MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Undergoes More Surgery
Fervent ass-kissing leads to rare "brown-facing" condition 
BY BONER CUNNINGHAM Dickbrain, MD

COURTESY MSNBC Chris Matthews, either post- or pre-surgery

Syndicated newspaper columnist and host of MSNBC's Hardball Christopher Matthews was reported to be resting comfortably following three hours of surgery to remove excess fecal matter from his nose, lips and cheeks yesterday. Doctors at Walter Reed Memorial Hospital confirmed that this was the fifth such procedure in just the last two weeks.

"The problem starts with his kissing the president's ass," chief surgeon Jerome Splay told reporters. "He's just such an enthusiastic ass-kisser. He gets all up in there, you know, and he never knows when to quit."

Asked how long this had been going on, Dr. Splay responded, "It all started about the middle of September. Before that, the only thing we ever saw Chris in here for was over-inhalation of helium. He's got that voice that, when he gets excited, only dogs can hear him, you know what I mean? High. He's a high-talker. Well, he doesn't come by that naturally. It takes tanks and tanks of helium to get his voice up into that register, and sometimes he just overdoes it."

He went on to say that the recent surgeries were "all just since September, and they've been getting more and more frequent. In fact, if you recall that so-called pretzel incident with the president, that was actually the worst one of all. The truth of the matter is, that was no pretzel that was lodged in the president's throat. That was Chris's tongue. He had worked it all the way up through the alimentary canal, up through his stomach, and had gotten it lodged in the president's esophagus, which is what caused him to black out. That was one big mess, I'll tell you!"

"Of course," Dr. Splay added with a chuckle, "Chris's case is nothing compared to those Fox News guys. We must do five or six fecalectomies a week for each one of them. O'Reilly and Hannity are the worst. I mean, you should see the poundage of stuff we take off of them nearly every day. The other doctors and I were joking recently that we should start our own fertilizer business on the side. Heh, maybe we should change the name of this place to Bandini Memorial!"

Mr. Matthews was unavailable for comment. His lips moved, but no sound came out. A number of nearby dogs began barking furiously, however, so it's possible that he was actually saying something, though not of any consequence.

the commune news has been a bit testy and edgy lately, so just watch yourself, Buster. Boner Cunningham has been in a pretty decent mood himself, he just enjoys calling people "Buster."