American Planning Sequel
to Hit Black Hawk Down
White House aims to please audiences by returning to Somalia 
BY LIL DUNCAN Washington, DC

JUNIOR BACON Real-life political disaster makes for kick-ass blockbuster

Boosted by good numbers at the box office and positive reviews from film critics and the Bush administration, the White House and Congress have already begun planning a sequel to the hit film Black Hawk Down.

“The characters, the firefights, everything was so realistic,” said President Bush, after a screening at the White House. “The only thing was I wanted to see a clearer victory for American soldiers. I’m sure audiences felt the same way. And by gum, I love to give the American people what they want.”

Black Hawk Down is based on factual events experienced by troops in Mogadishu, Somalia in 1993. A spiral of events following a botched military operation and the loss of a MH-60 Black Hawk helicopter led to the death of 18 American soldiers in battle against groups of armed Somalis. The incident was a major setback for the Clinton administration and led to weakening public approval for the operation in Somalia.

Now, however, the Bush administration is highly driven by the powerful Ridley Scott film to put a happy ending on the story.

“It’ll be ten years since the first movie happened next year,” said president Bush, “and I say that’s a great ol’ time for a return to Somalia. We can call it Black Hawk Down 2: No Surrender. Ain’t that somethin’?”

Trent Lott, Majority Leader of the Senate and fellow fan of Black Hawk Down, agreed. “Bill Clinton can’t write a great war movie, I’ll tell you that much. A sex and intrigue film starring Michael Douglas, I’ll give him that one—let him work on Basic Instinct 2. But with a Republican in office, now’s the time for a big fat winning sequel to Black Hawk Down. And this time it won’t be so depressing!”

Bush has reportedly been trying to round up the original soldiers from the 1993 Somalia incident, but since few of them are still in the military, he isn’t optimistic about the same characters returning for victory.

“More than likely it’ll be all new guys,” said Bush, drawing up plans to ship spare soldiers from Pakistan and Afghanistan to Somalia as soon as possible, “but we’re going to do it right this time. Big, photogenic guys that look like Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis or something. And of course a wizened old general that could be played perfectly by Chuck Heston. Ooh! I could even play myself maybe in the movie going to support all the troops and all that.”

Though Mohamed Farrah Aidid died in 1996, the Bush administration is optimistic another villain, perhaps even more dastardly, has taken his place. According to reports from the long-troubled Somalia, the situation could not be better for increasing military presence.

Before the release of the much-anticipated sequel, Bush is hoping to finish the current project he’s working on in Afghanistan, which will hopefully make it to the silver screen later this year with the working title 9-11 is No Joke in This Town.

the commune news doesn’t want to make a federal case out of it, but we’ve been caught counterfeiting. Lil Duncan has an unnatural, deep-seated fear of emoticons, to which we say >;op