Santa Claus Vetoing All Requests for Paris Hilton Video

espite its popularity on Christmas wish lists the world over, Santa Claus called the commune offices this week to announce regretfully that he would not be fulfilling any requests for the Paris Hilton sex video this year.

The video in question features the 22-year-old hotel heiress engaging in several coal-worthy sex acts with then boyfriend Rick Solomon. While readily available for illegal download on the Internet, many had hoped for a handsomely packaged VHS or DVD copy they could proudly display in their movie collection this Christmas, a wish that Claus will be unable to fulfill for multiple reasons.

“Even if I approved of the content, I can’t even get my hands on the thing,� explained Santa. “They don’t offer broadband access at the North Pole, I’m still using this infernal dial-up connection. I can’t even download MP3s of the latest Christmas carols, it’s hopeless. Though from what I hear of today’s music, Santa may not be missing too much on that front, ho ho.�

Off the record, Santa expressed his concerns that hearing some godawful dance hit about Christina Aguilera getting fucked under the Christmas tree might shake his already strained Christmas spirit. Additionally, Claus wished to get the word out on several other hotly anticipated items he won’t be able to cram under Christmas trees this December 25th.

“The Gilligan’s Island DVD—that’s not even out yet. Just because I can breed magical flying livestock doesn’t mean I can time-travel here, kids. Have your parents check the street dates for these things before you send Santa your list next year, please,� the jolly fat man requested.

“Also, I’m not doing color picture phones this year,� Santa apologized. “My distributor in Korea said he could get me the parts but then he hit some kind snag with the displays and let Santa down big time. He can expect a big, dusty hunk of coal in his stocking this year, don’t worry. Though I sincerely doubt he’ll even notice, since most of those Asian countries don’t know Christmas from a crab cake. I stopped going to Singapore last year because everybody thought Santa was some kind of clown and they all wanted me to blow up balloon animals. Not that Santa minds getting a few fortune cookies on Christmas Eve, those can be a nice change of pace that go down surprisingly well with milk.�

Unfortunately, the Orient has not been alone in letting Santa down in recent years.

“Truth be told, some parts of Canada are even questionable these days,� St. Nick griped. “Last year I plopped down a chimney in Winnipeg and half the kids thought I was one of the X-Men, they wouldn’t shut up about wanting to see me extend my claws or shoot fireballs out of my armpits. None of those little children seemed too impressed with the old candy-cane behind-the-ear trick, either. I’m half inclined to skip Canada this year and see how much Christmas cheer their precious Wolverine brings them in my stead, the ungrateful little comic book geeks.�

Santa stresses that while full of good cheer and the Christmas spirit, most of his elves possess a third-grade education at best, and simply do not have the skills necessary to work with complex electronics.

“I thought it was bad back in 2001 when I had to have my elves dig up a bunch of old waffle irons and slap George Foreman decals on them,� Santa explained. “But now it’s just gone completely out of hand. Nobody wants a painted nutcracker anymore. Now it’s all Playstation 2 this and DVD burner that. I’ve had to farm most of my production work out to the Far East, and though small and well-behaved, I doubt those people are what most children envision when they think of Santa’s workforce.�

The resultant layoffs have hit the Christmas elf community hard, leading to rising levels of depression and substance abuse, aided in no small part by the North Pole’s harsh climate and the poor genetic tolerance for alcohol inherent in the Christmas elf population.

Due to rising tech expenses and soft sales of Santa-themed merchandise, Santa’s profit margins are razor-thin this year, children. Nice boys and girls can show their love for Santa by requesting less-demanding toys this Christmas season.

“Who wouldn’t love a little wooden toy train? That’s a classic. Those are pretty cheap to make, and we’ve got tons left over from the elf rehab workshops. Or how about a wooden dolly with a painted face? That’s pretty nice. And blocks. Kids used to have loads of fun with blocks,� Santa said, sighing distractedly.

Claus also wanted to stress with parents the importance of not arming their homes with high-tech burglar alarms and other security systems impervious to Christmas magic.

“Santa Claus doesn’t like to break a window, but he does what he has to do to deliver the magic of Christmas,� warned Santa in a stern tone.

Dear commune:

I read a preview copy of Kitty Kelley’s upcoming biography of Red Bagel, which I regularly do in the course of my job—read other people’s mail. I couldn’t believe some of the stories she tells. It’s a disgrace. However, I’m not naïve enough to believe she made up everything. The best biographies are 75% truth and 25% embellishment. Or something like that—for a more exact formula, I’d need my slide rule, and they don’t let me have one while I’m working since I’m not supposed to be doing math.
So is it true or what? Or how much of it is true? Because this is some seriously wicked shit to be true.

Jimmy Connors
Trumpet, New Mexico


Dear Jimmy:

Ah, Jimmy. It’s not often we get a chance to defend ourselves from outside allegations, since fearless leader Red Bagel won’t allow us to respond to questions until they’re asked. But he’s been dying to set the record straight ever since that biography-writing harlot (not in a bad way) started digging her rhinoplastied nose into his past. So let’s do that now.

The stories about drug experimentation are partially true, but misrepresented. All of Red Bagel’s forays into drugs were just searches for cures to his uncontrollable temper. No one here has actually seen Red transform into the giant blue beast, and we’re praying to God we never will. You can hardly blame him for messing around with psychedelic drugs and stool softeners in that case.

All this stuff about him knocking Newt Gingrich off a balcony in Venice is pure baloney. It’s funny how stories get all tangled up and the details are fouled up. The real story: Red was having sex with Ann Coulter and punched her in the back of her head while she was telling him a story about Newt Gingrich falling off a balcony in Venice. And the punch was only part of their foreplay.

The thing about Donahue was true, and nobody need apologize to anyone. They’re still close friends, and exchange baking tips over the phone once in a while.
Red Bagel did not vote for Reagan in the 1984 election. This kind of character-assassination is depraved and will not be tolerated. Red voted for Jimmy Carter four times in 1980, breaking his previous voting record of six times for George McGovern. In 1984, Red was distressed about the choice of Walter Mondale as the Democratic candidate, so he declined to vote. But he did burn his draft card in protest of the Vietnam war. It had been over for years, but still a worthy cause.

We hope this makes sense. Or if that’s asking too much, we hope you at least quit reading sleazy biographies. But we hear that one on Bush Jr. is going to be a real pot-boiler. We’re getting ours soon.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the rising gas prices. It can probably be attributed to the flaming reserves of oil in Iraq. If you want to know who started those fires, feel free to ask around, but unless you want a long diatribe, don’t ask Billy Joel.

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