|   Raters of the Lost Arc
Admit it: you'd kick your own mother in the cooch to find out what the hell is going on with ABC's Lost, only your mother won't let you anywhere near her after you slammed her head in that sliding glass door to find out who killed Laura... (2/13/06)
A Series of Unfortunate Evans
Don't ask me why or how, but I keep dating guys named Evan. Without exception. It's actually kind of eerie and disconcerting the more I think about it, which is probably a good sign to quit. Thinking about it, that is. I'm not sure I can quit dating... (4/25/05)
Effin' Crackers
I saw something today that has me very concerned for the direction our culture is headed in. I was strolling past the vending machine in our downstairs neighbor Crochet! magazine's offices, which I do frequently both because I'm the only... (3/28/05)
Deans and Weenies
There are truly frightening times to be a Democrat. We're sort of at war, the economy sucks, and there's a man with the IQ of a salad fork in the White House, threatening against all rational comprehension to be reelected. And it seems unlikely any... (2/9/04)
I Must be Wearing a Shirt that Says "Please Ruin Lord of the Rings For Me"
I've checked through my entire wardrobe twice, but as far as I can tell I don't own any clothing that has anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. I do own an ornate little waistcoat I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear to a Hobbit wedding,... (10/27/03)
Time to Renew Your Smut License
I used to have a music teacher who wouldn't tell you your grade, he'd just play that note on a tuba and you had to figure it out. Bastard. Not that I really cared, I just wanted to get a D flat so I wouldn't have to take the damned class again.
... (5/12/03)
Astral Spies
Someone, somewhere will be watching you get undressed tonight. True! And not on pirated closed-circuit television or other such Big Brotherly technological nightmare, either, your fears have been as misplaced as the cap from a tube of Anusal.... (3/31/03)
A Return to Niceness
Voluminous volumes have been scribed about the decay of American moral values in the last 30 years. And one can hardly blame the writers. A quick peek through your wrought-iron window grills confirms the truth: it's mean out there. Where once... (3/3/03)
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Quote of the Day“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”
-Dan QuayleFortune 500 CookieDon't stop thinking about tomorrow—we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heart—baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.
Try again later.Top 5 commune Features This Week| 1. | Big Boobs Mouseketeer | | 2. | Uncle Macho's Meat Pringles | | 3. | Shiving For Gold | | 4. | Dream Meanings: Poked in the Armpit | | 5. | Rent Midgets to Toss | |
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