a stern face in the world of Internet news, is known for his tough journalistic standards and killer fashion sense. He founded the commune in 1999 as a way to deliver alternative sources for news directly to the world. His achievements in 2001 include organizing the commune staff with multiple firings, strengthening the commune deadline so a new edition is published every two weeks, and correctly calling a bluff when all the guy had was a pair of 10’s.

Ever optimistic, Bagel hopes to get the commune to a daily schedule in 2002, as well as publish his own autobiography and write the music for the movie version, which he plans on calling Hot For Teacher: The Red Bagel Story.

the commune news stays on, even while swimming. Lil Duncan is a senior commune correspondent and looks better in a pair of thigh-high boots than anybody else at the commune, except Stigmata Spent and maybe Ted Ted.