Tensions ran high in the world court this week as prosecutors continued what will undoubtedly be the greatest trial of the century, at least for a long time: The world vs. Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, et al. It was a trial marked by emotional outbursts and brutal accusations of crimes against humanity.

Kringle, led into the courtroom with his ankles shackled together and a series of elaborate handcuffs binding his hands, sat quiet through most of the prosecution’s presentation of evidence. For the defense was world-famous Swedish lawyer Jorgen Fiord, who successfully defended Argentine dentist Emilio Rodriguez in 1996 against charges he was the infamous “Tooth Fairy.”

“This man, sitting right here—though he may appear jolly, and have the very glint of holiday joy in his eyes, is at best a worldwide fraud and perpetrator of lies,” presented attorney Manfred Hauser for the prosecution. “At worst, he’s the greatest terrorist in the history of mankind.”

Hauser was referring to the charges levied against the alleged jolly old elf: the first, pretending to provide toys and presents to all the children of the world, when in fact they’re bought and delivered by the children’s parents; two, attempting to set up a non-profit “holiday” religion by infringing upon the beliefs of Christianity; three, initiating and operating international pyramid schemes of “helpers” on street corners and department stores everywhere; four, cruelty to animals, i.e. specifically the training and illegal housing of endangered reindeer; and five, violating labor laws and international laws against slavery, specifically regarding the livelihood of diminutive people.

Kringle had the entire world on the edge of their seats, awaiting how he would plea, when he finally entered a statement of “not guilty” two weeks ago.

The trial has been the focus of the entire world ever since the world-famous “Santa Claus” was taken into custody last year, Sept. 19, 2012, by Russian soldiers while leading a Chechan rebels’ rebellion during his so-called “off season.” Tipped off by local naughty boys, soldiers found Kringle hidden beneath a collapsed chimney that he may have been using as a home for as long as six weeks. The U.N. had planned to try Claus in October of this year, but thought given the circumstances they could postpone the event until the holiday season.

The highlight of Thursday’s trial included the testimony of an anonymous elf, known only to the jury as “Sprinkles,” alleging Kringle used magic powers to extend the days just so he could make his elf workforce work 28-hour shifts. The testimony took a turn for the lewd as the witness alleged, through sobs and comically high-pitched crying, Santa Claus made the workplace even more uncomfortable with the use of a device called a “mistletoe belt buckle.”

“Humbug!” exclaimed Kringle, standing up and shaking a green-gloved fist at the video screen. “Complete and utter humbug! And there’s no use disguising your voice—I know it’s you, Butterscotch! He’s a liar, your honor! Check his closet and you’ll see—nothing but coal!”

Kringle denounced the trial as a sham, and tried to remind the court of the reason for the season, but was warned by Judge Avril Harkrieger he would be bound and gagged if he didn’t keep quiet, and maybe would anyway, if the judge wanted it bad enough.

Each day the trial has been marred by protests outside, middle- to upper-class kids demanded Santa’s release, and several children living below the poverty line demanded years worth of retroactive gifts.