Afghanistan to Host
2006 Winter Olympics
IOC claims decision not politically influenced 
BY IVAN NACUTCHACOKOV Brussels, Belgium

VEL SHNAPPER Afghanistan begins training hopeful Olympiads

The International Olympics Committee announced Friday that the site of the 2006 Winter Olympics has already been chosen, and it will be Kabul, Afghanistan.

The Committee denies claims that political influence played a part in its decisions, but would not deny the possibility all Committee members were bribed handsomely.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair suggested it would be a major boon to the Afghanistan economy, as well as the spirits of its people.

“With this to look forward to, who wouldn’t be excited and proud to rally behind its flag?” stated Blair. “In 2006 the world will turn its eyes toward Afghanistan, again, and this time it will be a good thing.”

Afghanistan is a poor country in Asia with a population of approximately 21,900. Critics have suggested that Afghanistan is in no position to host the Winter Olympics of 2006, with a long history of civil turmoil, a weak economy that could not successfully sustain the expense of the Olympics, and lacking virtually any snow throughout the year.

“Once again the International Olympics Committee has stuck its foot in its collective mouth,” said Marvin Kappel of the IOC watchdog group Oly-OxenFree. “They have allowed their decisions to be biased again for whatever reasons and are allowing a country without the proper requirements to host the Winter Olympics. Afghanistan currently has no sports teams and no ice rinks. I don’t believe IOC claims they’ll have a 50,000-seat stadium built by 2006. You don’t make that kind of money selling goat cheese, barring some unforeseeable rise in the market value of goat cheese before 2006.”

According to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck, Afghanistan is a country rich in culture and heritage. They have had many imports and exports in their many, many years as a country. The Russians once tried to invade Afghanistan and were unable to. The Russians have also previously tried to invade America, most notably in the movie Red Dawn. In closing, Afghanistan is a culture rich in heritage and culture.

The recently elected president of the International Olympics Committee Jacques Rogge was questioned by the commune in regards to the feasibility of Afghanistan hosting the Winter Olympics, but he angrily cursed us in French and threw a glass of wine into our faces.

Afghanistan interim leader Hamid Karzai spoke well of the decision.

“The IOC has done a great thing for this country and its people, and given us hope that we will move forward into the next century without delay,” said Karzai. “We are excited to host the next Winter Olympics and will not engage in pointless arguments about snow and what constitutes proper accommodations. If they can make it snow on Jimmy Stewart in Pottersville, we can make this plentiful substance in Afghanistan as well.”

the commune news takes all it wants but eats all it takes. Ivan Nacutchacokov says it can’t get any better than this, and he’s suicidal over that fact.