Casio Exslim EX-Z750

Now this is a nice little camera. The only problem is that the buttons are so smalls sometimes they get pressed when the camera’s in your pocket. This is a problem because I don’t wear any underwear, so I end up with a lot of blurry shots of my dick. Still don’t see the problem? I didn’t either, but it made my mother in law throw up potato salad when she borrowed my camera. Advantage: Casio.

iPod Nano

This motherfucker is so skinny you can pick your teeth with it. Don’t, though: waterproof my ass! Also, don’t try tongue-kissing a girl when your tongue is all numb from electrical shock. There are only a few really kinky girls who don’t get all upset when you accidentally slip your tongue up their nose.

Roomba Discovery Vacuum Thing

This thing is absolutely the most expensive, funnest, and most high tech way possible to fuck with your dog. It’s awesome. You set this thing loose in your house and just crack open a beer and watch your dog go apeshit alternately trying to attack and flee from this bizarre little Star Wars vacuum droid. Of course, it’s all fun and games until your dog pisses on the thing in frustration, then it’s really fun games watching the finale as a tiny on-electrical-fire robot chases your dog around the house.

Sony VAIO VGN-TX670P

Now this is what I call a laptop. I don’t know if that’s technically correct or what, if it’s a notepad or tablet or UberPDA, Virtual Typewriter or whatever they’re calling this shit now. But I like this thing, whatever it is. It looks all space-age and shit and it flops open and shut so you can crack walnuts. Also, if you leave it on for a long time playing porn, it gets hot enough to make waffles. Fuck you, stewardess, you can keep your sad-ass little bag of nuts. I’m havin’ QWERTY waffles!

Motorola ROKR

This revolutionary new phone plays music, and not just when your phone’s ringing. About time, I say, I kept running up the bill on my old cell phone calling myself so I could hear “Tainted Love.” Motorola’s latest can play 100 songs, which is about 95 too many if you’ve got bad taste in music. But I guess technology can’t fix everything. I liked the ROKR plenty, except it sucks on the bus when you want to kick out the jams for everybody to enjoy, since it doesn’t play very loud at all. You’ve got to keep telling everybody to shut up and some people aren’t that big a fans of music or shutting up. Also, you’ve got to have a PHD to figure out how to get songs into the thing, it only comes with “Camptown Races” and I’m totally sick of that song now.

Motorola RAZR

I’ve always wanted to shave my balls while talking to my mom long distance, so Motorola’s RAZR cell phone seemed like a natural to me. I was actually pretty surprised that Motorola was on my wavelength there. Picture my disappointment though when the phone turned out to be pretty dull, causing some serious razor burn around the sack area even when used with shaving gel. Things improved markedly after I got it sharpened at the knife store at the mall, though. But you’ve got to remember not to leave the ringer on vibrate, or you’ll cut your fucking nose off if somebody calls while you’re shaving. Word to the wise.

Sharper Image Electric Dogshit Scraper

The best part of being an electronics reviewer has to be not having to scrape your own dogshit. Thanks a lot, Sharper Image. This thing will blast your shoe (or hat, really pretty much anything that’s got dogshit on it) with special ions that don’t do anything, and then de-poo the thing with a vibrating scrubber brush that’ll make your nads hard. The chicks dig it.

Querbo Dancing Robot from Sony

Gay, you have a new name, and it is Querbo. At first I thought this thing was kind of cool, like a midget robot henchman. I even named it Steve, surely an upgrade from Querbo. But when I brought it to the bar to show off, well let’s just say the night ended with yours truly being nearly kicked to death between the pinball machines. And Querbo. I’d rather not get into what became of that happy little dancing machine. Shudder.