|   Don't Drop the Elf
There was a midget named Fidget and a carcass named Marcus and when it rained the two would sluice through the juice that ran down from the hills and take all the pills they found on windowsills. They would tell each other stories of Reginald... (5/21/07)
The Legendary Spot of Coco Hobari McSteve
In a tree by the beach
lived a lecherous leech
named Coco Hobari McSteve.
McSteve believed
that a spot on his sleeve
held the secret the universe had pondered.
So anyone who wandered
by the tree or who squandered
a glance elsewhere was... (4/19/04)
Isaac DePlane
Isaac DePlane took off his brain
as it had grown heavy
and his neck was tired.
All filled up with stats
and soluble fats
his poor peachy brain became mired.
"Catch you later, bitch!"
he hucked his brain in a ditch
and he felt wonderfully... (1/20/03)
Cakes Are for Baking
"Cakes are for baking
and rakes are for raking,"
declared Paul Von Nosberg
Von Shaking.
"Numerous studies
have indicated the same thing,"
he said as he buffed
his large amethyst ring.
"Ships are for shipping
and chips are for chipping,"... (12/23/02)
There Was No Way to Tell
The tree hopped down from the hill
and he dashed through the field.
The sun had been peeled
and the clouds were as plump
as a Chinaman's rump.
A squirrel was asleep on a branch,
he awoke with a blanch
and he turned a stark white
when the... (12/9/02)
Through the Colon of a Whale
A Gonit on a sled
races home to his bed
through the colon of a whale
sleeping on a bed of shale
snoring gently, without fail.
Through corridors the green sled slid
past hooks and nooks
where blue snails hid
by toreadors who long debated
... (12/9/02)
The Girl Everyone Just Sort of Assumed Was Native American
Here is a tale, well-learned, well-told,
about a girl of fifteen years old.
A girl nearly so old she could drive
with pretty brown skin and a look in her eye.
Between that and how she called the corn "maize"
everyone thought her and Indian... (11/11/02)
GET UP!
"GET UP!"
screamed the miter
(a miniature mote)
who'd grown up in the bottom
of the back of a boat.
"RISE!"
cried the tiny little segmented man
whose hat was bright purple,
but his body was tan.
"HUZZAH!"
he repeated, at the top... (10/28/02)
Mouse in My House
The mouse in my house
has the run of the land.
He pees in my porridge
and he shits in my hand
while I lie sleeping,
naively unaware
that the mouse in my house
is nibbling on my hair.
And eating my breadcrumbs!
And drinking my pop!
I... (10/14/02)
The Boy From Demon's Bay
In a tree on a hill
by a glimmering lake
lived a boy named LeCroy
and his father, LeJake.
In the simmering sun
on the year's hottest day
the boy went for a walk
in the town of Demon's Bay.
Though he was well liked
the boy was... (9/30/02)
A Little Bit Hungry
A midget ate a pigeon
and the pigeon ate a pig.
If that seems odd remember
that the pig was not that big.
He was a bite-sized nugget,
a toy pig as they say,
one that would fit on a keychain
should your inkling lean that way.
The pig... (9/16/02)
Scrumpletydumples
"Flippetyripples dapplety-giblets!"
cried the elf-like thing.
Pouncing on his footstool,
he was dressed fit for a king.
His sniveling little attendant
was harshly reprimanded:
"Dimplety-smackers… chalooga!"
he so eloquently demanded.... (9/16/02)
Snuffles, Wonder Dog
The call to alert had come! Or perhaps it was a call to alarm, there's a tricky subtle difference between the two that's always been tough to nail down. But whichever it was, the phone was ringing! Snuffles sprang into an action pose with his... (8/19/02)
The Story of the Unids
You see, there were these teeny tiny people who lived in a doll Tamara bought at the mall and though they were quite peaceful and kind, when they came out to introduce themselves she thought they were fleas and sprayed the whole lot of them with an... (8/5/02)
Shinto the Pinto
Shinto the Pinto was the nicest car anyone could ever reasonably hope to meet. He drove at reasonable speeds, signaled for turns, and hardly ever ran down baby carriages on the sidewalk merely for sport. His interior smelled like a freshly unwrapped... (7/22/02)
Leland Was a Flea
Leland was a flea who was enchanted by the unlimited possibilities of life. He roamed the earth, bounding like, well really like nothing other than a healthy flea, because when you take relative size into consideration there really isn't anything on... (7/8/02)
Toudle-Lou & Toudle-Lee
In your travels, should you find
some oddball children, pay no mind.
But if you do, and you have learned
that they love candy recently turned,
it behooves you to flee at once.
And don't come back
that way for months.
For you have... (6/10/02)
The Land of Rotten Children
In your travels, should you find
some oddball children, pay no mind.
But if you do, and you have learned
that they love candy recently turned,
it behooves you to flee at once.
And don't come back
that way for months.
For you have... (6/10/02)
Toudle-Lou & Toudle-Lee
Toudle-Lou and Toudle-Lee sat in a tree and ate cranberries. That's the way they'd wile away a Thursday in the land of Margoline. Some are fonder of a wander through the woods, while peeling strands of string cheese. But not the Toudles, for them... (5/13/02)
Jojo the Imp
In the Valley of Sali, beneath a beautiful bridge, lived an Imp named Jojo who dreamed of one day being a construction worker. His daydreams were filled with visions of hardhats and bolt-throwers and rivets shining in the noontime sun. It was a... (4/15/02)
The Hat Thief
There once was a bat who lived in a hat in a crevice overlooking the sea. How'd the hat get there? Why should you care? I should care, it belonged to me. I think the bat stole it, down the street he rolled it, while I was asleep in my bed. And when... (3/18/02)
The Golden Potion
Once upon a time
Or so goes the line
I heard tell a notion
Of a gold magic potion
Its power mysterious,
A bouquet quite delirious
It filled all who drink
With the charm of a king
The strength of ten oxen
For lifting or boxing,
The smell... (2/18/02)
The Man in the Baloney Suit
There once was a man
in a baloney suit,
Who danced on the
street corner all day.
He'd dance a jig
when the mood struck him
And then repeat it
without much delay.
Oh what a sight, with all his might
He'd spring and he'd spritz all... (1/21/02)
Rosey Red-Ass
Once upon a time,
in the kingdom of Winter,
a magical donkey
got a magical splinter.
A magical kangaroo rat
pulled it from his magical toe,
all in a magical way
now, don'tcha know.
The magical donkey
heaved a magical sigh,
until a... (1/7/02)
The Boy Who Could Not Smell
Once upon a time there was an ecstatically happy couple named Bitrate and Sorma, who lived in the town of Ringbear near Norma. The town made a sound like a hub cap going round and round a banister not far from the stairs. Everyone who lived there... (11/26/01)
The Boy No Bigger Than a Claritin Pill
Once upon a time there was a happy couple who could not, you know, have a kid. They went to doctor after doctor until they found one who told them he could help her get pregnant, but neither the husband nor wife were happy with his suggestion and... (10/29/01)
The Cobbler's Son
Once upon a time, there lived a poor old cobbler who was very sad because he could have no children. He would wander up and down the road kicking puppies into the street gutter and praying to God to give him a child. Any child. Even someone else's... (10/1/01)
Noal, Choker of Meat
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful princess named Esmerelda and she lived in a beautiful castle high above the kingdom, Buhtkrack, where her father was a sovereign and noble man. How she longed to be married to the stable boy, Noal, for he... (9/1/01)
Peter and the Wagon
Once upon a time there lived a happy boy named Peter. Peter had his very own dog and often he would teach it neat tricks like fetching the paper and playing dead and frightening off the Internal Revenue Service Officials. Peter loved his dog very... (8/1/01)
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Quote of the Day“If you're not a liberal when you're 25, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative by the time you're 35, you have no inheritance. Die already, Uncle Franco… just… die.”
-Winthrop ShurikenFortune 500 CookieWho's the man? More specifically, who's the man who shattered your kneecap with a club and took you out of the competition? Now would be a good time to switch to NetFlix from your previous practice of watching the movie on the video store display TVs. Keep your eye on the sparrow. Lucky jeans: Levi, Bugle Boy, Lee, and Auel.
Try again later.How Did Rat Poison Get in Food for Dogs & Cats?| 1. | Particularly sly British mouse known only as Nigel | | 2. | Adult illiteracy: Secret shame of the pet food industry | | 3. | Turned back for one minute; Islamic fundamentalists cats & dogs go shithouse on production line | | 4. | Mislabeled bags were manufactured for special Ted Nugent brand of pet food | | 5. | One man determined to get the fucking dog to play dead already | |
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