the commune, 9/29/26: You'll learn to love it or die trying

Three cheers for the commune! Two?

September 2, 2002

I Don't Even Know How to Bring Up the Subject of an Orgy

the commune's Stu Shamen knows two is the loneliest number

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Anyone who knows me can tell you I get around. I'm out with a different girl every other night of the week, and I show them all a good time, if you know what I mean without me mentioning sex in the car behind the Rally's. My sister, one of those nutty feminists, has even called me a male whore, but I'm quick to remind her a male whore is called a gigolo, and anyway I don't get paid, just reimbursed for gas money.

Still, despite all the machismo spilling out all my holes, I got to admit I'm not as confident as I look all the time. I can ask girls out, I can ball their brains out if the car has enough room, and I can never call them again and not think twice about it. But I just don't know how to bring up the subject of group sex. I'm not that confident.

Me and my friends hang out a lot, we'll all bring whatever hotties we're seeing that week (or night) and just get together and drink and have fun. All my friends are good-looking dudes, by the way, and they never bring home less than an 8, although Gary brought three 4's one time and tried to pass them off as one 12. So with all these attractive people just sitting around, drunk as can be, you'd think the opportunity for an orgy would be quick to present itself. Wrong!

I don't know why. Everybody in the group is virile and all too ready for experimentation. Maybe all the other guys think I would be gay if I suggested group sex instead of girl swapping, but they should know better than that. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to make love to strange women in the company of three or four of my best friends while they screw someone else. And hey, if somebody is mistaken for a girl or whatever, I don't have a problem with it. It's not like I would set out to sample from the other side of the buffet, but I'm not going to get all freaked out. I'm still straight as long as the girl-to-guy ratio is 2-to-1 or better.

No, I don't have any problems with the idea, just with the proposal. The time never seems right. You don't just sit there and pretend to listen while Jojo talks about how his boss is a douchebag and non-chalantly say, "Hey, that reminds meâ€”let's all have sex with each other." Maybe in some kind of office meeting or something, where you don't really want to work at the place and don't care what they think of you, but these are my friends.

Sometimes we get so close to a good subject I almost think I can work it in, but it doesn't happen. Pete got to saying how the cub scouts were all gay, taking young boys out in the woods and boffing 'em, and I thought for sure I could suggest a big orgy then, but I lost my nerve and he just started talking about how 4-H club was for homos.

At this point I figure my best bet is to bring home some kind of weird guy who will say anything. And then I could make a joke about an orgy in some way and the weird guy might be ballsy enough to suggest we all have an orgy. Then I could laugh it off just a little bit, then say, "Well, you knowâ€¦" We'd have the whole thing practically started. The real downside, as I see it, this weird guy is going to want in on the action. That would put a real pisser on the idea, I know, unless this guy looked like Tom Cruise or something.

It's not like I've given up on the orgy idea, I'm just biding my time. Patience is the key to any great plan, and I know with my friends sooner or later the subject of hot group sex will come up. When it does, I'll jump on it. I only hope Jojo is still seeing that tattooed blonde at the time.

º Last Column: I'm Not a Pessimist, I'm an Asshole
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Milestones

1994: Omar Bricks arrested after setting a statue of the Virgin Mary ablaze atop the Ferris wheel at the State Fair. Gets off on a technicality that goes down in legal history as the Proud Mary defense

Now Hiring

Flamenco Dancer. Leggy Latin beauty needed to, well, you know. And dance. Must be disease-free and light on the orthodontia. Garden hose-based qualifications a big plus. Mus- wait. Really? Then what the hell's flamenco?

Top Reasons Why You Couldn't Have Killed Your Dead Wife

1.	What, and miss the prime Christmas Eve fishing season?
2.	Too busy having extramarital affair to plot murder
3.	Pregnant wife-killing totally against religion
4.	Ha. I wish!
5.	Spirit too crushed from living with soulless bitch for years

BY roland mcshyster

5/1/2000

Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month's load of Entertainment-related booty! I've dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I'd like to introduce a feature new to EP, it's time for "Ask Roland"! That's right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!

Q. Hey Roland, I'm your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ru...