the commune, 9/29/26: You'll learn to love it or die trying

commune fever: die from it!

September 30, 2002

I Will Not Accept My Party's Nomination for President

the commune's Red Bagel will not be a one-termer on any terms

º Last Column: Lawsuit Settled, Advantage: Bagel
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There comes a time in the political life of everyone in the public eye where they weigh the value of what they can accomplish in office with the sacrifices made in their personal life. It is with heavy heart I address these concerns in my own life, and I must tell you all that I cannot and will not accept the nomination for president of the United States by my party, and if nominated, I will not run.

This comes as a shock to many of my supporters, I'm sure. Supporters like Betty Hoopmay of Blush, Nevada, who sent a very supportive letter that, while severely criticizing my recent columns as "piss-poor journalism," ended with the very affirming, "I don't wish you dead or anything, but you need to get your shit together." Thank you, Betty. I don't wish you dead either. But despite these outcries of faith in me, I cannot accept the nomination for president.

For one, the timing is bad. I have too many responsibilities at the commune here that I'm currently ducking. I cannot shirk all the required responsibilities of the office of president at the same timeâ€”that's more than one man can avoid. I have chosen to devote my energies to the commune at this point in timeâ€¦ or has it chosen me? Either way, we're damned to be intertwined for a while yet. And despite my appearance of worldliness, I fear and mistrust foreigners, which is bound to interfere with my responsibilities of meeting and trying to act like I'm listening to dignitaries from other countries. Other dirty, unwashed countries.

The tireless, thankless job of running for president itself would be more than I could bear at this time. I need constant reassurance and reward for everything I do. I need blind, vacant approval for all that I do and I need people to stay out of my life, to let it remain enigmatic and a beautiful mystery left alone by all reporters. Everyone I work for at this point understands that, if they know what's good for them, and I'm not prepared to give that up just to be president.

As much as I hate to mention this, too, my party is virtually powerless to make any significant headway in an election. My party, the Sandwich-Socialist party, is only on the ballot in two states, and one of those is the state of mellow, which is a mood rather than an actual state. This owes to many factors, not the least of which is that it's a very bad idea to hold all your meetings while heavily intoxicated, but the very fact that I would have little chance of accomplishing anything other than wasting my modest fortune on a bid for the presidency, makes it imperative that I decline the nomination, if offered to me.

Which brings me to another pointâ€”I don't even get the nomination to be our presidential candidate? Fellow Sandwich-Socialists, I have to say I'm pretty offended by this. Yes, I'm not going to accept the nomination, and if nominated I will not run, but it is just plain ridiculous that we've gone this far without myself being nominated for the position. For Christ's sake, I started the party, I developed our elaborate platform of all sales tax going to build sacred temples and liquor replacing bathwater in homeless shelters, the least you could do is throw me the bone of nomination. It was my idea to call us the Sandwich-Socialists. Is that why you're pissed? It's not a great name, I admit, but I'd like to see you do better buried under 132 mini-bottles of KahlÃºa. It's not too bad, really. At least I got "socialist" in there, as per Gary's suggestion.

So for those reasons, and no more, I will happily remain a civilian during this upcoming election. Though, now that I think about it, the next presidential election isn't until 2004. I still have next year to start campaigning, if anyone wants to nominate me. I'm not saying I willâ€¦ justâ€¦ it would be nice to get the nomination.

º Last Column: Lawsuit Settled, Advantage: Bagel
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Quote of the Day

“My love is like a red, red roseâ€¦ always surrounded by pricks.”

-Wycked Burns

Fortune 500 Cookie

Duck! Jesus, did you see that? Now may be the time to consider ending your relationship with Columbia House. That weird lump you feel may not be an alien tracking device after all; go ahead and see a specialist. You won't remember the name of that Faith No More tribute band anytime soon.

Try again later.

Top 5 Things Heard on Election Night

1.	"Now keep in mind, with only 2% of the precincts reporting, it could go either way. But it certainly looks good for Mr. Nader at the moment."
2.	"What the fuck is that blue one? Vermont?"
3.	"The polls have just closed, and thank God, the bars are just openingâ€¦"
4.	"I can't believe thisâ€”even Wyoming has an electoral vote."
5.	"This is not happeningâ€¦ this is not happeningâ€¦."

BY roland mcshyster

11/26/2001

How's it hangin', America? Welcome back for another ass-blast of entertainment value as we take a gander at the batch of goodies Hollywood is cramming down our throats this week. I'd tell you how I've been lately, but since it starts out exactly like that joke about the priest, the rabbi and the midget with the clap, you'd never believe me anyway. I will leave you with this one nugget of wisdom gained, however: it's better to keep your trap snapped and wonder if the person ahead of you in line at the grocery is a shrimpy man or a ugly woman, than it is to take a beating with a roll of cookie dough. Lesson learned, ladies and gentlemen. Your mileage may vary.

Now... the movies!

In Theaters Now:

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