You need a newer browser.

3/15/26   
You wanna piece of this?!?
homecommune Staff Biographiescommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Debate Result: Mark Buckles is a CockwadOctober 18, 2004
Tempe, AZ
Alton Onus
Bush and Kerry can agree on one thing: Cockwad? Yes.
L
ast Wednesday’s final presidential debate left many questions unanswered in the minds of American voters, but not among them was the cockwad status of U.S. citizen Mark Buckles. Despite their numerous policy differences, both President Bush and Democratic challenger John Kerry saw squarely eye to eye on the Buckles issue, presenting a unified vision for a future America where Buckles is clearly a total cockwad.

According to political pundits analyzing the debates for the major networks, Kerry looks kind of like an alien and Bush makes a lot of stupid faces.

Seeking to differentiate his Buckles position from that of his challenger, Bush accused Kerry of changing his mind about whether or not Mark Buckles was a cockwad, citing Kerry’s infamous “I called...Read more...


Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures

Scientology lawsuit mediated by Raelian sect

Stealers Wheel Win Super Bowl, Says Heavily Accented Man

Turkey to Block Offensive Websites; commune Offers Pre-Emptive "Fuck You"



July 22, 2002

Click for Biography

Poems

"I remember the first poem I ever read. I was maybe six or seven, possibly twelve or thirty-two, sometimes numbers blur together in my head.

It started out something like, 'I think that I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a tree.' Well, needless to say, that turned me off to poetry right away. I have enough nasty thoughts a-tumblin' round in my head without opening my mind to the possibility of sexual congress with a tree. I'm not sure what kind of liberal hoo-hah forced my teachers to include the perverse interest in forestry among my poetic education, but I wanted no part of it.

It was only later, in my college career, that I had a differing point of view put to me. I stopped my English teacher, Gadfly Harpskull, in the hallway and told him I was going to drop out of his class if he kept reading poetry to us, I wanted no part of it. He demanded I explain my disdain for poetry. I did, and he laughed.

'Hartwig, young man,'—he frequently called me Hartwig— 'I'm afraid your understanding of the poem is a little skewed from that of others. Most people interpret Kilmer's poem to be about the loveliness of nature, the inability of creations by man to match the sheer beauty of nature.'

'Most, you say,' I asked him. 'Not all?'

'Well, naturally, any poem is up for a different interpretation. Some of it requires stretching. In fact, it's possible for any poem to be about sex with a tree if your imagination...Read more...


º Last Column: Cheese
º more columns


August 9, 2004

Click for Biography

Omar Bricks' Day Off

Long about this time every year, the days just get too nice to be wasted sitting around the commune offices, modifying my wrist rocket or flinging boomerangs out the window in the hope that they'll hook back into Raoul Dunkin's window for an Aussie Good Morning. When it gets this nice, it becomes imperative to take the day off, but not the kind of weak-assed "authorized" days off that normal chumps take. Nope, Monday I decided it was time for an Omar Bricks Day Off, the kind where everybody thinks you're still at work but you're actually far away, pushing a greased pig in through the back door of a titty bar somewhere.

Now, though it may sound like all fun and panicked strippers to the novice, an Omar Bricks Day Off is actually a complicated undertaking. If word got to Bagel that I was going to fuck off for the day I'd be in some serious shit, because he'd definitely want to tag along and there's no way I was going to have that big sack of weird following me around all day. I somehow ended up at a boat show with Bagel one time and that Zagnut actually tried to buy the convention center, so he could lock the doors and claim ownership of all the boats and people in attendance. How embarrassing. So needless to say, I needed to bust open a big can of covertness, and fast, unless I wanted to spend the day listening to Bagel talk about how he was suing the television show Method and Red for stealing his character.

At first I tried to set up a...Read more...


º Last Column: My So-Called Life Insurance
º more columns






Milestones
2001: Red Bagel foolishly promises paid vacations next year, only to be later surprised the commune still in business at that time.
Now Hiring
Roadie. Duties include setting up mics, antagonizing audience hours before band comes on, picking up busty ladies of legal age for private band business. No pay, work for throwaway ladies.
Top-Selling Halloween Masks
1.John Kerry w/ matching beret
2.George W. Bush w/ matching quizzical look
3.Zorro's cheaper cousin Steve-o
4.Me, only better
5.Eddie Murphy circa 1986
6.Gollum/Rupert Murdoch 2-year reusable mask
7.Irresistible Sexy Man #34
8.Scary Scream guy stealing "The Scream"
9.'57 Studebaker
10.That guy over there
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Pinky Mulgrew
6/20/2005
Chinks in the Armor
The 1st Rule of the Samurai:

No girls allowed.

Did you ever see a woman samurai? I didn't think so. Because women are ill-equipped to participate in the pissing matches that constitute a central part of the Samurai Way. No one wants to get into a big, messy swordfight, with limbs hacked off and shirts ruined, when differences can be settled with a pissing match. Have you ever seen women try to have a pissing match? Talk about messy. Not the Samurai Way, my friends.

Rule of the Samurai #2:

No drinking anything for three hours before battle.

Nothing cements you more firmly in the annals of loser samurai than to die while taking your armor off to have a leak in the middle of battle. If...Read more...

the commune publishes as the news happens.
Enjoy these random selections from days gone by, and refresh for more.