|   Big Bee is Dead
Hello, communes. Boris is this. Coming on you with big news of year: Big bee is dead. Yes, is so! Every person remember big bee, is bee thing from Boris child's hood what always give Boris time so hard. Whenever Boris is does go outsides to play... (4/30/07)
Boris is Spider
Hello reading you. Boris being here to tell you exciting story of adventures and foods does Boris eat. Yes yes yes, is event of year, true. Boris enjoys time in New Olean, magic place of spicing things. All things here is spicing, food so hot does... (3/27/06)
New Olean is Made for Boris
Hello Boris, this is me. How is commune persons? So fun? Good to be for you. Boris? Boris is bitching. Boris is living good lives on top of bust in dead car museum, such beautiful place where sun is does shine on metal everywheres like beautiful... (11/28/05)
Louis Apartment or Bust
Oh, shits. Boris must tell of exciting commune road tripping story, but where for begin? First to begin on thing with terror persons who does taking over commune office. This thing is so funny for Boris. "Oh hello you! Get on grounds or we can... (9/26/05)
Boris Does Love Jehoma
Hello column. Welcome to thing is Boris brain on papers. Such good time to do this thing because Boris brain full of good thought is for writing today. Yesterdays, not so. Yesterday Boris brain full of being hungry and Girls Got Wild video... (5/9/05)
Superbowl Does Kick Balls of Boris
Okay. Hello. Boris is back with so soon new column thing to describe Superbowl! Yay for soon! But first to tell of how Boris get back to Louis apartment. Boris does go on thing at librarium called Internets to read old Boris column, because this... (2/7/05)
Superbowl Come Home
Hello, invisible commune friends. Long time Boris does not talk to you. Forever long time you do not talk to Boris, always quiet reading Boris letters and not write back. commune is like far-off penpal who is dead.
But Boris happy writing again... (1/24/05)
Boris is Terminal
Hello commune. Boris is back and black, but not of the skin. This is mistake thinking because of Boris dirtiness. Is okay, happen all times that person think Boris black but not like in ACDC musics.
If reader remember from last column time, Boris... (11/15/04)
Please Sing Secret Boris Song
Hello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect... (8/23/04)
Okay, is Time for Fighting Crime
Being Hobo Boris is not all times good like horse cream and lollipop. Yes, Boris does sing song about good part of this life, but also there is more pieces to the Reese's. Sometimes is pain in ass like sitting on dead porcupine or also live... (7/12/04)
Hello is Hobo
Hello, fans. Boris is being here. Welcome to thing that is fun times on road with Boris person, who is I. So much stories to tell of fun railroad hobo life, where is the beginning?
First thing, many Boris reader probably wondering "How Boris? How... (5/31/04)
Indian Boris Doesn't Not Know How
Hello persons holy shits. So much to tell of Boris story, no times for kidding words. So sorry, but Boris will put in funny jokes times two in next time column.
Story does start with Boris living wild life thing on road with Angels from Hell... (4/5/04)
Flies is Like Eagle in Future
Hello reading man, is Boris is here. So many thing to tell about Boris life, and so not much space on postcard. Read slow, and Boris will try to fit in many thing.
First funny thing that happens is about Boris friend of bird. One day, Boris is... (1/26/04)
Hello from Road
Hello, computer persons. Boris is here from road. Boris think life is big adventure thing with mystery chocolates, like Andy Gump person does says. So true like fortunate cookie. But Boris is allergic to chocolates, so Boris life is like big box of... (12/22/03)
Boris is Tripping
Hello hello, reading persons. Boris is here for column. So much to tell of story! Big news is Boris is Angel from Hell like in easy Wynona Ryder movie! Is true! So exciting. But Boris must tell how these things does happen. First of it all... (12/8/03)
Boris is Too Old For This Shit
Boris love in movie Lethal Weapons when cop persons is saying "I am too old for this shit!" when him is supposed to do dangerous thing. Chief says for Crocket and Tubbs to go on adventure to stop karate guys from making money, and thing will... (11/24/03)
Boris Does Love This 24 Show
When watching TVs is good idea to have shows to like, for to know when to turn on TV thing. Because if Boris does turn TV on at wrong time, there goes whole day watching to see who wins Fortunate Wheel or see what News person does find... (11/10/03)
Basketsball Jesus
Boris has new funny nickname. Is Michael Jordans. Ha ha.
Is true, Boris is star of this game. No persons can slam the dunk like Boris and his many sweatbands. This is secret of basketsball, to wear many colorful sweatbands on head, arms and... (10/13/03)
Life Has Lemons for Boris
It all start when Boris goes to store and get lemons.
Boris is telling Louis story about is sad that kids on block like to throw eggs at Boris when him is walking Similar to Skippy dog, and Boris is too slow to catch egg presents and make into... (9/29/03)
Look Out for Fuzz
Oh crap, Boris is in trouble with law. Yes, is true. Is worse than time Boris use hair blower to dry off in shower, then finds out is against hair blower law. Boris is moving Louis mattress other day, to get valuable things when Louis is out on... (9/15/03)
Wave Hello to Heat
Hello persons. Is so hot. Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot. In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in... (9/1/03)
Boris is Ready for Some Football
Hello, reading persons. Yes yes, is Boris. How are you? Oh well, that is not so good. Boris hopes you are soon to find some happiness under miserable rock of life.
Is there secret to such thing? Boris does not know. But Boris does know thing that... (8/18/03)
Hooray for Metallica
Hello, fan of Boris. Is welcome to column. Now you are wondering, I know, when is Boris to do something large? So tired of just reading that Boris live in America and watch for naked persons with binogulars. But no more time to be tired, reading... (8/4/03)
Boris is Pointing
Thanks to thing which is dollar store, Boris is now having pointer. Is thing for rich persons. Yes, like Boris. In homeland, Boris is always pointing at thing with finger, which is for poor persons to do. Other persons do laugh at this stupid... (7/21/03)
Summertimes
Boris think Summertimes is nice thing. Is perfect thing for going out of doors to set foods on fire. Louis teaches Boris of this fine Summertimes thing that is tradition. In homeland, persons and firemens is all mad with Boris for setting food and... (7/7/03)
Lesson of Dream
Hello, reader of Boris. Is day good? Yes, what you say is not the shit.
If you are asking, Boris is good. All days is good since Boris make friend with big bee. Talk about great thing, this is bee friend.
It all starts when Boris has dream. In... (6/23/03)
Big Bee
Boris does not like the out of doors. Boris mother say for to go outside and play with stray dogs, but Boris doesn't not like such things. Outside is big, and with many temperatures. Plus, outside there is always big bee to tease and chase Boris all... (6/9/03)
In Matrix is Boris
Hello to all readers. Or do readers say hello to Boris? Boris is all upside turned down by Matrix movie, which is too far out for Louis.
Friend Louis take Boris to see Matrix movie on condition Boris pay for ticket then go in exit door Louis... (5/26/03)
Goodbye War
Okay, time to admit: Boris misses the war movie. For long times Boris can turn on televisions and see good movie about America war with sand castle persons. Very good movie where America knocks down big metal robot bad guy at end, that is the happy... (5/12/03)
Parachute
Boris has dream is living in parachute. Big grand thing is soft like silk underpants. And also is for falling slow from airplanes. Is nice thing to live inside, when in dream.
In parachute: is kitchen, bedroom, hallroom and toaster. Nice for... (4/28/03)
Lunch
Boris is here to tell about lunch. For lunch, Boris having sandwich of pickles, bologna, creamcheese, olives, cabbage and Russian bologna. Louis say Russian bologna make you grow tits out of asscrack, but that is just Louis charming way of speak.... (4/14/03)
Beautiful Tuba
Well commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is... (3/31/03)
Hello Secret Valentine
Okay, time to fess it up. Who is Boris secret Valentine?
Is Louis? Not thinking so. Louis only give Valentine to hooker and Louis mother.
Is Bagel Red? Still not thinking so. Bagel Red only love money and Sesame Streets.
So who is... (3/17/03)
Boguslaw Sadowski
Not to worry, Boris is here! Yes, yes, thank you. Happy at seeing you too. Today big day for Boris, today getting camera day! Boris getting camera for to take picture of airplane in sky. Yay! Real nice camera come with film inside already. This is... (3/3/03)
Green is Card
Boris watching T.V. in the night to see funny man speaks of Jesus. Favoritefunny show this week for Boris, man with fiberglass hair say thing of lord infunny voice all times. "PRAISETHEJESUS!" he yell and Boris is laughing. Boristell this joke to... (2/17/03)
Boris is Superbowl Party
Ah, hello! How'd it happen? Yes, yes, Boris is good too.
Already Boris feel American like John Sinatra. Louis teach about football, andcheese in can. What wonderful thing! Boris press button on can, and cheese jumpout like "Here I am to eat!"... (2/3/03)
Hello From Robot Apartment
Hello, country! Boris is returned with more column. Nice of you asking Boris fine! Yes, yes. Boris is lovely with life in new country. Already life like exciting rollingcoaster. One time, you say "Hey, this is fun, I am in crazy train car!" and... (1/20/03)
Coming Inside America
Hello now. Boris is here. Welcome to the country where Boris now living. America! Hello! Long journey come to America, over land, sea and vomiting Alpaca. Alpacas not like the ocean! "Look out!" said Alpaca, by way of him tossing out the mouth... (1/6/03)
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Milestones1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.Now HiringCompulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.Top Nicknames for Each Toe| 1. | Lil Pete | | 2. | Sweat Hog | | 3. | Midlor, the Middle Toe | | 4. | Die Schweine! | | 5. | Mr. Overrated | | 6. | King Shit | | 7. | Toe Ain't So Big | | 8. | Jam Salad | | 9. | Steve McQueen in The Great Escape | | 10. | Phantom Itch | |
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