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January 20, 2003
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Hello From Robot Apartment

Hello, country!

Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes.

Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and thensoon another time "Make stop! Make stop for Boris to shit!" and hanging onlittle children while mother hits with purse. This is like Boris life. One dayBoris is living orange castle in special room for honor of brooms, next day bigmustache man is catching Boris with net. Time for move, Boris!

But lucky as duck is Boris, for not long am outside when meeting Louis. Louis isfriend who also is robot. Boris meet first robot friend in life! Yay is party!Louis stand on street and make noise like robot sound "Brrrrrrt!" ...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“I got the blues so bad. Real bad. You know what I'm talkin' about? Uh-huh. No fun. Bluesy blues. Well, that's about all I got to say about that. Song's another four minutes long though. Soooo… Any of y'all from Cleveland?”

-Ugly Carmichael
Fortune 500 Cookie
You will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.


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Top 5 Bands That Shoulda Been Huge
1.James and the Giant Bitch
2.The Throw Ups
3.Johnny Carson's Sister
4.Captain Caramel and the Doo Wops
5.Led Balloon
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BY shamu wells d'froad
6/24/2002
French Prick
I smoked a thin cigarette quickly in one puff. It was what I do. I'm currently unemployed.

From the end of the beach I could see the shaky man coming, walking his dog. The shaky man is called that, by me, because of his never-ending addict trembles that riddle his body. I don't know his name, I've always called him the shaky man, though the dog's name is Boner.

"Bon jour, Boner," I say, feeling it would be silly to address the man, whose name I do not know.

"Don't talk to my dog, you insignificant French asshole," says the shaky man. He has a slight stutter when he says "t-t-t-t-talk" and "F-F-F-F-French." I can't say I disagree with him, I certainly am insignificant and French. I suppose I'm an asshole as well, at least as the standard slang meaning...Read more...