It sure beat the hell out of the “biggest movie of 2005,” as everybody promoted it—only to have it being the biggest underwhelming movie of all time: King Kong. The movie under-performed to all expectations, possibly due to somebody leaking a copy of the movie to the Internet and an early cut of the film to the theaters in 1933. Remember 1933? Prohibition and flappers? That’s another column, sweets.

The country went crazy for TV, too. America was desperate for Desperate Housewives and lost our minds for Lost. We also continued the C.S.I./Law & Order craze as they collectively dominated three-five nights a week of televisions. And how about those new television shows we all went crazy for? That’s right—there were none.

And remember the music everyone was listening to in 2005? Neither do we. There was some Kelly Clarkson, some Kanye West, and 50 Cent mumbled some shit here and there. Where’s the club beat, bitch? Notice I didn’t say bi-atch? Too toooo 2004.

As for the news itself, there was no bigger story than the sad destruction of partyzone and Girls Gone Wild unofficial headquarters of New Orleans at the inhuman hands of heartless bitch Hurricane Katrina. As if that wasn’t enough, several frontin’ hurricane wanna-bes also tore shit up elsewhere.

The other big news stories were the continuing death of innocents for the unnecessary war in Iraq, but we leave that coverage to the no-spin zone doctoring of Bill O’Reilly. We were sadder about the death of one of the 20th century’s most pivotal religious figures, Johnny Carson. And how about the others we lost? Bob Denver, Chief Justice William Rehnquist, Lou Rawls, and John Paul Pope, some kind of Christian prophet.

After years of a firm status quo, 2005 saw the shake up of not one, but two Supreme Court justices retiring (one for good) to open up the doors to the future’s arch-conservative oligarchy.

And who can forget the unforgettable catch-phrases of 2005? “Michael Jackson’s Jesus Juice”? “Cronyism”? “Mark McGwiroids”? None of these quite caught on with the national consciousness. No, 2005 was truly a year when nothing stuck in your brain. But the commune did take a severely long vacation, and that was da bomb, baby-doll. Let’s hope for more of that in 2006.

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This year had its own flavor of suck since I was under the mistaken legal impression that the statute of limitations for all 2005 crimes runs out at midnight on December 31st, so I’d spent the whole night running around and settling scores, dealing out hasty justice like my immune ass was about to turn into a pumpkin. I also set free all the dogs in the neighborhood, mainly because I’ve always wanted to see a shitload of dogs running together like in the old Chuck Wagon commercials. I had to rush and do a half-ass job of setting a parade float on fire just to get home in time to watch the Times Square countdown, a yearly tradition for lazy, television-watching sons of bitches everywhere.

Now, no one needs a call from CNN to catch the breaking news that New Year’s television sucks big wet titty. Any time they schedule over two hours of air time for a ten-second event, you know there’s going to be more crappy filler than a case of Winky’s, those off-brand Twinkie knock-offs Foghat always wants every year for Christmas. About four seconds after the ball drops, they unleash an endless cavalcade of morons strategically positioned around Times Square, standing around saying shit like “There sure are a lot of people here… yep…” I haven’t seen that many uncomfortable silences on TV since they gave that narcoleptic Chevy Chase his own late-night show.

After the depressing spectacle of listening to Dick Clark drunk his way through the ball-dropping countdown, I was in heavy need to distraction, so I went quick to the pantry for the case of Safeway beer I’d been saving all year for the occasion. Two minutes after the drop was over, Dick was still on stuck on twenty-seven, and I was really glad I’d saved the beer. It was a sad, sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, and I spilled an entire case of beer on the couch. Some would say that’s what I get for opening all the cans at once, but you save time your way, I’ll save it mine. I just wish I’d noticed that the beer was spilling sooner, since the couch swelled up so much it pitched me onto Foghat’s loveseat, and I accidentally touched way more dog underbelly than I care to admit. Now Foghat won’t even look me in the eye, which makes going to his room to use the Super Nintendo especially uncomfortable.

That’s right about when the neighborhood mob showed up to get their mailboxes back, which I’d been driving around collecting all night so I could open up my own Mailboxes ETC and hook up some sweet business tax breaks for 2006. I had to take a break from juicing my couch to talk the mob out of setting my neighbor Hamms on fire, because he had about 400 mailboxes lined up in his front yard like some kind of surreal drive-in theater (I didn’t want to fuck up my grass). It all ended okay though, since I was able to convince the mob that the mailbox caper was exactly the kind of thing my other neighbor Mitch would do, and he wasn’t home, so I had everybody over to my place to help suck the beer out of my couch.

Which may sound like a great time, yeah, but actually it was kind of weird. So screw New Year’s. Bricks out.

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The Supreme Court comprises the most important part, the bulbous head if you will, of the judicial branch of government. Why do we need a Supreme Court? Any high school senior whose had to memorize landmark cases like Plessy v. Ferguson and Roe v. Wade has asked the same thing. Like most high school teachers, we can’t exactly tell you why. Only that without the Supreme Court, there would be no “daddy” for any of us to run to when things have pissed us off and we need disputes settled. It’s kind of like The People’s Court, for the most dramatic cases of the land. If a friend broke your automatic garage door or snapped the fan belt on your car, don’t come crying to the nine justices. The Supreme Court is all ‘bout the big business. That’s what it says on their business cards.

Can we project the future of the United States based on the previous court decisions handed down from new Supreme Court kids John Roberts and Samuel Alito? Only if we’re very haphazard in doing so.

Clones will be a thing of the past, no doubt, since more people might equal more voters, and we know the partisan Republican side of the Supreme Court doesn’t want any more voters out there. Then there’s the whole deal with stem cells. Stem cell research will be obliterated entirely, unless between now and the next Supreme Court case on stem cells we happen to find a new part of the Bible that says they’re appropriately blessed for research. I’m certainly hoping that happens, because I’m feeling the early onset of Parkinson’s this week. Though that may just be the extra cup of coffee I had.

Abortions? We’ll still have them. We’ll just be doing them 15-30 years after the fetus is born. Republicans approve of abortions, they just call it the death penalty when they do it. One advantage of a conservative Supreme Court is we’ll be executing them younger and quicker, with fewer appeals, and even the mentally handicapped won’t be excluded.

Is flag burning unconstitutional? No telling what side they’ll fall on with this issue, but chances are if it’s reactionary and provokes ire in poor and angry white people, they’ll be all for it.

As a private citizen who tries to conceal all paper trails, I’m most worried about the constitutionality of the Patriot Act. I wouldn’t count on the new and de-evolved Supreme Court standing in its way, since they know on which side their bread is buttered. Though actually, since they’re elected for life, they’re already permanently buttered. But I guess it doesn’t mean they’ll go and develop a conscience now. After all, as I’ve said, they’ve already got the job.

Perhaps when it’s all said and done we’ll be alright. One thing is for sure: Even the Supreme Court can’t bring back disco. And in the end, that’s what I fear most.

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