January, 2000
Hey troops, welcome back to Entertainment Police! Sorry for the gap in my columns, but apparently DUI stands for Don’t Underestimate Interpol! Goodness me, well needless to say it’s great to get back onto Yankee soil and back to the hunt for worthwhile Entertainment. A lot’s happened since our last EP: the Oscars, the Golden Globes, the Peabody... and somebody told me Carmen Electra got married! Bless her heart. I asked around, but nobody seems to think Harry Connick Jr was the lucky guy... poor Harry. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. It’s useless to dwell on the disappointments and massive cocaine busts of our past though, so let’s get on with the show!


In Theaters Now:

Being John Malkovich
Daring use of the helmet cam demonstrates the multitude of possible ways people on the street can say "What the fuck is that on John Malkovich’s head??".

Bicentennial Man
Robin Williams stars as a Tennessee-native traveling soap salesman who won’t shut up about his state’s 200th anniversary. A chilling portrait of state pride. Eventually he’s killed in Harlem. Watch for the surprise ending.

Man on the Moon
Hearing Neil Armstrong’s boozy rant about how he’s the "Greatest goddamn thing to ever happen to this planet" is amusing for maybe the first ten minutes, but this documentary has long dry spells between the magical moments. Moments like when Armstrong demonstrates that he can still urinate without getting up out of his recliner, or when he shows how he can take his dentures out and watch them float around the room in zero gravity. It’s touching though when he begins to cry and explains that the dentures only float when no-one’s watching, and now he’s got carpet fuzz on his teeth. The last twenty minutes of the film show Armstrong snoring in his recliner, a daring artistic move that challenges the way we think about on-screen napping.

My Dog Skips
A fierce argument for child-safe windows is made in this film about a schnauzer who tries to chase cars, from the back seat of his family’s Suburban.

Sweet and Lowdown
A deadly terrorist who leaves packets of America’s favorite coffee-sugar substitute as his calling card is blowing up all of Seattle’s great coffeehouses? Who do you call when the odds are long and the stakes are this high? Wesley Snipes, motherfucker. Always bet on black, and hold the cream!

The Talented Mr Ripley
An exciting but altogether bullshit-packed biopic of the late Robert Ripley, collector of oddities and the human bizarre. Nunchucks in one hand, highball in the other, this film paints Ripley as one bad, kung-fu motherfucker who had a soft spot for little kids with brass rings around their necks and guys who could eat shopping carts. But when he trounces an entire school of expert ninjas using only his gargantuan member, one is left to wonder: Believe it... or Not?


Now on Video:

American Pie
The touching story of an alcoholic from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to be a chef at Baker’s Square, this documentary documents his struggles through at-home, Thanksgiving and bake sale pie-making attempts and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever earn that poofy hat?

The Iron Giant
This rote sequel to The Giant Iron isn’t nearly as scary and didn’t once keep me up at night, wondering if I heard a mister button clicking out in the hall.

The Red Violin
Seeking to snatch the inanimate-object leading man kudos from Disney’s Brave Little Toaster, this is one communist-sympathizing musical instrument that’s going to tickle your animated fancy. When he teams up with The Fascist Bathtub and the Socialist Salad Shooter, you know the fun’s not going to stop until the capitalist pigs are dead.

T with Mussolini
Look out, action fans! Fresh off his Oscar-winning turn in Life is Beautiful, Benito Mussolini is back and this time he’s left the pacifism at home! Mussolini teams up with American acting institution Mr T for this high-octane tale of Harleys, shotguns, and shit blowing up all over the place.

Wild Wild West
Adam West is back as a hard drinking, hard-loving two-fisted bar-brawling motorcycle-racing crazy man in a film that practically blows out it’s own intestines in an effort to introduce West as an action hero for the new generation. West’s credibility in this role is marred slightly by his paunch, thinning hair and the Ben Gay tie-ins throughout the film. Also destined to miss it’s mark is his questionable catch-phrase of "That was so dangerous, I think I need to change my adult diapers."