Republican Senator Judd Gregg finally ran into a big steaming pile of luck Wednesday when he matched 5 of 6 Powerball numbers and won a lottery jackpot of $853,492. Gregg immediately called Vice-President Dick Cheney to let his boss know he would not be coming into work.
“It’s about friggin’ time I got some good luck,” Gregg told reporters in front of his home in his home state of New Hampshire. Gregg waved his winning ticket in the air frantically and laughed. “Eat it, taxpayers! I’m gonna be my own boss from now on!”
Gregg, who chairs the Senate Budget Committee and spent more than $2 million in his last re-election campaign, did admit to some sour grapes in not winning the $340 million jackpot won by an Oregon player in the same lottery.
“I wouldn’t have minded some of that sweet cash,” snickered Gregg, who didn’t bother dressing up for the press conferences. Wearing a pair of cutoff jeans, brown flip-flops, and a Senate Budget Committee muscle T, Gregg added, “I only play the lottery when it gets into real money like that. I could’ve used it more than that Oregon guy. What do they even have in Oregon? I bet he uses that money to move to a kick-ass state like New Hampshire.”
Though Gregg’s announced resignation would be effective immediately, officials at the Republican Party Headquarters, the very mouth of hell, claimed Gregg would soon recant his resignation, and chalked it up to “lottery euphoria.”
“He does this all the time,” said RNC spokesperson Phyllis Harbor. “Last year he fixed up an old Geo of his and sold it and told Cheney he was quitting. Just a few months ago he called in because a banking error in his favor left $3,000 extra in his account. Or maybe that was a beauty contest he won… I may be getting confused with a Monopoly game we played in the office last night. But frankly, Mr. Gregg is fairly high-strung for a Senator. He quit one time when the Sci-Fi Channel had a Twilight Zone marathon on. He ended up taking a sick day and just came in regular. No big deal.”
Fellow Budget Committee member Sen. Kent Conrad (D, North Dakota) confirmed Sen. Gregg has a tendency to overreact in financial situations.
“He was going around everywhere in town just a few months ago, trying to raise $300 million for some ‘project’ he was putting together. When I asked him about it, it turns out he wanted to open a bait shop by the interstate so he could quit this ‘lousy job’ and be his own boss. I reminded him he’s a millionaire already, and he had perhaps overestimated the amount of start-up capital it takes to open a bait shop. But that’s Judd for you. He doesn’t take well to numbers.”
Gregg himself answered some questions by phone, and was so far staying resolved in his plans to leave the Senate.
“Forget it. I’m quitting this shitty job. I might give ‘em some notice—till the end of the week at least. But come Friday, no joke, I’m outta here.” Gregg made a whistling sound to punctuate his impending exit, and the sound of Rosanne playing on Nick-At-Nite could be heard. “Between the lotto money and some stocks and shit I could sell, I might finally be able to buy a partnership in a bowling alley like I’ve always wanted. I’m so ready to be my own boss it’s not even funny.”
The soon-to-be-ex-Senator was kind enough to respond to all questions, but no one here thought to ask what a Senator is doing playing the lottery anyway.