Corporate America Has
Jerked Us Around For Nothing
the commune's Red Bagel seeks a spermanent solution to graft 

Monday, Jan. 21, 2002
In the recent time of crisis Americans stepped forward in probably record numbers to donate blood and anything else that was needed. Except for time, money, and military service, of course, but the point of my argument is that Americans answered the call.

Who wouldn’t be outraged to hear the truth about how their contribution was exploited and wasted by the corporations involved?

Some news organizations have brought you work about the mis-management of monetary funds supposedly going to victims of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks. Ghastly doings there. And word has reached us about the loss of blood following the nation-wide response, blood going to waste or lost through a lack of resources to test or keep it. But what of the sperm?

That’s right, people. Our childlike national media isn’t grown up enough to mention that while Americans lined up around the country to donate blood and plasma, men from every great state also stepped forward, dirty magazine in one hand and the other full of their unmentionables, ready to give sperm as needed.

Was it needed? Perhaps not. The amount of sperm in the national reserve was satisfactory to cover the needs, whatever they could be, of the victims of Sept. 11. But the point is that people donated out of the goodness of their heart, from the bottom of their vas deffrens. They didn’t ask for money, nor for recognition—some even refused to let their pictures be taken or used their real name. But these unsung heroes certainly didn’t count on their gift going to line the pockets of corporate fatasses.

The record surplus of sperm was seen as a silver lining in this grisly cloud of terrorist attacks. It was a way to recoup lost profits from already failing businesses and to scrape together money to cover other failing businesses such as airlines or sickly travel businesses. These corporate scumbags have made spare sperm the extra hidden ingredient in everything on the market in the past few months. While we’re none the wiser.

This sperm, donated for free and now in excess of proper freezing storage capacity, has been used as filler to replace costlier ingredients in standard everyday products. The rubber in erasers, kitchenware, shoes, yes, even rubbers—all cut with free sperm. Donated sperm.

Elmer’s Glue in particular is over 85% sperm in the wake of all this. Classrooms across the country are covered in it, formerly innocent macaroni construction paper drawings given from child to parent now smell like a teen-age boy's sweatpants. Even the milk in breakfast cereals! Filled with the cheap substitute sperm given freely by kind-hearted donors. It makes me sick to think about.

We cannot allow them to get away with this one, someone must call them on it. I suggest calling your congressman (or woman-person) and very loudly and brazenly demand he personally remove the sperm from your breakfast cereal. If he hangs up, call back repeatedly and threaten him with bodily harm. Tell him you have a weapon. It is the only way to see results. Sooner or later, if enough of us stand proud and act as one, we can reduce the amount of sperm in our products dramatically.