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 February 7, 2005 |
Washington, D.C. Courtesy S’nooze The offending web site, shown here in miniature as a part of the commune’s efforts to reduce world suffering
“S’nooze is some funny shit,” explained uncharacteristically laid-back DoD worker Pvt.Thom Vogelsang, who was soon afterward court-marshaled for unruly facial hair. “I don’t care what anybody says. That piece we did on giving pacifists rat-poison enchiladas was da bomb.”
“Nobody reads our site,” complained S’noo...
he U.S. Department of Defense has come under fire this week after launching S’nooze, a news parody web site featuring a lighthearted look at the day’s events through the prism of the Pentagon’s unique brand of humor. Liberal watchdogs have criticized the site as a potentially dangerous outlet for government propaganda, while everyone else has been complaining that it’s not nearly as funny as The Onion.
“ S’nooze is some funny shit,” explained uncharacteristically laid-back DoD worker Pvt.Thom Vogelsang, who was soon afterward court-marshaled for unruly facial hair. “I don’t care what anybody says. That piece we did on giving pacifists rat-poison enchiladas was da bomb.”
“Nobody reads our site,” complained S’nooze head writer Lt. Col. Danish Marks. “Our site stats suck. The Onion’s got more ads on it than a NASCAR stock car and they’ve still got hits like Usher. I’d love to be within smelling distance of that kind of traffic. But just because we’re the Pentagon, everybody thinks we can’t have a hilariously irreverent take on the news.”
Concerned citizens with too much time on their hands have pointed out the potential propagandic dangers of the site, referring to the fact that S’nooze is run by U.S. military troops trained in “information warfare.” Other, less politically-paranoid citizens have alternately pointed out the failed-humor dangers of the site, being that it is run by U.S. military troops trained in “information warfare.”
Complaints to Pentagon Inspector General Joseph Schmitz recently initiated a thorough review of the site’s contents, which Schmitz summarized as “amusingish.”
“Jesus. Did you see their first issue?” blasphemed freelance media critic Rutherford B. Goods. “They had a feature where you could add ‘funny’ captions to the Abu Ghraib photos, and an essay contest about how pacifism is for fags. I didn’t laugh so hard my sides didn’t hurt.”
Yet another wave of criticism has come at the Pentagon from humorless Americans who were tricked by the site’s lack of successful humor into regarding S’nooze as a legitimate news source. The site’s recent headline of “Iraqis Demand Recount—Not Enough Civilians Killed” sparked a flood of angry emails from readers who had missed the Pentagon’s tiny-type disclaimer of “Sponsored by the U.S. Department of Defense: You been punk’d, bitch!” at the bottom of the page, therefore missing the “joke.” No one is quite sure what to make of the fact that most of the angry readers were in favor of a tragic recount.
“Sure, everybody can make fun of the government all the live-long day, but now that we want to get in on the fun, it’s a crime against humanity,” complained project head Maj. Dean Veiner. “ Entertainment Weekly actually said that, ‘a crime against humanity.’ I liked them better when they didn’t do web site reviews.”
commune media critics Roland McShyster and Orson Welch were both asked to review the site for this article, but the results were unfortunately deemed unsuitable for publication. For one, McShyster seems to have reviewed the similarly-named www.s’mores.com web site instead, and Welch’s review was so bitter that commune lawyers feared it would violate the state’s Hate Crimes Act of 2000. the commune news has always loved a good party. Wait, parody? Fuck that shit. Lil Duncan is the commune’s Washington correspondent and originator of the joke about how many mice it takes to screw in a light bulb. Two, but don’t ask us how they got in there.
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 September 29, 2003
Losing for Dummies"You don't have to be stupid to work here, but you're never going to get workman's comp with that attitude."
I don't like mechanics. Every time my car breaks down and I take it in they asked me if I did something and they already know the answer. "Did you do the regular maintenance thingmajig we told you?" Duh, dumbass, if I did it do you think I would be back here two days later? Then they tell me I should get a road plan for towing and shit since I'm in the shop every week. Nice job, jerk-offs. You don't sell somebody something by making them feel stupid. Unless you're selling those "For Dummies" books, I guess.
I have lots of those "For Dummies" books, because they're my favorites. I've got Surfing for Dummies, Sex for Dummies, Jingoism for Dummies, Safari for Dummies, and Antidisestablishmentarianism for Dummies. I didn't even get through the cover for that one. Best of all, I got all the books for free, since I got Shoplifting for Dummies. I should have picked that one up first, but it's easy to second-guess after the arrest.
The worst one I ever got was Self-Esteem Building for Dummies. I read the whole book and only felt more like an idiot. After all, only a real shithead would finish a book for dummies.
The dummies books are real popular now. They even have people copying them. They have books for idiots, books for novices, books for attention-deficit disorder...
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"You don't have to be stupid to work here, but you're never going to get workman's comp with that attitude."I don't like mechanics. Every time my car breaks down and I take it in they asked me if I did something and they already know the answer. "Did you do the regular maintenance thingmajig we told you?" Duh, dumbass, if I did it do you think I would be back here two days later? Then they tell me I should get a road plan for towing and shit since I'm in the shop every week. Nice job, jerk-offs. You don't sell somebody something by making them feel stupid. Unless you're selling those "For Dummies" books, I guess. I have lots of those "For Dummies" books, because they're my favorites. I've got Surfing for Dummies, Sex for Dummies, Jingoism for Dummies, Safari for Dummies, and Antidisestablishmentarianism for Dummies. I didn't even get through the cover for that one. Best of all, I got all the books for free, since I got Shoplifting for Dummies. I should have picked that one up first, but it's easy to second-guess after the arrest. The worst one I ever got was Self-Esteem Building for Dummies. I read the whole book and only felt more like an idiot. After all, only a real shithead would finish a book for dummies. The dummies books are real popular now. They even have people copying them. They have books for idiots, books for novices, books for attention-deficit disorder sufferers, all kinds of things. There's probably a better way to do it. I sure wouldn't want someone calling me a dummy, if I weren't such a retard. So there's a whole market out there you can tap into. I would call them "Books for Smart Dudes Who Have to Explain Things to Dummies All the Time." You just re-print the same book. The only difference is you put in stuff before it, like, "Okay, you and me already know this, but pretend this total knob asks you to put it in simple terms for him…" That way no one's feelings get hurt and you feel pretty suave and get all the same information anyway. If I was going to do a book for dummies, I would figure out why they're dummies. I could call it, Why You're a Dummy. Or Why You Can't Buy a Regular Book. The whole thing is a huge scam. It's all the same stuff dummies wouldn't read because they were intimidated before. In fact, I'm going to make a fortune because I'm going to reprint all my columns and just put "for Dummies" on the end of the titles. And charge them, 'cause dummies will pay for anything. It will help me pay back for all that merchandise they want reimbursement for. º Last Column: Fresh Stepº more columns
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|  November 12, 2001
A Blow Has Been Struck to the Nards of JusticeLast week "Dandy" Kent Weedman walked free. A jury of twelve of his peers, similar besides all the criminal charges against him, found him not guilty. A practiced American judge presided over this court case, and either he was asleep at the gavel, good people, or the dad-blamed thing was broken and he didn't overturn the not guilty decision.
Either way, a blow has been struck against justice, and justice took this one right in the nards.
Yes, the swollen testicular area of justice is feelin' it now, buddies. Clutching its throbbing scrotum with its eyes rolling, justice can only recollect similar painful strikes it has suffered in the past. But even as those past instances of injustice come back to it, justice shakes its red-flushed head and swears, with a tear leaking from the corner of its eye, this is the worst knocking around of its knobs ever. A nut-splitter from which American justice may never recover.
Much like the average America's Funniest Home Video clip victim, justice stood in khaki shorts and T-shirt over the bat-swinging blindfolded child "Dandy" Kent Weedman, as Weedman viciously swatted at an unseen piñata called the American dream, missed, and smacked with vigor the danglies of justice, as a resounding comical doing! sounded in the background. But Rok Finger wasn't laughing.
Justice, friend to every decent American, was metaphorically standing around on a street corner, minding its own...
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Last week "Dandy" Kent Weedman walked free. A jury of twelve of his peers, similar besides all the criminal charges against him, found him not guilty. A practiced American judge presided over this court case, and either he was asleep at the gavel, good people, or the dad-blamed thing was broken and he didn't overturn the not guilty decision.
Either way, a blow has been struck against justice, and justice took this one right in the nards.
Yes, the swollen testicular area of justice is feelin' it now, buddies. Clutching its throbbing scrotum with its eyes rolling, justice can only recollect similar painful strikes it has suffered in the past. But even as those past instances of injustice come back to it, justice shakes its red-flushed head and swears, with a tear leaking from the corner of its eye, this is the worst knocking around of its knobs ever. A nut-splitter from which American justice may never recover.
Much like the average America's Funniest Home Video clip victim, justice stood in khaki shorts and T-shirt over the bat-swinging blindfolded child "Dandy" Kent Weedman, as Weedman viciously swatted at an unseen piñata called the American dream, missed, and smacked with vigor the danglies of justice, as a resounding comical doing! sounded in the background. But Rok Finger wasn't laughing.
Justice, friend to every decent American, was metaphorically standing around on a street corner, minding its own busines, maybe checking out the hair in a reflective shop window. When "Dandy" Kent Weedman, armed with a crowbar of legal technicalities, sneaks up on it, and when justice turns around to say, "Yo, friend, what up?" Weedman swung the iron bar and justice took it hard in the sweet spot. "Jesus Christ!" justice screams, curling into a ball and clutching its goodies, murmuring "Shit!" repeatedly in a weak, babyish voice.
Who will stand up? If you've ever seen the statue of justice that represents our legal system, the statue, although incorrectly female, is blindfolded and holding a scale in one hand and a book, probably a legal book, in its hands. Its hands are full. How the hell is justice supposed to protect itself? Unh-uh. We must protect the delicates of justice. We, fellow Americans, must be justice's cup.
Though the misled jurors and incoherent doddering judge may think "Dandy" Kent Weedman has learned his lesson, has been rehabilitated, or is no longer a threat to society, I assure you he is. Or hasn't, wasn't, is, answering those questions all in order. Weedman will defecate in another mailbox in the future, just as I assured the jury. Rok Finger speaks from experience. I'm not sure how he picks his target, and even less sure how he manages to get fecal matter into a mailbox--does he squat over it at an angle? Does he catapult it in from some device a distance away? Can you mail excrement? Because I saw no stamps or envelopes on the horrible package left in my mailbox. Regardless, when Weedman strikes again, and he will, I can only pray you are not the next victim.
Meanwhile, justice will pant heavily, hunched over and actively weeping, waving away friends who try to help and declaring it'll be fine in a minute or two. Rok Finger prays it will. º Last Column: I Am A Failure As A Physical Trainerº more columns
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Quote of the Day“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”
-Clement B. DoogleFortune 500 CookieMama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.
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|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY Red Bagel 3/21/2005 A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 11: Plan ZEditor's Note: Captured by the ruthless leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, our hero Jed Foster and his love interest, becoming increasingly less important by each chapter, ingeniously tricked the villain into discussing his plan by saying absolutely nothing at all and letting him fill in the silence. By the way, Daisy's last name is now Miller, don't ask how or why.
"It is a plan so devious," started the cruel Professor von Hufnagel, "so vile, and so downright nasty, that Fox is thinking of making it into a sitcom." The professor rolled up his sleeves and picked up a nearby microphone. "But I kid the Fox Network—good pals. My plan is devilishly evil, Jed Foster, make no doubt about that—and this time, I went through so many variations that I ran out...
Editor's Note: Captured by the ruthless leader of Ostrich Professor von Hufnagel, our hero Jed Foster and his love interest, becoming increasingly less important by each chapter, ingeniously tricked the villain into discussing his plan by saying absolutely nothing at all and letting him fill in the silence. By the way, Daisy's last name is now Miller, don't ask how or why.
"It is a plan so devious," started the cruel Professor von Hufnagel, "so vile, and so downright nasty, that Fox is thinking of making it into a sitcom." The professor rolled up his sleeves and picked up a nearby microphone. "But I kid the Fox Network—good pals. My plan is devilishly evil, Jed Foster, make no doubt about that—and this time, I went through so many variations that I ran out of letters of the alphabet. It's actually Plan ZZWZ, but that's not as catchy."
"Just get on with it, you pompous gasbag," snapped Foster, remembering something he had been called at a book club meeting once.
"I would think you'd enjoy a chance to put off your imminent death," laughed von Hufnagel, who always laughed at inappropriate times, ever since his sister's funeral. "Very well… my plan.
"The corporate oligarchy has controlled the United States from the shadows for far, far too long! And I have developed the ultimate plan for bringing them to their knees!"
"Did you say that or me?" asked Foster, who shook off the déjà vu before continuing. "Listen, von Hufnagel… we've all had it up to our nuts with the invisible corporate conspirators who really run the country. That doesn't mean we can act out with a single devastating, revolutionary blow to regain control. Or maybe it does. What do you have in mind?"
"Nothing so altruistic, Foster," said von Hufnagel, who had just had "altruistic" on yesterday's word-a-day calendar page. "Our main objective at Ostrich is not to free the world from the stranglehold of corporate control, but merely substitute our own. We will be the new world order—and we will not operate from the shadows, but make bold declarations from the… what do you call that? The opposite of the shadows?"
"Porch light?" offered Foster.
"It'll have to do. Yes, Ostrich will usher in a new era of fascism, with me as the Rupert Murdoch at the helm—but again, I kid Fox. And the best part is, we will be using the nation's very own obscenely-large self-guided targeting bomb to ransom the reins of power over to us!" Insert three or four minutes of diabolical laughing in this part. "Well, what do you think?"
"I think there's been entirely too much exposition since you started talking," said Daisy, quite gruffly.
"Yeah? Well, you're stupid." von Hufnagel stepped onto a big-ass airplane stairway, leaving the plane, and gave an obscene hand gesture to signal the plane should take off. The engines roared to loudness. The evil, especially crabby leader of Ostrich turned to deliver his final insult to the his captors aboard the World's Biggest Plane.
"My one regret, besides that try-out audition for American Idol, is that you and your lovely associate won't be there to witness the new age of Utopia when I take over as its unchallenged chairman!"
But Jed and Daisy couldn't hear anything over the of the world's biggest four engines. They tried to tell him, but he couldn't hear them say anything either. So the plot-explaining chapter ended, as the world's biggest plane took off, with Jed and Daisy tied to the world's biggest bomb.
Next Chapter: Deadline   |
