Bride-to-be and self-kidnapping victim/perpetrator Jennifer Wilbanks copped to several charges on Saturday, including illegal self-confinement and terroristic threatening to your own persons. The missing Georgia “runaway bride,” as some less respectful newspapers have dubbed Wilbanks, disappeared and reported herself kidnapped on the day of her wedding, only to turn up later when she managed to escape from herself and phoned her lucky husband-to-be, whose name we withheld out of respect to the poor bastard.

Police found and arrested the abductor, Wilbanks herself, and held her in custody as they built a case. Rather than face herself in court during a lengthy trial, Wilbanks confessed to all the crimes she was accused of, in hopes of getting the whole thing sorted out before her big wedding. But Wilbanks didn’t forgive herself so easily for her downfall.

“I also want to let myself know that I won’t forget what I’ve done to myself anytime soon,” warned Wilbanks, in a statement released by her lawyer, who may be Wilbanks herself in yet another impressive role. “Do I hear that? I won’t be getting away from me so easily. I’ll let me forget about me for a while, but one day, when I least expect it, I’ll turn around, and I’ll be there. And I won’t be happy.”

Wilbanks refused to answer questions as to whether she was threatening herself with bodily harm, and other reporters just laughed when this correspondent tried to get them to back up his questioning.

With the abductee/abductor refusing to answer questions, the commune sought out an expert on self-abduction, Audrey Seiler, a Wisconsin college student who tried to kidnap herself in April of last year. Seiler disappeared from her off-campus apartment March 27, 2004, and was found four days later, telling police she was abducted by a man with a knife. Seiler confessed to kidnapping herself only when police discovered a videotape of the young woman buying a knife, duct tape, rope, and cold medicine all in one purchase, though this reporter can’t picture a weekend coming and going without buying all of those items.

“I know in my case, it just came out of nowhere,” said Seiler. “You’re walking along, you think everything’s fine and dandy, then—bam! You jump out of nowhere, put a hand over your mouth, and force yourself into an alley. I had my car with me, which was lucky, so I forced myself into the trunk, then had to get out and actually drive myself to the hideout. But I kept a knife on myself, so I wouldn’t try anything funny. It’s really scary. I’ve known myself for a long time, but I’ve never seen myself like that before.”

Seiler also admits she wasn’t sure what made her kidnap herself; at first she thought it was just a sorority prank or something, but then recalled she hadn’t pledged any sorority at all. At that point, she began to doubt her mental stability.

“The police never understand,” said Seiler. “They always think you can wait for a moment when your back is turned and escape. But you’re paralyzed with fear, afraid of what you’ll do to yourself. That’s why I didn’t want to tell the police who had really done it.”

As for the case of Wilbanks herself, the most recent victim/perpetrator of self-kidnapping, Seiler had some thoughts on what might motivate her to such a twisted crime.

“I really, really liked that Runaway Bride movie. She probably did, too. She probably thought she’d kidnap herself, hoping a cool Richard Gere-type, only not so gay, would come to her rescue. It never works out, trust me. I was inspired by the movie Excess Baggage, but it’s never as fun as it looks. Spend a few days out in the woods by yourself and it takes all the charm out of being held at knifepoint.”