|   Wears the Beef
Hot damn said the devil, it's time for another ass-puckeringly sweet edition of Reflections of a Goocher! I'm your host, Stu Umbrage, and that guy walking by the window has nothing whatsoever to do with this column, ignore him completely. Our... (5/14/07)
Gwar of the Worlds
Thank your lucky stars you're alive to witness another episode of Reflections of a Goocher, with your host, Stu "the Dew" Umbrage. The part of Stu will be played this week by Lil' Abner.
SU: Thanks for joining us, folks. Those of you... (7/11/05)
If God Had a Lawn, It Would Be Nice Like This
True, I got fired from my job. I prefer to think I moved on to bigger and better things, and just didn't tell them about it, continuing to use my desk and other facilities for a higher purpose than ameliorating cost-volume reports. They may not have... (5/23/05)
Flies Without a Face
Slow week here, my boss is still out recovering from a belch so violent he had to change his pants afterwards. I'm no doctor, but I think that means you've been eating too much red meat. Hey, I should have that printed up on a shirt. "I'm no doctor,... (4/4/05)
Barf Like You Mean It
Did I mention I had to break down and get a job? Yeah, turns out the New Mexican tit isn't as milky as I had assumed and they actually expect me to drag my own load here. What a bummer. But the upshot is that I'm not entirely sure what it is I do at... (11/1/04)
I Was Born to Love This Song
"You down wit OCD?"
"Hold on, I'm washing my hands!"
Ah yes, here we find ourselves again, another day, another Dolf Lundgren. I sit here, striking a dashing pose, young restaurateur (that means brave, right?) with a devil-may-care grimace and... (10/4/04)
To-Do List
1. Start smoking, then quit, then brag about it.
I bet it's not that hard, if you set your mind to it. And you were only doing it to be a dick in the first place.
2. Finally tell that cheesedick from Time Warner that I can't afford... (8/9/04)
Something Wicker This Way Comes
Hey folks, and welcome back for another episode of Reflections of a Goocher, taped live before a recently-alive studio audience. We're here talking to celebrity housewife Susan Lutwidge, this year's recipient of the Lutwidge Family Prize for... (6/14/04)
New Mexico Sucks
I'm not kidding, what a shithole. You think they'd post a sign at the state line or something, letting everybody know they're wasting their time even coming inside. I should be able to sue New Mexico for false advertising since they call it a state... (5/3/04)
A Brief Survey
Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of... (3/29/04)
le bottom eyes
Truth be told, I've never had any sexual dreams of any kind involving Prince. I know that's kind of surprising, since you assume most people have, but not me. Not that I think I'm above it or anything, or like I'd freak out and join the Marines or... (3/17/03)
Farewell My Concubines
Well, I've officially drank enough eggnog to kill a goat, resulting last night in a terrifying vision of Christmas Future. Either that or I was at a U2 concert. Any way you slice it, I'm running out after work to buy the biggest chicken I can find... (12/23/02)
One Household Please, and Hold the Kids
Christmas is just around the corner, and that can only mean one thing in the Umbrage household: wait a minute, do I even have a household? Does one guy living in a studio apartment with a picture of a potted plant count these days? Usually it seems... (12/9/02)
Conversations Vol. 2
I've never seen a dog smile.
Maybe dogs don't like you.
What's not to like?
It's not a dilemma for me; I don't like any kind of snot.
I never got my dilemma. For High School.
Diploma.
God Bless You.
You weren't able to finish... (11/25/02)
Angry Like a Eunuch's Long-Gone Balls
Sorry, pardon the bad attitude, but I'm fresh out of condoms. What really pisses me off is that it probably won't make a difference. Think about it for a minute, if running out of rubbers is going to change your day at all and you'll probably get... (11/11/02)
The Myth of American Constipation
Jesus. It's as cold as Hillary Clinton's snatch out there. I know this happens every year, but Good God. Does it really? Like this?
Knock on wood and hopefully I'm not screwing myself here, but is constipation really the big national... (10/28/02)
The Dating Game: Ages 10 and Up
There's just no way you can help what happened with the women in the end. I mean, when you think about it, once we started demanding that everybody should look like ten year-old girls with abnormally accelerated breast development, it was only a... (10/14/02)
Spare Me the Summer Love
According to the free calendar I got with my last tank of gas, October is Get to Know a Bug Month. Who knew? Personally, I think you should take this as your invitation to crack open a weevil and see what the juicy little bugger has got going... (9/30/02)
Chug a Lung
I've had it, that's the last straw hat I'll ever wear.
It's not like it would break the bank for them to put some kind of cheap, flame-retardant coating on these things. A small price to pay to save some serious embarrassment at tiki-torch... (9/16/02)
Lube the Tuber
I've got the word "cambria" stuck in my head for some reason. No idea what it means. Some sort of strange deja-vu like when you think you should recognize a name and then two weeks later it turns out that was the guy you shot accidentally while... (9/2/02)
Herman's Hermits: Your Dad's Got Crabs, Eddie
What kind of noise does your brain make when you think? A hum? A whir? I've come to believe that mine's more of a rattle and frankly, this week that's got me concerned.
What could be rattling around up there? Loose juices? Snot? Who can say? For... (8/19/02)
Crapping Out Like a Vegas Fat Man
The summertime is the number one time for partaking in America's favorite pastime: collecting mosquito larvae in the wild and using it to make homemade jam and preserves. With us today are two people who should need no introduction, mosquito... (8/5/02)
If Pigs Could Fly I'd Wear a Tin Sombrero
Hey commune folk. Stu here.
Thanks to a little bird who gave me the word I'm now officially up to speed on the whole situation. The Cubans, the whole acid rain deal, and the clandestine adventures of your friend and mine, Senior Swashbuckle. Some... (7/22/02)
Riboflavin Sounds Like a Brand of Edible Condoms
Hey, shit on me, I got a virtual postcard! I haven't had one of these since the time the IRS sent me that nice animated GIF of a cute little thug breaking my thumbs. And, if you'd believe it, this is even nicer. Though I do miss that little midi... (7/8/02)
Yours Truly For Four Easy Payments of $39.95
First off, do you know the names of those damn Umpa Lumpas who released their wreath on me? I think I might have winged one of them with an empty whiskey bottle, but those buggers do scurry off rather fast. Really, I just want to give the thing... (6/24/02)
Bouncing My Thoughts to You Off the Shimmering Moon
Back in my school days I was of truest retro nature, riding a camel to school in a day when all the kids rode dromedaries, or at least Malibus. Can you pluralize Malibu? Sounds like a sickly French school bus to me.
Bas Lurman or no Bas Lurman... (6/10/02)
A Brief Survey
Yes. I'm calling from American Home Prospectors and I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. We'd like you to take a little test for us, as we're attempting to gauge the general public's knowledge on the subject of various flavors of... (5/27/02)
JESUS: Son of God or Animated Talking Dog? Today's Discussion
Grape. Fuckin'. Nuts.
That's what my mornings are reduced to these days, ladies and gentlemen. A bowl full of rock-hard gravel that's supposed to help me live to 120. Have you ever even seen a 120 year-old? Sweet Bubble-Yum Jesus, I saw a guy... (5/13/02)
Ninety Seconds in Hell
How was your day? Eh. Half and half. Half milk and half cream? Nope, more like Heroin and Alf. Like Jerry Stahl? I said Heroin and Alf. Never mind. What's that you're drinking? A can of orange juice. I didn't see you shake that. That's... (4/29/02)
Just the Fags, Ma'am
Stop! Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with a brand new edition.
That's what I hear anyway. I wonder what it could be about? Hopefully it's more fun than that lame one where he says he's got phatter rhymes than the New York Times. Sheesh.... (4/15/02)
Swimming in a Lake of Lungs
There are three tricks you never want to teach a dog, and one of them is to explode. I'll let that sink in before I get to the other two.
Here's a question for all you full-fledged (have you ever seen someone half-fledged? I'm telling you, make... (4/1/02)
Camp with Me, Only Separately
Good is the news and the news is good (as they say in the Philistines), I've got Friday off. That's right, all it took was a ball gag and three tubes of astroglide, and Joe Friday was crowing like a rooster. I- yeeeeeeeich- Uhm, yeah. So the camping... (3/18/02)
Welcome to the Machine
What's shakin', Kevin Bacon?
Things are okay here. I'm still adjusting to living in New York and especially working at the commune. It's a perplexing place. I’ve been here a few weeks already and so far the only person who's spoken to me is... (3/4/02)
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Quote of the Day“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our capacity for customer service. Yes I'll hold.”
-Elvin EinschwartzFortune 500 CookieYou will find Love in a new job this week. Unfortunately it's Courtney Love, and she's your second-shift supervisor. Cheer up, it's not that nobody cares about you; it's just that nobody's willing to admit to it. Everyone's right: Your irrational hatred of the Chinese is starting to hurt your chopstick business. This week's lucky stars: Sirius, Orion, Omega 13, Pauley Shore.
Try again later.Top Comics Not in Film Development| 1. | Feldspar the Neurotic Ghost | | 2. | Chest-Exercise Men | | 3. | Rats with Tats | | 4. | The Cuddler | | 5. | Vegan Crime Discouragers | |
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