The world sighed a mournful “Oh” upon hearing of the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who led the U.S. Supreme Court for 19 years and formed the holy conservative trinity of the court. Rehnquist is the second justice to retire from the Supreme Court this year, and never to be outdone, Rehnquist chose the more dramatic exit method of death in office.

The Chief Justice announced his diagnosis of thyroid cancer last year and his refusal to retire from the Supreme Court, angering liberals and conservatives alike by his reluctance to make the playing field more interesting. Never one to quit, Rehnquist had suffered greatly in recent months from radiation for his cancer treatment and a tracheotomy, actually performed by an over-anxious boyscout on a visit to the nation’s capitol.

Rehnquist began his tenure on the Court in 1972, when appointed by then-president Richard Nixon, marking Nixon’s 29th consecutive mistake. The conservative judge and States’ rights supporter was appointed Chief Justice in 1986 by affable cowboy/leader of the free world Ronald Reagan. Among the Chief Justice’s more interesting cases were a 2003 ruling that marriage is gay and the 1987 case of Clancy Vs. A Load of Bus Passengers, finalizing once and for all that the smeller is the dealer. Queer eyes everywhere also turned toward the nation’s capitol at the Chief Justice’s self-designed stylish robe in the President Clinton impeachment hearing.

Only months ago, the doddering Chief Justice, in failing health, vowed to persevere and continue his onslaught on pro-choice groups and anti-death-penalty fanatics for as long as his health permitted. That’s over now, natch.

“I see no reason to retire while I am still in full possession of my faculties,” said the Chief Justice in July, after having every bone in his body replaced with stronger and more flexible corrugated cardboard. “I look forward to hearing cases in the next session on the vital issues of today, such as whether cats would win in a fight against dogs, who exactly is the new king of pop, and why my car keys always end up in places I never put them.” Rehnquist then promptly fell down the steps, necessitating the reattachment of his head to his body by skilled surgeons.

While the world mourned and the other half pretended to mourn the loss of a great legal figure, others got over their grief quick enough to speculate on the future of the Supreme Court. With two justices to replace before the next session, will the Bush administration bow to opposition pressure to select a moderate and keep the balance, or mere slight imbalance the current court has possessed? Or will the president follow the predictable course of going apeshit with his extremist political ideology and appoint some real nutjobs?

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, inventor of Fleischer’s brand peanut butter snacks, played the cards close to the vest while dealing from the bottom of the deck.

“It’s too soon to talk about such things in the wake of a loss of a truly messianic-like figure,” said Fleischer, smirking irrepressibly. “Besides, who says the Chief Justice is retiring? Chief Justice Rehnquist was a remarkable man, who continued to work despite his many ailments and being, like, ten million years old. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if when the new court session starts we just cart the Chief’s remains in there and continue his long tradition of doing whatever Scalia and Thomas do.”

Nor would we be surprised, but the commune at least hopes the Supreme Court quarters are well-ventilated.