|   Blog
There was a frog on my pog until a dog ate the pog and a log ate the dog on a jog yes, the log then a clog ate the log and a bog ate the clog and in the bog swam a hog in the smog sent from Prague as I slog through eggnog like a cog and a polliwog recalls the frog on the pog and a dog drops a log where I jog and a hair clog in the bog chokes the hog in the smog and in Prague Praguers slog... (5/28/07)
Nice Smile
Teeth made from beef are a source of great grief for Leif and a thief with the brief name of Queef. Chewing with meat is a feat quite neat, but a taste far from sweet when heat makes meat excrete. The Dentist, an apprentice, was a Chicagoland menace. Making each venture into dentures an indentured adventure. Making each meaty teeth-clencher a thirst quencher I'm then sure. A mouth full of... (3/19/07)
Meat in the Ground
Toasters are boasters and otters are modest but the lotto you bought was for the wrong archipelago. Mangy changers are deranged, sez strange Jessica Lange. Druids love fluids but who is the wiser the Kaiser? On rye, sir, that miser misspelt Pfizer. Fuck 'em. Loosely my tooth sings of ribald rococo. Yoko went loco and toked all my Midal in a long bong from Hong Kong with tongs from Longs... (4/10/06)
Nanotech Speckles
Nanotech speckles form freckles electronic, bionic and fair On my face and the space around as sound pleasing sound eeks from the sparkles there in my glittery hair Bear hair, cloned re-zoned to my bald scalp like carpeting the Alps like beautiful Ralph my refurbished neighbor Breath smells clickable by choice ride on my voice butterscotch and mint lavender with a hint of plum No gum! We... (12/12/05)
Sentence
Gonads like nomads of the lowlands in snowpants eat Rolaids with barmaids, says no man to snowman and icicles ride bicycles as rice pickles sing Don Rickles and yellow bellows forth from the fourth porch painted by Enid and Crosby and Mick who, sick in the dick let his boiling brain simmer and slimmer and dimmer than bromides of Apartheid the Easter beast parted ways with the started phase with... (11/7/05)
The Sissy
If you call me a prick do I not cry? Bully, thine mouth offends me fuck it Was it not me who kept secret your smoking your out of class without a pass you hi-jinks and ne'er-do-wells? I reach out my hand and you turn it back to smack my own cheeks why, oh why am I hitting myself? I would hold my head high were it not stuffed in the urinal hair stained with pisswater and stink let me go, Josh;... (9/26/05)
Your Ass is Grass and I'm the Lawnmower
Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower You're slower than Noah with his Ark overflowin' And I'm fast like the gas you passed when you harassed my nose last. You've got mast ass you butt pirate I know you desire it so don't pretend you're not fruity like pebbles, you beauty It's my duty to inform you I'm about to transform you into a pile of pain as you choke on the main vein Do I need to... (9/5/05)
Menu
Tonsils so docile
you can eat them like dumplings
dumping your tummy
on a rumpled green tongue.
Stews you can use
to lose the blues
if you choose
or just deliver the news
that Stu is here, too.
Feet of a stork
that look like a cooked fork
and even Mork from Ork
would prefer them to pork.
Brains from Spain,
jalapenoed or plain
but first let me explain
that the drippings... (7/4/05)
Bouncing Against Injustice
I am a beach ball You bet your balls Round and colorful inflated and plastic I piss you off at concerts I lure you into the deep end drown you, dumb fuck I am the Hungry Hippo I eat your marble always eating your marbles until I am the victor and your Hippo starves thin and dessicated fat-ass Hippo I am the guitar of humanity strumming the tune you dread thundering power chords ... (6/27/05)
Phil Spector's Hair
Rising high like a psychedelic mushroom cloud so loud without a sound Holy Jesus, did you see Phil Spector's hair? Big like Canada Big like the sun Big like an idea whose time has come Phil Spector's hair is like a Zen koan Through which the wind doesn't whistle, it moans It's so big it's small It's so short it's tall Fuck it man, I lost my Frisbee in there Phil Spector's hair's got more air... (6/6/05)
Self-Fornicated
Kiss me, you beast with the golden toes
the arches of your eyebrows like a broken McDonald's sign
the smacky wetness of your lips like the maw
of a paint-stained flower (love me, Venus Flytrap)
Absorb me
swallow me whole
crush my bones with teeth
chewing me like Laffy Taffy
I am whole once again
your are a hole, once again
I fall into you
never hitting bottom
I am a bowel... (5/30/05)
Brandy is Dandy
Brandy is dandy
and wine is fine
but liquor is quicker
and vodka divine.
Gin makes you sicker
and slows down your ticker
when you pull down your knickers
so more freely to bicker.
Thunderbird
is a wonder, stirred
and Night Train
makes my veins strain
to carry some of that good stuff to my heart.
Bacardi?
Sounds like a party, Marty
best not to be tardy
if you want any more... (5/9/05)
My Love is Like an Orange
My Love is Like an Orange,
all shiny and orange
and filled with a citrus burst
to quench your lonely thirst.
My love is not like porridge
or storage
or forage
For my love is like an orange
and…
Bugger, nothing rhymes with orange.
Nevermind.
My Love is Like Silver
lightning-quick and quite valuable
but with great heat it is malleable
to the shape of your heart
or at... (4/11/05)
Blown by the Sun
The night air like a cheese, perfumed with sea water
A blocky, leaky, laggy cheese coating us all
We the three of us tramp through Panama City
Selling fake insurance policies for a dollar to
The tourists
The cops roust us here and there, upon catching sight of seersucker suits
A tighty, sticky, stocky kind of faded brown material
Each of us is having the time of his life, or the other's
... (4/4/05)
Motherfucker Goose
There was an old woman who
lived in a shoe
she had so many children
she didn't even have to work
I had to support them all
because she's a liar
Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone
I porked the old crow
but don't let my friends know
it was, like, 4 a.m.
and I hadn't been lucky all night
As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives
... (3/7/05)
Quadrophonia
Love is a many-splendored thing
with tentacles.
"Ding-dong, the witch has snacks,
that Rax hires blacks
and Jack hates jacks.
Which old witch?
Fool, how many witches you know?
Shiiiit."
Felt manacles felt fantastical
when I was bound
to the brownie hound
(a giant cartoon dog
with a love for fudge,
not my dirty neighbor who mooned the judge).
To judge the moon is to... (2/28/05)
Popular Road
I rode a horse on a winding path
And saw before me, though I'm bad at math
The path became two roads ahead
One rocky and coarse, a bitch to tread
The safer course, apparent to sight
Was clean-cut and easy, a porridge "just right"
With either path my choice to choose
I took the path less apt to bruise
Yes, I took the road well-traveled
And my seams kept sewn, my sweater stayed... (2/7/05)
The Road to Budokan
On the road to Budokan
I met a man named Rama Dan.
And Rama Dan had a dog
named Frog,
who hopped like the same.
Frog also wore
a green polystyrene suit,
serving to make
the resemblance more acute.
Frog didn't know what a frog was
or that his way of moving,
for a dog, was
quite strange and notably unique.
Or that a proper frog should ribbet,
not squeak.
Frog could be said
to... (1/31/05)
Drained Heart
My heart
is
empty
like the keg
on
the porch
Why, Denise,
why?
To drive home
is
fine
designated driver
you
volunteered
But to drive
... (1/17/05)
Party Girl
Paris Hilton can kiss my ass,
since when is that bitch
the Head of the Class?
That greasy skank's a Dennis
who can't bring no menace.
That's if she even knows
what an ass is!
Man, I've got an ass that surpasses,
she barely even has one herself.
You couldn't rest a dime on that shelf.
Girl hasn't got enough crack
to get two midgets high, Jack!
Please guys, if you want a grope
... (12/20/04)
New Diet!
Quiet!
I'm going on a new diet!
Now don't deny it,
you know you wanna try it!
Because a diet's way easier to do
when the whole big world's
on it with you!
Gonna lose that baby fat
that's been lurking around my tummy
like a tapeworm
wrapped 'round a mummy!
No more fat hanging around my belly
like an unwelcome bowl full of jelly!
And my new diet's political too!
No more... (12/6/04)
Peace Frog
There's blood in the streets,
there's meat on these sheets.
What am I, sleeping with a butcher?
Napping on crazy wax paper
wrapped in crap vapors
dreaming of walking on gongs
past a sleeping pitbull.
Goddamn is this song loud
carpeting the air
like a plumber who woke up
and forgot what his goddamned job was
and just started carpeting everything.
Crazy fuck.
... (11/15/04)
Dromediary
Long and hairy luminaries
hang from the sky and dangle scary
fingers downward in repose
just itching to twitch and pick my nose.
Prescient crescents—
the cartoon moons
fill the sky to seven deep
with beauty to cause my golden weep
as I burp softly in my sleep.
Luminous cumulous
clouds form a shroud
around "Downtown" Julie Brown
who just stopped by to make a sound
like a... (10/18/04)
Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics
Jack Sprat could eat no fat but his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig's feets. Next week poker's at your house, Jack. The itsy, bitsy, spider crawled up the water spout. I almost fucking died, did you see the size of that thing? I just wanted a drink, I didn't scream! I don't think. Hey: itsy, bitsy my ass. Jack and Jill went up the... (9/20/04)
Whistlepig
Loud and sweet,
the howling of the whistlepig
erects my nipples like
sails taut in the wind.
Sailfish taught me to win
by cheating at cards,
like a cardinal at charms
or an oriole with arms.
Whistlepig, whistlepig,
let me in,
caught by the hair
on your skinny tin fin.
It's just my luck to get fucked
on a wagon by Chuck
who'd suck a duck for a buck!
Old Spice tastes nice on... (8/23/04)
I Am the Girl From Nantucket
Since I believe my good name and hometown have been slandered long enough, I've endeavored to best (and hopefully replace) the famous ribald limerick that has dogged my earthly days.
Stand back and smell the magic:
There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Her anatomy oft compared to a bucket;
Unfair was the claim
Made against this fair dame,
Did I mention her name was...
... (6/28/04)
What If?
What if the sky revolves around the earth, like a player-piano roll cranked by a troll that looks disturbingly like former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl? What if pineapples were alive? What if they are? How do you feel about cracking open their spiny skulls and feeding on their juicy, delicious yellow brains now that you know? I thought so. What if Africa turned out not to be a place at... (5/31/04)
Dick Food
The hyenas of Sunset Boulevard chew on my taint
like bubblegum in the mouth
of the oldest spoiled daughter
of this widow I've been screwing for beer money.
Nasty ravens chomping on my eyeballs like pimento olives
at the dog track.
Run, you shitbreathed little mutt!
Did I really bet my last five bucks
on this three-legged Shi Tsu?
I gotta stop drinking Bicardi.
The only picture... (5/3/04)
Hungry Like a Wolf
I'm hungry like a wolf
that just ate a whole
big-ass bag of Purina
but then he saw something
really funny and was
laughing so hard
he barfed it all up.
Dark in the city, night is a wire,
steam in the subway, earth is a fire.
Holy shit, how can I think about eating at a time like this?
But it doesn't matter, you can't
teach a wolf not to be so goddamned selfish.
A wolf is like... (4/5/04)
Constantinople (A Spent Tin Colon)
Connie bought an opal
("Abalone coupon night!")
from Constantinople.
(Flint postmen croon. A)
Dennis killed a dentist
(dissident knelt Daniel)
at noon on a weekend.
(down on one knee at a)
Eustace was the loosest
(teahouse. "Slow Cassette,")
old bag at the ball.
(sang Wallet Bloodbath.)
"Skippy LeBonne,
("Penis knob? Yelp!")
what are you on?"
("Wore tuna? Ahoy!")
... (3/8/04)
Your Sister?
Your sister?
I kissed her,
because I thought she was you!
…and you had the flu
that made you gain a pound or two.
Or twenty.
Seriously,
deliriously I did mack on her lips,
but I thought I was eating chips
all smothered in dips!
I was all crazy
and my vision was hazy
because I missed you!
And I thought I kissed you
but I guess I fucked your sister instead.
Did I... (2/23/04)
Vaginal Scrape!
Vaginal scrape!
Me!
Today!
Hot damn hot damn, get out of my way!
I've got a date with Mr. Goodtimes.
And the raindrops can't hit my ass
Because I'm moving too fast.
Take me home, Doctor Proctor.
The evening shall be gynecotacular!
That thing's going to be clean enough
To host a picnic inside, I tell you what.
Health inspectors will declare
"It's spotless in there!"... (2/9/04)
Fuckin' Cold
It's cold outside
Fuckin' cold
Like a snowman's icy balls
Like a dead Eskimo stuck to a flag pole
Up in Ugunumtwat, Alaska.
That cold.
Why does it get so cold?
Because God don't love you no more
Charlie.
Suck on that for a while.
No actually it's because the sun
Is two-timing us with China
Over there shining up the place
Making everybody warm and happy
While we scrape ice... (1/26/04)
I Bought This Memory
I bought this memory at Walgreens,
it was discounted heavily.
With it implanted I settled back
to enjoy my reverie.
But to my dismay I soon realized
why this memory had been spurned.
It was of eating a stale club sandwich
whose mayonnaise had turned!
I took it right back for a refund,
but the Chinese clerk he protested.
He asked for proof, by way of receipt
for the memory I'd... (1/12/04)
Glass I
I once had a glass I
and in case you're reading this
out loud to someone
I feel the need to clarify.
Not a glass eye
as in an eyeball made of glass,
a creepy hazel doodad
staring frozen in impasse.
Nor some tricky
eye-sized marble
clenched within your skull cavity,
designed expressly by the glass man to mask your deformity.
But rather an entire me made of glass.
Hands,... (12/22/03)
Lonely Cloud
I wandered lonely as a cloud,
it was Halloween and I had about
sixty pounds of cotton
glued to my leotards.
And nobody wanted to trick or treat
with a kid
who was dressed up like a that.
Needless to say, being seven sucked bad.
The stars shone down
like Christmas lights
all flashing in crazy sequences
that made me nauseous
and I got sick on the tree stand.
That was on Christmas,... (12/8/03)
The Raccoon Killer
On golden gilded lapis lazuli
the gnome was homely, old and plain.
Byzantine tattoos on his brain
made him think the world insane.
"Lichens liken to Vicodin dreams…
rolled oats, old goats, matriarchs."
A Chicano girl named Rosa Parks
mumbled something in the dark.
"I am the Duke of lukewarm duke,"
he tried the title on for size.
Mercury tears welled up in his eyes,
round... (11/24/03)
Chase the Weasel
All around the Crunchberry bowl
the monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought it was
fuckin' funny
until "POP!" goes the weasel!
The fucking weasel exploded,
I'm not kidding.
It was fuckin' raunchy.
Up and down the hallway stairs
the monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey liked to give 'im a scare
then "POP!" went the weasel.
Goddammit monkey!
Quit chasing those weasels!
... (11/10/03)
Deuce
slapped so hard his beak was loose.
But Bruce and Luce they called truce,
and drank a can of blue moose juice.
The goose he drank it through a sluice.
Norman Snoran, small recluse,
lives deep inside a red caboose.
He's solitary, one could deduce,
because his swearing is profuse.
Though some think that just an excuse.
Sorta Spellman, allow me to introduce,
a girl for which I... (10/27/03)
Radiation Plantation
"Radiation Plantation,"
I spoke the information.
"Scott?"
Scott blew snot on a pink carnation.
"Ready the gammaram,
and prepare for floatation."
"Aye aye, captain,"
he replied as he spied a crustacean.
So at last we'd found it,
in the deepest of space!
This holiest of grails,
the prey in our chase…
Who'd have believed it!
Real, and true?
Nobody! But you were... (10/13/03)
The Insomnia of Ransom Ripple
Ransom Ripple's twisted nipples
kept him from his sleep.
The night was long,
as Ransom's thong
straight up his ass would creep.
An incessant dripping
at his ears was nipping,
as it echoed from the sink.
"This noisy room
will be my doom!"
was all that he could think.
The words to a song,
like a clanging gong,
rang and jiggled his brain.
"This tune will be
the death of... (9/29/03)
Nature
Lovely limping little lepers
like to lick my Dr Pepper.
Lice feel nice as honey-nuts
buzz right up a buzzard's butt.
Screaming beetles
weave through weevils
so rude they chewed
all my Big League Chew.
"Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers
'cause I just made some weevil jam.
My own mother's been sending me Spam—
Ma'am, I can only fry so much spiced ham!
"Goddamn!" that ram likes... (9/15/03)
Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve.
"Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted."
"Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said.
"Choose? I ought not. Hey, have you met the redhead I caught sleeping on my cot?"
Nate's spate of dates elated Ted who, sated, rated aphids one to ten. A four... (9/1/03)
What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler--
I use it when I have to,
but I try not to be wasteful,
lest the staples disappear
I rarely use my Scotch tape;
most things have to be stapled.
I use paperclips aplenty,
but my tape might last all year
The rubber bands are useful--
I find I use them daily.
Though binder clips are better,
I can't always find them here
Those paperclips I spoke of
... (8/18/03)
Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed,
though none of the
neighbors could hear.
Not even when Teddy,
his day wrecked already,
wet the pillow with one salty tear.
The bedroom was silent
while in calculations violent
Theodore did ponder his fate.
Then spirit intravenous
did stoke up his genius
as he realized it wasn't too late.
He dressed in a flurry
as to indicate the hurry
and... (8/4/03)
America the Beautifart
O beautiful farts stained the skies,
For lumber made of brains,
For purple Muppet maggot fleas
A dove went fruity--GAY!
America! America!
God shaves his balls with thee.
And this other dude
Had a brother who'd
Frenched a seal in the slimy sea! Gross!
O beautiful Ford Pinto fire,
And beans that give dogs gas
And fat kids who eat ding dongs
Until they've got a King Kong ass!
... (7/21/03)
Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping
rose though no alarm was beeping
and made a sandwich of apple cores,
which he chewed between the snores.
Incessantly talking while sleepwalking,
Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis
a regional club pro, who, you know,
was dreaming of sleeping in the snow.
Reginald Humphries was getting comfy
on the cowcatcher of a train
speeding toward the coast of Maine.
(He... (7/7/03)
Learn About Rain
The rain falls wet like
sloppery skittles
from the mouth of a
stupid dog.
The beautiful rain,
it coats the trees
like sex lubricant.
But that's where
the rivers come from.
The rain slides down the trees
like sweat down the crack of your ass
and puddles on the ground
where a child could drown
if it were sleeping or hog-tied
or just plain stupid.
Those puddles slink
across the... (6/23/03)
The Color of My Blade Is Chartreuse
Who can compare
the green of a sunset
to the gray of a ham?
Or the scarlet water that trickles down
very nearly without a sound
as the brown sky spans overhead…
Have truer words been said?
The vivid purple blood
that gushes from a wound
is beautiful on the crimson grass
and the amber skin of an expiring lass.
Striking, like a baboon's blue ass.
When a black sunset burns your... (6/9/03)
Mom
To stand under
the eyes of mom
the judging glare
of mom
To be shivered
by hands of mom
face like raisins
of mom
To be insulted
the tongue of mom
bitter questions
of mom
I have no job
the truth to mom
rent does not care
dear mom
Don't get me wrong
I love dear mom
the constant bitch
dear mom
One of these days I will have a million dollars
one of these days I... (5/26/03)
Party Bus
Vincent Van Gogh
where did you go?
If you'd have just waited for me
I'd have been your buddy.
We could have got sandwiches
and drove around in my van.
That would've been pretty fun,
sorry you missed it man.
Ernest Hemmingway,
you too guy.
I'm sure your shit got heavy
and made you want to write or cry.
But nothing a little Bicardi
couldn't have made go down smoother,
and a... (5/12/03)
Up, Up and Away
Up, up and away
in my beautiful balloon!
Not a sound as I
lift off the ground.
Piss on you suckers
and your ground-standing!
Goddamn there sure are a lot
of birds up here,
and not just cute ones.
I could swear some of these
birds have gonads.
Gross.
Getting kind of dizzy…
probably should have brought
a tank of oxygen or
blew some in a bag or something.
I thought there'd... (4/28/03)
Ray Manatino's Reworked Classics
Whose woods are these,
I think I know.
I think they belong
To that guy named Joe
Who lives down the street
From Peggy and Ray
And set his own pants
On fire one day.
He was sniffing lighter fluid
In the dark
When he lit a match
And his pants caught a spark
That scorched his scrotum
And sizzled his jizz;
That's who owns them.
These woods are his.
Monday's child is a creator of... (4/14/03)
Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah, for charging me this late fee, Blockbuster. The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster. And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube: I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas for trying to sell me bullshit every time I turn around or scratch my ass. The Dripping Testicle of Mosumbanc… oh shit, that one's too good to spoil it. I... (3/31/03)
Alphabet Soup
Monday, March 17, 2003
Anemic anteaters
from Azerbaijan
bounce from brassieres
and bark at batons.
Cold-water codfish cause
cramps in the colon of a
dark-dimpled debutante
named Deborah Dedolin.
East of the egg factory, eyes can enjoy
fat-fingered Francophiles
fasting in festive Flournoy.
"Great!" gabbed the grouse-eating Gregory Gregross.
"How homey, a heart heals in... (3/17/03)
Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey
like the wrath of all
bananas was on your ass
or like you just found out
your Visa card was rejected.
That's right, you ape
with your little hat and jacket
you thought you had it all figured out
not so smug now, are you, Mr. Jitters?
I saw the best mimes of my generation destroyed
by a mulatto with a flame thrower
and a huge man-eating whale with rubber... (3/3/03)
The Walrus Said
The time has come,
the walrus said,
to smoke a box of crack.
Fucking walrus!
Stay out of my drug box,
and you're standing on my sack!
Don't make me cook you
in hot whale oil
for absconding with my stash!
Your constant questions
and oblique riddles
are giving me a rash!
The time has come,
the walrus said,
to eat some more grilled cheese.
Fuck you walrus!
You ate... (2/17/03)
The Truth About Ice Cubes
I've heard ice cubes scream
like unpleasant human beings
when I dunk them into my drink.
I'd say they're alive, don't you think?
Formed in their trays like a nursery,
living their lives brief and cursory,
but is everything quite what it seems?
What do they dream in their cold, frozen dreams?
What could they teach us,
if we were to listen,
mesmerized by the glean of their... (2/3/03)
Frombnabula 7
Orange crush skies crush down upon
Frombnabula 7
and the space crew thereon:
Phinneas Wilbur, the captain of late,
and Gumfrey McDumfrey,
his faithful first mate,
and Rooter, and Bramble,
and John-Boy Perdue
and six other guys
dressed in cobalt blue.
Their orders were simple:
explore and report.
"And don't explode,"
thought John-Boy Perdue with a snort
(he thought... (1/20/03)
Tits are in the Eye of the Beholder
I think that I shall never pass a poem as lovely as an ass or a verse that weighs as heavy as a buck-naked supermodel straddling a Chevy How could course words ever capture the heaven of the classic Maxim issue #7? No match has a poet's mind thought for the work God and boob doctors hath wrought on the chest of some milky-white maiden a blank canvas now silicone-laden How could Wordsworth ... (1/6/03)
Lunch Money
Listen up, Billy Olson
I'm a drink you up like Molson
make you sing like a fat Al Jolson
grab your tits and milk 'em both, son.
'Cause you messed
with the best
I confess
it's no test
I am the real thing
you will know the hurt I bring
forget this skirt, I am the King
of your pudgy white ass
they'll put your cheeks in a cast
for six to eight weeks
and the chicks who hate geeks
will... (12/23/02)
Thug Life
You can take your poetry class
grind it into a meatball
and cram it up your ass
Mr. Costenoble,
you fruity pebble prick.
And Health teacher,
I'm warning you
to mind your own girth
I could out-eat you
since long before birth
I had a twin brother
way back in the womb
"I ain't hoggin' the food tube,
get the hell out my room!"
He ain't around no longer, you want to be next?
... (12/9/02)
Spastic Gastric Function
"Spastic Gastric Function"
is the social event of the year,
bathe your Clydesdales in lite beer...
Homeo-apathy as a viable career?
Flaccid pansies? I'd eat them gladly.
Anteaters play clarinets,
from the trunks of blue corvettes,
the gentlemen have placed their bets.
Take your chances
on pairs of pantses
that look lovely when they're nuzzled
between the ass cheeks of male... (11/25/02)
The Spell of My Love
T is for the time we spend,
each day like a minute going too fast;
H is for the heart I give,
for the love inside I have gladly amassed;
O is for the order,
my life is my own with you in it;
N is for the nurturing,
because you my growth knows no limits;
G is for the giving,
I'll give until all there is is gone;
Together it spells thong,
won't you at least try it on?
... (11/11/02)
TV REPAIR
Fat patterns pulsing in stitches of static erratic and plastic, the spastic display. With a bang and a kick and a "cheap motherfucker!" an emergency side-slapping repair is performed. The picture then jittered and shimmied and quivered then twisted all sideways, the image deformed. With a hearty "hiya!" like the best fake karate pissed off fists of fury rained down on the set. A homemade... (10/28/02)
Claw
A quick
short walk
to the beach
you wear
your blue bikini
blue like
my heart
blue like
my teardrops
and almost I
can see the nipples
your boobs, not
my heart or teardrops
We walk,
hand in hand
and one more hand
like the hand of love
a third-wheel who
won't take a hint
we sit
in sand
sand in my shorts
ass crack!
You complain
it's cold
why must you
ruin everything?
... (10/14/02)
Invent It!
I will invent it!
A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!
A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.
A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste... (9/30/02)
Mrs. The Pope
I'll elope with the Pope
on a Sunday in Spain,
and I hope that the dope
won't pick a day when it rains.
For though the walrus and crow
might find it refreshing,
the sugar-drop people would melt
right through the chairs' meshing.
And the rest of the guests
won't think it so smashing,
the vows we espouse
drown out by their teeth gnashing!
But then I'll be famous! As famous as... (9/16/02)
God Only Nose
A nose is a nose is a nose.
Wouldn't one by any other name smell
just as well?
What the hell.
Call it a hogglebottom
and it still smells the sweets.
Call it a snot locker,
still a nose-shaped hunk o' meat
stapled to your face right where God intended.
Just think if your cheeks were where your face ended!
How strange! How ugly! How inconvenient! How loathe!
Why, if you had to... (9/2/02)
Marmalade and Lace
Marmalade and lace,
I step on your face
as you draw back your bow.
Where's the arrow? I don't know.
These lovers' games without names…
or at least maybe they should be.
"Drunken Pump" robs my dignity,
couldn't we call it "Double Indemnity"?
You Probe me with your Ford
while I hum My Sweet Lord
and your Contours I memorize.
My good name you blasphemise!
We meet in the... (8/19/02)
My New Lifestyle
Monday, August 5, 2002
If I could ever be
as free as a tree,
I'd pee only Brie.
My neighbors would see
the beauty of me.
I'd sing like a duck
and have all the good luck.
I'd dance for a buck
and sleep in a truck
I bought for a buck
and I'd laugh "Nyuk nyuk nyuk."
What a beautiful day!
I almost wish I was gay
and I lived in L.A.
What more can I say?
What a wonderful life... (8/5/02)
State of the Union Jack
Random parables are wearable
surf sluts speak of Sarin gas
like a bubble from Hitler's ass
America's flying at half-mast
Conspirators eat beer and s'mores
while Dutch elves poison naked bears
nobody cares what the emperor wears
as long as he curtsies when he swears
Ugly duckling nipple-suckling
foreigners with blonde toupees
cheering for the Oakland A's
suffering through... (7/22/02)
Your Honor
A little dog choked on a draidel, a ladle, a can of beef stew and a wicker kazoo.
His owner, a loner from Kalamazoo, in a wrath drew a bath that he filled up with glue. The soup of white goop he stirred with an oar and what's more he added the dog and a log and a piece of the floor. He stirred it with vigor and vim and panache, until he was spent and broke out in a rash.
The concoction he... (7/8/02)
Space Pioneers
Life on earth did not much agree
with Rufus McGee
and Magilicutty Sneed.
Two young boys, American as can be:
American as trees, or Apples Dupree.
On summer days they dreamed,
on winter nights they schemed,
lying there on their
flat-slanted backs,
staring up at
the clouds in great number,
shivering and cursing
the humorless cold,
and wishing they hadn't slept through... (6/24/02)
Do Not Disturb
Combustible rustable
grannies come marching
in waves from the caves
with their zinc eyebrows arching,
in tunics with tonics
electric on their lips,
cities of biddies descend on our ships.
"Great Montezuma!"
cried Macbethle Macwire
as the deck pitched to starboard
and the riggings caught fire.
"We'll be beaten and eaten
and forced to buy crafts!
I'll boil the oil while you... (6/10/02)
Dinner Date
Swizzle-stick me in a jar,
mastodons in foreign cars.
Oh what lovely
buggering bubbly
sex shows on starships tonight!
Chew up those rancid tulips
like I know you want to, Stone Phillips.
Belching out butterflies,
watching them flutter by,
gastric delights hued in blue.
Don't be so dumb,
dressed up and down in that bubblegum.
Don't you know you're the queen?
Practical... (5/27/02)
Drink a Toast to the Liver
Consider once
The lonely liver
Liver of a life deemed lower
By those organs hip and trendy
Who might be smaller or more bendy
Consider twice
The noble liver
Throbbing like a might river
Toiling in the depths and murky
When we drink too much Wild Turkey
Consider thrice
The liver proper
Filtering out those vodka poppers
The Benzadrine, horse tranquilizers
Of all the organs, you're... (5/13/02)
The Rickles
The Rickles like tickles
and pickles and pee.
The Zicklers are sticklers
for conformity.
The Mounces eat rayguns,
the Olaffs smoke brie,
Where did they all come from?
Beats the crap out of me.
I once wed a Shloopa
'neath the Caspian moon,
He wooed me with riddles
and Caspian tunes,
His body was tattooed with Caspian runes,
He would have been perfect, 'cept he came too soon.
An... (4/29/02)
Midnight Snack
All the summer dumplings want to eat me alive,
I get a hostile greeting even before I arrive!
Oh me oh my, I've pissed off the pie!
What an unfortunate fate!
Why'd I have to delve into the custard so late?
Now my gentle dreamland has been turned all amiss,
Not a single baby here to give me a kiss!
No hills made of quilts, no drummers on stilts,
My dreamscape has gone all wrong!
Goodbye... (4/15/02)
Naomi, I Moan
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa --
"Sex at noon taxes."
Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live,
Pull up if I pull up!
Dammit, I'm mad!
Dennis and Edna sinned!
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
Don't nod,
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver --
Lived on Decaf, faced no Devil --
Murder for a jar of red rum.
Red rum, sir,... (4/1/02)
Bummer
Silent ducks are deafening
Kansas in the crapper
Can you burn an effigy
While plugging in the clapper?
Loneliness is like a shoe
Or maybe like a beaver
Kind of wish that waitress chick
Had chose me over Stever.
People stand and look at me,
Their eye-holes full of eyes
Maybe they're the ones like beavers
Digging for a prize.
Emptiness is like a boat
Full of lots of nothing
Go... (3/18/02)
Have You Ever Loved?
Have you ever loved
like the whistling wind
of a barn swallow's nostril-hole?
Have you ever lived
like a merchant prince
on quiche and curry dumplings?
I think not.
Have you ever stared
into the face of time
like a fearless mutant hunchback
with a huge sword and a locket around his
neck that contains a picture of a tulip?
Ha, I find it truly unlikely.
Have you ever sung
the song... (3/4/02)
Elephant Wings
An elephant is a beast
With tiny wings, to say the least.
By tiny wings, I mean so small
Some would say
elephants have none at all.
Nor would they claim
that it's mouth hangs
All menacing with silver fangs.
And few would say
That elephants float.
And some would claim
It's 'cause they don't.
But who can know an elephant,
All mysterious and stealthy?
And who's to say they don't... (2/18/02)
The Land and the Sea
The land is in love
with the sea, you see?
And drinks it in
nightly and day (time).
When the land it breathes in,
The ocean runs to him,
And when he exhales
The sea runs away.
His doctor says "Ocean!
You stop this at once!
Your sodium intake is absurd!
Have you tried switching to rainwater once,
Mixed with the occasional bird?
Be sensible man, you can't keep this up!
Your blood... (2/4/02)
When I Was Nine
When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.
When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.
When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to... (1/21/02)
Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream
I once had
about a dream that I had once before
The one where the fish flip and follow
each other
diving deep in the dark down below
The one where I'm swimming
safe and secure
sailing a salt-silent sea
The one where I'm dreaming I'm
dreaming I'm dreaming
and three times I can't wake up
The one where the waves wash
the walls all around me
or... (1/7/02)
Sunflake
Oh, to be a phantom sunflake resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile. An elf's aorta, a unicorn's anus— none could be as sweet. As to be a lonely sunflake munching on a leek. Rainbows tease me, ogres please me, dragons wax my car. But to be a perfect sunflake would take the cake by far. When the grass is green like acid-washed jeans and the faeries are... (12/24/01)
The Visitors
Snooty bugle-playing burglars Why do you bother me? Go to hell, you naked buglers Cease your melody. Who invited uncooked hamhocks All these pigs I see? Go away, freeloading pork pies Get out my Christmas tree. Get out Santa, get out Elvis Get out Sandra Dee. I don't recall inviting anyone To share my ginger tea. Mister Walrus, Miss November Tell me did you see A sign hung from my door that... (12/10/01)
Distraction
Fifteen phantom penpoints
All under my control
I move them deftly, swiftly smearing
ink upon a single slice of paper.
Sixteen sweatered titties
Distracting me so simply
from my fifteen phantom penpoints
Nothing worthwhile written, once... (11/26/01)
Shuns
Who has been flushing your worldly possessions?
Replacing your wardrobe with out-of-date fashions?
Making your schnauzer do Nixon impressions?
Squeezing your neighbors for seedy confessions?
Coating your lips with pre-cancerious lesions?
Showing you slides of infected abrasions?
Accusing your mother of being a Russian?
Filling your mind with intemperate passions?
Splitting your food into... (11/12/01)
The Waistland
April be the month that's meaner
Than a shot of carburetor cleaner
Or an icy, uncooked wiener
Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore".
"Ain't my lookout," said the genie,
in a voice so tiny, teeny
Ned thought it a baby, beanie
And burned down the store just to be safe.
The chair he sat in, folded nicely
But his bits were getting icy
There ice fishing by the Diner
Should have brought his... (10/29/01)
The Crab
"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest,"
said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest;
I told him that I didn't think it was funny.
"Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?"
he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck
my cock, because he's not getting my money.
At these words he paused, and dabbed at the blood
which flowed from his nose in an unfettered flood;
a honey bear... (10/15/01)
Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my heart. But you and I, we shall not speak of that tonight. You and I are four hundred miles apart tonight. While you, you are safe behind your locked... (10/1/01)
in DAD'S basement
at night A lone i watch HAPPY DAYS whilst sleeping lies dad turn it DOWN says dad and bangs upon the floor sometimes i wish i was the FONZ make believe dad was mr. C he would give fatherly advice instead of calling me shithead i would bring home CHICKS with all their teeth and dad would not fart and laugh ho ho ho ho today did you look for a job? no, dad no no no i'm finding myself you will... (9/17/01)
Hairy Walnuts
I fed my cat some hairy walnuts
My poor kitty doesn't like hairy walnuts
I forced the cat to eat those nuts
and then I watched him puke them up
He ran away when he was done
and hasn't come back yet
I don't think he ever will
that stupid cat
I never liked him anyway
He made me sneeze and he made my eyes itch
I used to buy the most expensive food
By the time he left I was down to buying... (7/16/01)
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Quote of the Day“Yes, madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly and in the morning I shall still be drunk! Wait a minute… Okay, I've got a match for you: your butt and my face. TouchĂ©.”
-Quentin HillchurchFortune 500 CookieHappiness is indeed a warm gun, but you're not supposed to warm it in your ass like that. If your life is lacking direction this week, we've got one word for you: North. As you have long suspected, recreational drugs are the answer. This week's lucky charms: taupe meatballs, turquoise speculums, puce gallstones, gold bullets.
Try again later.Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations| 1. | Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet | | 2. | Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it | | 3. | Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert | | 4. | Dosed with Nyquil—during daylight hours! | | 5. | Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees | | 6. | Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts | | 7. | Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children | | 8. | Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari" | | 9. | Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment | | 10. | Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy" | |
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