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Fox Cancels Yankees-Marlins World Series

October 27, 2003
Los Angeles, CA
Junior Bacon
An empty Yankee Stadium greets the spoilsport New York and Florida teams
O
fficials at the Fox network announced last week that despite record ratings for the first two rounds of baseball’s postseason, the Yankees-Marlins World Series will be cancelled due to lack of viewer interest. The announcement stunned and disappointed sports fans, who thought Fox was talking about canceling the World Cup. Executives have since issued a statement assuring the viewing public that the little-watched soccer tournament, which appeals to foreign-born Americans and small children who play soccer, will go on as scheduled.

“Our focus group research indicates that watching the Yankees play in the World Series has the same level of audience appeal as watching the Iraqi National Guard gang-rape Mother Theresa,” explained Fox Sports head Walter Lawrie. “And the Mar...Read more...


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Text-messaging helps degenerate spelling in a new, fun way



April 10, 2006

Click for Biography

Flinging Out the Dead

In honor of this week's Six Feet Under theme, and, what the hell, every person who has ever died, ever, we're going to use this column to take a look at how humans throughout history have dealt with the problem of what to do with dead bodies once the life spark has farted on out the door.

It has often been said that a lot can be learned about a culture by the ways in which they honor their dead, which is only really true for the few cultures throughout history that have buried their dead in a papier-mâchÊ shells made from encyclopedia pages. For most other cultures, funeral customs just show how lazy they were feeling at the time.

For starters, in really ancient times, no real thought was given to burial formalities, mostly because it was just too much work to dig someone's remains out of a hunk of dinosaur poop.

After dinosaur times, but before Dinosaur Jr., man dealt with the death of his fellow man by getting far away from the dead body as fast as humanly possible, much like the way children deal with breaking a window or rolling a car into a lake. In fact, hauling ass away from death was an effective strategy for thousands of years. Some have interpreted this as evidence of early man's fear of death, but in all likelihood it was merely a smart move on early man's part, since funeral details are, without exception, a huge pain in the ass, and you can't get stuck with the bill if you're beating cheeks across the other side of the...Read more...


º Last Column: What the Sleep Do We Know?
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August 23, 2004

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Help Me Get a DVD Box Set

Did you know ALF is coming out on DVD? No kidding, ALF, the show with the puppet doing vaudeville. I hated that stupid show, and not just because they wouldn't hire me to play the title character. But they're not the only one. What's Happening?, Magnum, P.I., The Dukes of Hazzard—these aren't what I'd call classic shows. Okay, I'll give you Dukes, except for the Coy and Vance years. But I'm sure you know where this is leading—Where's my show?

Maybe it only lasted three years, but there's a lot of classics that lasted less time than that. What about Sledge Hammer! or The Richard Pryor Show? Those lasted less time than my show and they get the honor of DVD release. I don't really see the difference. Are you TV types trying to say Who's Your Daddy? doesn't rate? I talk to people all the time who remember that show. Not my creditors, but people on the street and stuff remember it. I always get, "Hey, you're the Who's Your Daddy? girl!" Or, "Wow, I just caught the Who's Your Daddy? girl shoplifting in my store!" Does that sound like a show nobody remembers?

Don't lecture to me about costs. We already filmed the shows, and I know I'm not getting any revenue from them sitting around in your big-ass TV vaults. We had this discussion before, TV biz, and you didn't want to air them on TV Land or Nick at Nite. So let's forget that battle. What about DVD? You can release all the...Read more...


º Last Column: Child Star for Hire
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Quote of the Day
“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”

-Billiam Swordswart
Fortune 500 Cookie
The next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.


Try again later.
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Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie

View Past Columns
BY Chandra Hiccough
6/28/2004
I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days.

Stand back and smell the magic:


There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Her anatomy oft compared to a bucket;
Unfair was the claim
Made against this fair dame,
Did I mention her name was...
ah, fuck it.

Let's try this again.

There once was a MAN from Nantucket,
Who would eat up clam then upchuck it;
So disgusting his trick
As to make a girl sick,
I wish I'd had the reflexes to duck it.

No, no, no. Why do I always end up writing about dad?
Read more...

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