|   The Roof is on Fire
The most important thing we need to get clear right now is that Omar Bricks did not set the commune's roof on fire. When historians tell the story of the commune and why the whole goddamned building probably burnt down, they'd better not turn to the... (6/18/07)
Kibbles 'n Shit
Any of you hear about this poisoned dog food scare? I don't know how long this shit's been going on, I only found out when they cut into KNTZ's rock block on Thursday night to announce that Spuds MacKenzie was dead, from an Alpo overdose. At first I... (4/23/07)
Driving My Life Away
Omar Bricks here, writing to you from the seventh ring of hell, or as it is known in mapese, Nashville. How'd I get here? What am I doing here? All fair questions. If you come up with any plausible answers, let me know. It all started, if these... (3/12/07)
Christmas: Don't Try This at Home
It's recently been brought to my attention that the commune has not been appearing online for the last, say, nine months, give or take a full-term pregnancy. I guess the saying is true: you're always the last to know when your stuff stops getting... (1/15/07)
The Deep Freeze
Not leaving your house when it's really cold is an art form. Any yuhtz can sew a couple dozen dead geese together in the shape of a parka and head out to brave the elements. It takes a real man of character to exist for days, even weeks in the dead... (2/27/06)
Eat Shit, New Year's
New Year's: the holiday, the spectacle, and the brand of adult diapers, can all kiss Omar Bricks' cherry red ass. That's not a threat—it's a promise. Actually, come to think of it, it's an invitation, but that doesn't sound nearly as menacing. But... (1/16/06)
The Red Badge of Adulthood
There comes a time in every man's life when he must become a man. Except for Pee Wee Herman or Michael Jackson. (Owing to weirdness.) Or Gary Coleman, owing to shortness. Or unless he becomes a woman first, like RuPaul. But everybody else:... (12/12/05)
God's Hands
Omar Bricks has never been afraid to get his hands dirty. On the contrary, more often than not it looks like I've been playing patty-cake with a tar baby. I consider it a badge of honor that I've always been willing to roll up my sleeves and get... (11/7/05)
Nostalgiac
I've been working at the commune for way too long. Sure, this was true after about day three, but now it's way beyond true. Some office skinflint just reminded me that this week is the fourth anniversary of the commune publishing on a regular... (10/10/05)
Changes
Omar Bricks has never believed in oil changes. I've always been one to say "Get it right the first time, jackass." Why waste time and money filling your car with shitty oil you're going to regret 3,000 miles down the road? Do the homework now and... (9/19/05)
Omarelief
Quit being so goddamned selfish, people. There are folks drowning or something down wherever they're having that problem, because of rain or malfunctioning plumbing of some sort, and we're in a position to help. Wherever these people are, and I want... (9/5/05)
WEASELS-B-GON
Don't even start with the nonsense about this all being Omar Bricks' fault. Because I won't stand, sit, or recline for it.
In case you've been living on Planet Asshole in the Out-of-Touch Nebula for the last month, you probably noticed that the... (8/22/05)
Genius, Inc.
After last installment's adventures with the Omar Bricks Perpetual Motion Machine (an electric water distiller covered on all sides by throbbing punch-balloons) and the resulting disastrous core meltdown that destroyed the southern quarter of my... (7/11/05)
The Omar Bricks Perpetual Motion Miracle
Every time I get into a fistfight with a prominent scientist, it always seems like it's over the subject of perpetual motion machines, and whether or not I could build one. So this week I decided to put my guns in the ground and settle this argument... (6/27/05)
The Return of Deep Omar
The jig is up, jig-lovers. After years of speculation, snooping, allegations, bribes, misinformation and games of inter-office dirty pool, it's time to let the cat out of the bag: I am the shadowy commune informant known as "Deep Omar."
True,... (6/13/05)
The Sad Fate of the World's Greatest Invention
Everyone loves seeing movies in the theater, because the screen is so freakin' huge. Plus when you throw shit at the screen at home, usually you're the one who has to clean it up later, unless you're smart enough to throw something the dog's not too... (5/30/05)
Guanica
This column marks day three of my lawsuit with my neighbor Hamms over Guanica, the masterpiece I painted on his bathroom wall in axle grease, batshit and chicken blood. Before you start freaking out, let me explain that the chicken blood part... (5/16/05)
The Seven Month Itch
Hello and welcome to day four of Operation Jerkhunt, the pet project of a neighborhood group I recently organized to hunt down the freakish scum who stole my neighbor Hamms' Winnebago and, once they'd had their vile fun, dumped it in the Potomac... (5/2/05)
Check Your Breasts
Pansies everywhere agree: Feminism is important. At least that's what I hear every time my TV gets stuck on the women's channel, OBG or whatever it is. The Bricks TV does that sometimes, flips randomly through channels, which I guess is to be... (4/18/05)
Cordially Requesting Your Restraint
I've always thought there should be some kind of intermediate step that comes before a restraining order. Because after all, "order" does sound pretty bossy. And Americans don't like being ordered around any more than we like paying for music or a... (4/4/05)
My New Neighbor May Well Be a Vampire
I don't write this column to alarm people, but anyone planning on a sleepover at my new neighbor's place might do well to catch up on a little of this CNN breaking news: bring a titanium neck wrap and your Visa card, unlucky campers. I have it on... (3/21/05)
Fallout
I think we gave up on Chernobyl too easily. I say that knowing full-well that too much radiation can make your sack blow up like a beach ball and your fruit starts talking to you and shit, which could be plenty scary depending on what the fruit is... (3/7/05)
Panama
Is it crazy to travel all the way to South America, by car no less, to finally find out what an old Van Halen song is about? If your answer is yes, then stop reading this column immediately. I don't want any of my readers thinking I'm crazy. Go read... (2/21/05)
No Love for the Working Man
Can you believe those cheap ass pants-handlers at the commune? I just found out they're paying us the same this year, despite the double-barreled workload increase that comes with the switch to the weekly schedule. That is the Double Western Bacon... (2/7/05)
The Basement Tapes
Apparently some construction crew Einstein had a brainstorm watching E.T. the other night, since I woke up Saturday morning to find my neighbor's construction site completely enclosed in some kind of gigantic biohazard flea tent. Thank God... (1/24/05)
Burn, Blaming, Burn
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through Bricks Manor, not a creature was sleeping, because my neighbor's house was all the fuck on fire. I shit you not, communauts, this was one bizarre-smelling Christmas. I barely saved the fireworks I... (1/10/05)
The Giving House
Can you believe my neighbor Dale is moving away? Shocked the hell out of me, too. You can never see these things coming. One day, his house collapses into the earth in a mysterious freak geological event, and then the next thing you know, all of a... (12/13/04)
Tales From the Underground
According to my idiot neighbor Dale, a watched pot never calls the kettle black, or rust never sleeps, or something. The point of it being (I think) that you have to take the initiative if you don't want some weird German dude with no body hair... (11/29/04)
Remorse Code
There's nothing more ugly than a fat man in banana-colored jams. That's just a fact of life. Sweet canary-colored Christ, is that a hard fact of life. This having been said, I admit there are more tactful ways to spread the word about this eternal... (11/1/04)
Vote Knievel
There's been a lot of fuss around the commune offices lately about the upcoming presidential election, and it's high time Omar Bricks weighed in on the action: I say Lil Duncan takes Ivana Folger-Balzac in four rounds. That's a controversial wager,... (10/4/04)
The Rundown
It's always heartbreaking when somebody you care about goes missing. Like your kid gets eaten by gypsies or your husband falls off a boat or some shit, I don't know, all that Lifetime movie of the week noise probably blows hard. But hard as that may... (9/6/04)
Omar Bricks' Day Off
Long about this time every year, the days just get too nice to be wasted sitting around the commune offices, modifying my wrist rocket or flinging boomerangs out the window in the hope that they'll hook back into Raoul Dunkin's window for an Aussie... (8/9/04)
My So-Called Life Insurance
You ever get a nagging feeling, like you left the gas on or forgot to piss out the campfire? Like you're forgetting something but you have no idea what it could be? That's the way the last week was for me until I realized I've spent the last ten... (7/12/04)
Las Vegas Ate My Balls
In the interest of full disclosure, I'll start this story off by saying I don't know how I got to Las Vegas. These things just happen, and you either roll with the punches or you pull on a t-shirt that says "BIG, WHINY BITCH" and play the part.... (6/14/04)
My Friend Polo
I don't know why everybody expects me to know everything around here. "Omar, what's your car doing parked in my office?" "Omar, who the fuck hired Menudo to tile the break room?" "Omar, what ever happened to that Japanese woman you had living in... (5/17/04)
Happy Camper
I just returned from that commune retreat thing, where I had a lot of fun. I know everybody else got back about three weeks ago, but like I said, I was having fun. As far as I'm concerned, I decide when the retreat is over. It's not very cool to... (4/19/04)
Black Host Down
You've probably heard a lot of talk lately about how I "caused" the recent commune server crash by trying to hook up the giant electric Tyrannosaurus Rex I bought off eBay from those disgruntled Universal Studios chumps to the commune power grid. No... (3/15/04)
Cell Out
Truth be told, nobody ever thought Omar Bricks would get a cell phone, least of all Omar Bricks. That's strictly Captain Kirk bullshit for sci-fi geeks and mama's boys in my book. But to be honest I never thought somebody would leave one unguarded... (3/1/04)
Long Live Omar Bricks!
Thankfully for you, the eager readers, nobody blew up any giant mammals on the international scene this week and we can finally get down to the nitty gritty dirt band on Omar Bricks' adventures through the afterlife. For those of you interested in... (2/16/04)
Blow Whole
First off, we need to get it right out in the open that I had nothing to do with that huge whale that blew up in Taiwan last week. Yes, I've received all the congratulatory post cards, phone messages, and boxes of chocolate everyone has been... (2/2/04)
A New Hope
Here's something that'll get you thinking, talk about a "Mr Rogers was a sniper in 'Nam"-level surprise. Thanks to commune editor's-brother Gay Bagel's mandate that we boost commune readership and revenue up from absolute zero Kelvin in 2004, it's... (1/19/04)
Wipeout
At the risk of offending those of you in this world who were attempting to appease Omar Bricks this holiday season, I think it's safe to announce that this Christmas was a bona fide, Class A, Jesus Christ barfing into a French horn wipeout. No car,... (1/5/04)
No Need to Check That List Twice
Well, I'll give you three guesses as to what Omar Bricks wants for Christmas this year, with the added bonus that I get to kick you in the ass if you're wrong. Because that means you're either stupid or haven't been reading my column for the last... (12/22/03)
The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back
When a guy sticks a gun in your ribs and says "Alright buddy, that's the straw that broke the camel's back!" you really have to wonder. What kind of crazy camel-killing fucker am I dealing with here?
Seriously, what kind of sadistic asshole... (12/8/03)
Don't Believe the Hype
Don't soil your couch or anything, but I've officially been banned from the Saturn dealership. Actually, technically I think I'm banned from all Saturn dealerships worldwide, but I don't believe for a second they're so organized I couldn't walk into... (11/24/03)
They Don't Call it a Blood Drive for Nothing
In the movies, whenever a guy's driving a convertible there's always some honeyed blonde sitting in the passenger seat in a tennis outfit or something, without fail. I'm serious, you start to think the girl comes with the car or maybe they just hang... (11/10/03)
Test Drive
Contrary to popular belief and a lucrative office pool, Omar Bricks will one day again own a car. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day and for the rest of my goddamned life, even if I have to stick a wheel up Henry Ford's ass and ride... (10/27/03)
Surprise Brothers and the Blackout Marathon
I don't remember anything from last night, I was comatoast. I'm not kidding, I fell in with this fast crowd of Olympic blood-dopers I met at GNC when I was there pricing one of those camelsack things you wear on your back so you can piss on the go.... (10/13/03)
Double Stuff It Up Your Ass
Omar Bricks is in favor of legalizing all drugs, if for no other reason than it would be hilarious to see what kind of cover Kraft would put on a box of Smackaroni & Cheez. My vote is for some dumbass-looking dinosaur that's all slouched... (9/29/03)
Faster Than a Speeding Pile of Shit
Well, the good news is that I'm sitting pretty in the car-fund department thanks to my monster windfall from the raffle, a.k.a. "The Great Downtown Bingo Fire of 2003." And even better, I've been cleared of any wrongdoing thanks to my clever use of... (9/15/03)
Raffle
There are a couple of different ways to go about getting yourself a new car. What most people do is they exploit the underclass until they've got enough greenbacks to roll up on Mr. Mercedes or Mr. Benz and slap one of them in the face with a stack... (9/1/03)
I Shit the Sheriff, But I Didn't Kid the Deputy
So I'm sitting there, explaining to the sheriff about how if a pizza delivery dude leaves his car running in front of your house while he jets in to bring your gaywad neighbor a pizza, it's totally kosher to sprint out and take his car for a spin... (8/18/03)
Flaming Pogs & the Partial Robotomy
So I'm down by the movie theater the other day, showing some local kids how to play a game I invented called Pogs on Fire, and you wouldn't believe who I ran into. I won't even make you guess, it was Alvin Reggie. Okay, maybe you might believe it... (8/4/03)
Whistler's Motherfucker
You know what really pisses me off? People who can't whistle but still do. Talk about begging to be beaten about the head and neck areas. Whistling isn't even that enjoyable when it's good. Even if you're stuck in an elevator with the Stradivarius... (7/21/03)
Even Better Than the Reality Thing
Somebody just told me the other day that the big thing these days is reality TV. Apparently there's some show where a bunch of idiots are stuck on an island and they have to do goofy things every week to survive. I told that dope that Omar Bricks... (7/7/03)
Mail Order Bride Monopoly
Well, first thing's first and I have to say I was very disappointed in the response to my shout-out last issue for little Asian kids to join my rock family. So far I haven't got a single kid signed up, not even any tone-deaf little Asian tykes who... (6/23/03)
Starting an Asian Rock Family
I don't tell this to many people, unless they ask, but it's long been my dream to be part of some kind of rock-band family, like the Partridges. Or Fleetwood Mac. I mean, how much ass would that kick? Most kids are sitting at home, eating porkchops... (6/9/03)
Bricks on the Fourth of July
I definitely need to hire out as a Fourth of July consultant. If you think you don't need a Fourth of July consultant, you've never experienced a Bricks Fourth of July, end of story.
It's about a month away, I know, but when you want to make it... (5/26/03)
Polio at 50
A little bird recently asked me what it felt like to do 50. I answered that question with this question: What does it feel like to eat a bacon cheeseburger through a straw, dickface? That was right before I hit the little bird in the mouth with an... (5/12/03)
You Don't Know Dick About Tennis
You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don't know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn't matter if they've never picked up a racquet... (4/28/03)
Omar Bricks: Modest as a Motherfucker
A recent poll of girls hanging out in the food court at the mall has yielded this unexpected result: the words most commonly associated with Omar Bricks in the minds of teenage girls are these: cocky good-looking son of a bitch. Actually, those were... (4/14/03)
I Hate Old Movies
I don't know who passed the law saying you've got to love old movies or else you're a shithead, but I think they suck. Christ, half of them aren't even in color. It's just a bunch of pasty white guys standing around saying shit like "That was the... (3/31/03)
Way to Screw Up the Whole World with Your Religion
God bless Christianity.
What kind of mixed-up, unrepressed world would we have without it?
People eating pizza with chopsticks, talking dogs, upright-walking salmon for president. In a word, it would be fuckin' great.
We'd be able to drive... (3/17/03)
Sign Me Up For a Frivolous Lawsuit
I heard on the news the other day, or at least the second-hand news, that some dude just won a major cash settlement after he broke into somebody's house and they were out of Oreos. He was robbin' the joint and in the course of carting out the... (3/3/03)
This is a Bitchin' Watch
Nothing can distract you from your miserable, carless existence better than a new watch. Especially a really bitchin' new watch that does shit.
Most people are happy to settle for watches that don't do a goddamned thing other than tell the time... (2/17/03)
Aye, She Chimmied Me Chonga
Time to face the facts, Omar Bricks loves Mexican food. I am a certified Mexican Food Freak. Not to be confused with a Certified Mexican Freak, that's some kind of license you need to wrestle down there, keeps them from losing all their wrestling... (2/3/03)
Balls to the Wall
Let me be the first to say I have no idea where I met those East Germans. It was one of those things where one minute you're ordering a vodka drink named after a Muppet, the next minute you're one of the founding members of a kraut-rock quartet and... (1/20/03)
Nude Year's Resolution
Like any God-fearing man, Omar Bricks is careful to make a New Year's Resolution every year. Not that I'm all that religious, at least not since being banned from church for impersonating the Pope at a bake sale years ago. But the way I see it, it's... (1/6/03)
Shut-In and Shit On
I have to admit, after my high-voltage high colonic, I almost gave up on the idea of building my own car. Actually, "almost" is too strong a word: I shitcanned the whole plan at a high rate of speed. It takes a wise man to realize his limitations,... (12/23/02)
Pulling a Franklin in the Garage
If you were paying any attention last column, and not just skimming for mentions of supermodel sex, you'll remember I started a story about building a new Bricksmobile and running down to Sears to get a floodlight for the garage, and how those cheap... (12/9/02)
Let There Be Light
The solution to The Great Omar Bricks Transportation Dilemma of 2002 came to me in a dream last Friday night. In the dream I was running away from this big car-wash monster thing, some kind of snuffleupagus made from those shaggy spinner... (11/25/02)
Silly Attorneys, Tricks is for Bricks
I've got two good reasons why you should never, ever name your semi-weekly column My Friend Polio, and here they are: One, you would be seriously stepping on my toes and repercussions would be quick and deadly; and two, it's just bad karma, and let... (11/11/02)
Deep Omar is the Chess Messiah
Life is funny sometimes.
I was out prowling around and whatnot the other day when I ducked into a store in the mall that had this huge life-size statue of Xena in the window. Now, Omar Bricks isn't a huge Xena fan or anything pathetic like that,... (10/28/02)
A Prank Call From the Fates
Some guys have all the luck. Others just get a mouth full of boot heel and bloody tooth shards on a cold October morning. I heard a song about that once.
I'll give you three guesses which category Omar Bricks falls in this week, ladies and... (10/14/02)
Sub-Transportational Carsick Blues
By now everybody in the tri-state area knows about the fiery death of the Bricksmobile, that's old news. And really, big deal. It's something that happens to everybody at least once in their life, having their car blow up and tear the garage doors... (9/30/02)
Just Leave Me a Clone
With all the fervor about cloned cats and cloned pigs and cloned sheep burping too much methane gas into the atmosphere lately, we've almost forgotten to consider the inevitable future of sci-fi bullshit come true: human cloning. Fertility... (9/16/02)
A Sorry State of Affairs
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Seems like everybody's sorry for something these days. Sorry for having the same exact car as me and parking it in the same supermarket parking lot. Sorry for having the stun gun set so high. Sorry for naming their gay bar "The... (9/2/02)
Stealth
You meet some interesting people riding the bus. It's a lot easier to make friends on the bus than it is in a car, since in your car, most of your interactions with other drivers involve shouted sexual boasting or frenzied calls for bloodshed. On... (8/19/02)
A Nation Overfed
I woke up the other day, took a look around and was hit with one shocking ass-wiper of a realization, people: We live in one giant fat-assed country. I turn around for five seconds and all of a sudden everybody looks like they just stepped straight... (8/5/02)
Columnisting is for Suckers
I'm sure when you ask little kids what they want to be when they grow up, a lot of them say "dildo model." And who could blame them? But the sad truth is that, thanks to unrealistic expectations built up by the movies and popular songs, there are... (7/22/02)
Thanks For the Memories, and the Seafood Medley
Stop the presses, or the servers, or whatever the hell the politically correct term is these days: the commune family just got one dude larger. And no, don't call your bookie yet; Lil Duncan isn't pregnant. We've all heard, and started, enough of... (7/8/02)
Cesarean Sections are Overrated
Piss on the shitdick who says Omar Bricks doesn't have any culture; I went to the opera last weekend. I picked up a ticket from some guy in a pillow-quilted jacket down by the bus station on the way home on Friday, and Saturday night I was there at... (6/24/02)
Miracle in a Bottle
If there's one thing the whole world hates, it's a whiner. That's why I've got no patience for these jokers who stand on the street corner and yell in a big whiney voice about Jesus coming and the sinners had better repent now or have one hell of a... (6/10/02)
Adventures in Dogsitting
My neighbor Mitch is away on a trip, and while he's out I've been watching his dogs, Benedict and Arnold. To tell you the truth, I didn't really want to, but he took care of Foghat while I was detained in Mexico a few years back, so I can't rightly... (5/27/02)
Prohibition Here We Come
Regular readers of this column know me to be neither rash nor impulsive. So when I say that we need to bring back the eighteenth amendment (or whatever it was) and once again prohibit the sale of alcohol to minors in this country, you know that I've... (5/13/02)
Time to Check Up on Tunisia
I think it's about time we found out just what's going on over in Tunisia. Things have been a little too quiet over there for a little too long, if you ask me. Which, fine, maybe you didn't, but it's only a matter of time before it would have woken... (4/29/02)
I'm Only Sleeping
Piss off, commune readers. Omar Bricks is here to say one thing and one thing only: leave me alone so I can get some decent shut-eye for once in my goddamned life. You can take all of your beeping handheld devices, your whistling noses and your... (4/15/02)
Controversy, Ahoy!
Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the last twenty years doesn't need to be told this, but just in case I have any hermit crabs among my readership, let me state this loud and clear: Omar Bricks is not afraid of a controversial... (4/1/02)
Omar Bricks, Meet Omar Bricks
Recently I was navigating the vast, frozen expanse of the Internet in an attempt to find out what exactly Ma Bell knows about yours truly. I'd heard some scary shit from Griswald Dreck about how people online know everything about your life, from... (3/18/02)
Just Say No to Rabid Dogs
Seems like we spent our entire childhoods preparing for things that never happened. How many hours did we waste watching filmstrips on not accepting rides from strangers, or classics like "Don't Play with Rover Foamymouth" that taught us the virtues... (3/4/02)
Windows XP: Fight the Future
Recently the nerd squad was here at the commune offices, updating all of our computers with Windows XP. Except of course for Rok Finger's computer, which still runs on typewriter ribbons, midnight oil and elbow grease. And believe me, you can smell... (2/18/02)
Open Up Your Wallets, Corporate Greed-Hounds
Recently I became aware of the completely bogus trend of huge corporations purchasing the naming rights to sports arenas all over the country. Qualcomm Stadium, MCI Arena, Depends Dome, Enron Field, Pepsi Center, McDome Deluxe, Fleet Center,... (2/4/02)
Sick and Tired
If there are three sure signs that you're getting butt-raped by lady luck, they're these: you're sick, you're stuck in a waiting room watching a Behind the Music special on someone under the age of ten, and you're listening to Aaron Neville.
This... (1/21/02)
Handle with Care
It seems like every time you buy a box to mail something in these days, it comes with the phrase "Handle with Care" pre-printed on the side. And I have to wonder, am I paying extra for this? And even further so: what the hell's wrong with the postal... (1/7/02)
Jeff's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Lately it seems like every-damned-body has been asking me what I'll be doing for Christmas, as if I'm going to say that I'll be attending a Roman Orgy and then invite them along, or that I'm going to slip up and say that I'm taking my doped-up sex... (12/24/01)
Your Honor, the Whole Damn Vending Machine in the Hall is Out of Order
One night several weeks ago, I got home after a grueling day of communing to find a strange-assed envelope in my mail box, wedged between the usual offer for Sea Monkeys and a Carmen Electra poster catalog. At first I thought I might have won a... (12/10/01)
A Three Hour Tour of Conspiracy
The other day I found myself sitting on the roof of my house, throwing outdated eggs at some old women who were taking their daily afternoon walk up the sidewalk across the street. One particularly well-flung egg ricocheted off the oldest woman's... (11/26/01)
You're Welcome, Homeless Orphans
Every year around this time I get a lot of mail from readers asking about the holidays. It seems like everyone's got a question on their mind like: "If you run over a kid with your car on Halloween, and you're dressed as a giant baby, can you still... (11/12/01)
Nice Try, Fanatical Cowpokers
God and the commune's mail room clerk, Lefty, both know that here at the commune we get our share of bogus and life-threatening mail. Shit, I think we set some kind of Guiness Stout World Record for it in our first week. Hardly a day goes by that... (10/29/01)
I Only Salute One Flag, Amigos
In the wake of all these bogus attacks, I've begun to thinking, dudes. It's as predictable as a clockwork hooker that when the bombs start falling and ye olde America is under attack that the peoples gonna rally and start flying the flag with the... (10/15/01)
ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY
If there were only one message I could have emblazoned onto a tee-shirt that I would be required to wear from that day forward, like an albatross around the proverbial sailor's neck, it would be this: "ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY". I'm... (10/1/01)
CUIDADO: PISO MOJADO
On a recent trip to the little man's room I came across a sign on the floor. It featured a stick man breakdancing on a yellow background above text which read as follows: "Cuidado: Piso Mojado". That's right, Spanish. And as every bi American knows,... (12/5/00)
Why "My Friend Polio"?
You get asked a lot of stupid questions when you write for the commune. Like, "What is the commune?" and "Who the hell are you?" and "Sir, can you empty your pockets please? Don't cause a scene, sir." But every once in a while a non-dumbass will ask... (4/12/00)
Your Kung Fu is Weak
No dice, no rice, don't think thrice—the conclusion is made, amigo. Your kung fu is weak. I hate to put the tip on the table before the entre is served, but I gots to clear the air. I'm tired of every time I want to head out to the pub or... (4/3/00)
10-10-SELLOUT
I'm thinking about getting into the stand-up comedy business. I don't consider myself to be all that funny really... well maybe wearing a fruit-covered headdress and some canastas to the premiere of "Lambada: The Forbidden Dance" was pretty funny,... (7/21/99)
Porno Broke My VCR
May I be struck down by the ghost of Sid Caesar if I'm lying, but I swear I'm the only person who's paying attention any more in this crazy world. The latest example of thistruism happens to be the VCR repair business. Seems harmless enough of a... (6/3/99)
Nostradamus My Ass
I'm here to talk to you tonight, to tell you that this bogus shit has gone on long enough. You know what I'm going to say, don't you? Well you're wrong, this isn't about turkey thermometers and how come they don't work for people too. This is about... (4/2/99)
Burning Down the Bauhaus
It turned out in the end that the Bauhaus was a terrible place to raise children. First of all, it's more of a loose conglomeration of artistic ideals than it is a freestanding masonry structure or plywood shelter. That's the last time I trust a... (3/8/99)
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Quote of the Day“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”
-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054Fortune 500 CookieNow's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.
Try again later.Favorite Porn Names| 1. | Titty Titty Gangbang | | 2. | Bridgette Fonda Fucking | | 3. | Truck Schtooper | | 4. | Misty Sizzler | | 5. | Chase Winsock | | 6. | Mr. Creamjeans | | 7. | Murph "Family-Size" Sausage | | 8. | Jeff the Sack | | 9. | Jizzabelle | | 10. | Tasty Bummer | |
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