Barnsley Wins First
Annual Smoka Bowl
KCU stomped 105-07 in chemically-fueled thrashing 
BY RAMON NOOTLES San Clemente, CA

NOONAN PRICELY/AP Herbs quarterback Mel Hooper, mistaken for the ball by his own teammates

The first Smoka Bowl held in San Clemente California ended in humiliation for the football team from Karmel City University of California, as California State University at Barnsley, who proposed and financed the Smoka Bowl, defeated KCU 105-7.

Coach Tag Thompson of Karmel City University spoke well of his opponents: “They played a good game. We had a long, tough bus ride. And I mean a long bus ride, folks. But in the end, I guess they wanted it more. And a few of our star players were, uh, detained in Las Vegas along the way. I thought we played well, at least for some of it. But Barnsley’s a tough cookie to crack.”

Barnsley started fast out of the gate, scoring 49 points within the first thirty minutes of the game. Another touchdown was then scored by KCU’s Auggie Dugan for Barnsley, who inadvertently went to the wrong locker room before the game started, put on the wrong jersey, and played the first half of the game without realizing he was on the opposing team.

Coach Fred “Hookah” Smith of the Barnsley Boo-Yas was proud of his team, and Dugan. “We worked hard for this one. We planned the Smoka Bowl, we scheduled it, financed it, invited KCU down, then we abstained for a good long week from, you know, everything, and the training paid off. We were bound and determined to win a game before the year was out, and we stuck to that goal and were rewarded.”

Barnsley and Karmel City Univeristy are not renowned for their athletic abilities. Both schools are coincidentally the leading schools for alternative agriculture in the state of California. They are also a hotbed of political activism, with the largest club of Young Green Party Members and opposing such invasions of privacy as mandatory drug testing at the workplace and schools.

Coach Thompson of the Karmel City University Herbs could only guess at what led to such a disparity in scoring between his team and the Boo-Yas.

“Well, we had a long, long bus ride, like I said. It was only about four hours but seemed like 20. I’m not really sure, you can’t say whether this should have been done better or this or whatever. It’s not that we didn’t play well, hell, just look at Vance McGoohan. What a trooper! That kid threw up on himself right after catching the ball and ran it all the way for that touchdown we made. No one could touch him. At least no one tried. But that’s heart.”

Coach Smith of Barnsley was ecstatic over the results, and hoped to see the Herbs up against the Boo-Yas at the next Smoka Bowl in 2003, or “whenever, it’s all cool.”

the commune news would like to thank Johnny Cash for playing San Quentin that one year things weren’t going so well for us. Ramon Nootles is still looking for a warm, sensitive woman who enjoys walking along the beach, with a cute sister or adventurous friend.