|   Not Famous Anymore
I have some really shocking news for you, folks: I'm no longer famous. Yeah, took me by surprise, too. But you know what? This is going to sound totally out of left field, so un-Clarissa Coleman you'll think I've been replaced by a pod, but…... (12/12/05)
In Cognito
Have you ever seen Tom Cruise slying around town, trying not to be recognized? Well, if you live in one of the piss-poor excuses for a town that aren't Los Angeles or New York City, it's not likely you have. But if you do live in the regular world I... (10/24/05)
Life Among the Proles
My first month of retirement has been a rough one. Since I'm all out of acting jobs, I've had to go looking for a new source of steady income. I mean, I still get my commune pay, but that's about as steady as the San Franciscan fault lines. And... (9/19/05)
The End of an Error
I'm officially announcing my retirement. No joke, you didn't read wrong. I'm giving up on acting once and for all. I'm done with it. Kaput. Out. If you can't see me, I'm making the signal of "safe at home" like an umpire does, because it also... (8/29/05)
Second Drafted
I have started the next phase of my writing career: The Second Draft.
That means I finished the script, wrote it all the way through, and now someone has to rewrite it. Don't worry for me, it's not going to be me who rewrites it. I just had to... (7/4/05)
Top 29
As if I needed another kick in the teeth right now… VH-1 does their top whatever list of all the child stars and I don't even make the top 10.
I was as excited as a dude getting a birthday hummer when I saw the news headlines, "VH-1... (6/13/05)
Be a Child Star This Summer
I've got to admit something: Sometimes, in the past, for the sake of my career, I've done stuff that didn't exactly make me feel like a big-time actress. I told this to my shrink once (whoops, 'nother secret out of the bag) and she said, "You mean... (5/23/05)
Still Working
Just when I was about to hold out for more money on my show, Ho's!, they decide to cut back on my role. No joke—me! Clarissa Coleman!
The producers called me into a meeting, didn't even pay for lunch or meet me at Denny's for dinner,... (5/2/05)
Plot Points
Okay, I've been accused by my screenwriting teacher of writing movie scripts without plots. This would be forgivable if I could work in some major special effects, or maybe the illusion of a really complicated plot (what they call "Matrixism" now in... (4/11/05)
Bumped Again!
I had planned on letting you all know how my screenplay efforts are going, but I've decided to put that aside, because something is really chapping my ass lately.
Okay, real quick—the screenplay is going fabs. The class with Nancy Melville is... (3/21/05)
The Writing One, Baby
I'm learning all kinds of shit you can't even imagine. This is the kind of stuff you don't learn in school, folks. It's screenwriting school.
The last time I talked to you I told you about trying to write a screenplay, right? And how it was... (3/7/05)
Hiatus Ate Us
We wrapped up production on "Ho's!" two weeks ago, so you can imagine it's great to have free time again, after four months of solid work, and years of unemployment before that. You get used to a certain amount of laidback time.
You might wonder... (2/7/05)
Ho's Up
Did you see it? Did you see? True 'dat, I made it to the top once again. My show aired last week in the WB's prime Saturday night line-up. It was pre-empted in some areas by tornado warnings or an old movie, but most of the nation got to see the... (1/17/05)
What's a Cornhole?
I have a question for my loyal readers, or even the disloyal ones, anyone who traipses over the column on their way to reading Entertainment Police or Pickle Barrel or maybe some guys stumble on the page by accident thinking commune is French for... (1/3/05)
Roasting Pockets O'Shannon
I've got "hot property" written all over me at the moment, and I know what you're thinking, but I'm not talking about a drunken trip to the tattoo parlor this time. I mean, I've still got "hot property" from that, but this time I'm talking Hollywood... (11/29/04)
Ho's Job
I've been wicked lucky lately. Sorry if the column hasn't been regular enough for you, Child Star fans, but I've been working—the big "W." It does start with a W, right, it's not like a silent P? Those fucking French can really mess up the English... (10/4/04)
Help Me Get a DVD Box Set
Did you know ALF is coming out on DVD? No kidding, ALF, the show with the puppet doing vaudeville. I hated that stupid show, and not just because they wouldn't hire me to play the title character. But they're not the only one.... (8/23/04)
Child Star for Hire
Let the word come down from the Mountaintops, which is Red Bagel's nickname for the commune offices: Clarissa Coleman needs work. Sure, anyone who knows me knows I want work, but now I need work. My legal troubles are finished now, you may... (7/12/04)
And Justice for Nothing
That Jerry Nascar is a dangerous motherfucker. Dangerous as in smart. And, he plays with fireworks and only has a total of seven fingers. But I wasn't talking about that at all—I just mean he's smart.
My trial started three weeks ago, the... (5/31/04)
Ransom, Lose Some
My sympathy goes out to the girl who tried to fake her kidnapping last week—hey, I've been there, sister. Whether you're just trying to get attention or making a serious bid for money, it doesn't matter, they always catch you. All these successful... (4/5/04)
Let the Buyer Beware
Here's the facts, folks: I did not, nor have I ever tried the Waffle Messiah.
Any implication that I did try the Waffle Messiah, or in any way endorsed the Waffle Messiah or purchase of that kitchen appliance, was unintended.
I did not at... (3/22/04)
Living on Borrowed Dime
Guilt is a pretty super thing. Fortune has taken an upturn since the last column. Actually, it took a swift downturn, plummeted into a crash, then whatever remained took an upturn. Which is usually how things go in my life. But it all started with... (3/8/04)
Swish Side Story
I'm doing the audition circuit out in Hollywood big time these days, so it wouldn't surprise me to come home and find the apartment a little dusty. Mom always found cleaning to be in defiance of her religion, and dad thinks dusting demeans his... (2/9/04)
Fired!
I'm more pissed off than a liberal watching Fox. Believe it or not, I've been fired. Yeah, fired—me! What an insult.
It wasn't the commune, if you've been wondering. I'm still employed here, though I'm commuting back and forth between the... (1/12/04)
Come on, I Told Them, Ba-Rump Ba Bump Bum
It's the holiday time here at Child Star headquarters, and that always means one thing: I'm fucked.
Yep, our annual tradition of me being fucked is steady and true on this end. It turns out they lost the house, mom and dad. I kept telling them... (12/22/03)
Enter the Shopper
I know officially I'm not entitled to any veteran's pay or anything, but I think I deserve it after last weekend. The post-Thanksgiving Day weekend. The Vietnam of weekends. And where's my parade?
Okay, maybe it's the Korean War of weekends, and... (12/8/03)
Libel Maker
Hold onto your asses, 'cause this is craziness in peak: I'm being sued.
Right, me. I thought as a legal requirement to be sued you have to have money. Apparently something has changed in the Constitution. Let this be a lesson to everyone, you... (11/24/03)
The Bad Luck Club
I have a legal question, and can't get my sister on the phone lately, so I ask you: If you shoot your dad in your own home, is it legal? I know it applies if you shoot a burglar, or if you tie him up and torture him and saw his legs off. If it's... (11/10/03)
A Usurper to the Throne
I'm madder than a skunk who smells like flowers. 'Cause they usually smell like ass, is what I mean.
I just found out there's a usurper to my crown. That's how my sister, Cassandra, phrased it, and it seemed to fit pretty well. Really Branaghian... (10/27/03)
Oops, I Did a Hardcore Porno Again
Okay, so it turns out that movie I did over the summer was a hardcore porno. Who knew? Just goes to show you, I guess.
I probably never would have even found out if it weren't for my dad watching it in the living room while mom was hosting her... (10/13/03)
Video Games Killed the Child Star
I can't wait to be a video game. Didn't you hear already? I know most of you, I heard "web-literate" is the nice way to say it, are all about video games. So I figure most of you know. In case you didn't, I'm on my way to being a video game! ... (9/29/03)
Killer Coleman
Before you hear it from anyone else, I killed like six cats this week. Three of them I hit all at once, but still, that's pretty unusual.
I didn't kill any of them on purpose, but try convincing everyone else of that. I can't really blame... (9/15/03)
Crammed in the Closet
So it turns out my sister's gay. Quite a big bomb-dropping, for a regular family, I guess. If you ask me it's just a ninth-inning attempt to reinvent herself like a third-rate Madonna, or a 1970s David Bowie. Anything to liven up her boring life and... (9/1/03)
The Good Books
Did you know not all books are bad? Yep, in case you thought that was a misprint, I confirm. Clarissa Coleman has found books that aren't half bad. Comic books! Now, I know what you're thinking, but comic books aren't for kids anymore. They're way... (8/18/03)
Change for a Single
People are always trying to set me up. And I'm not just talking about all the backstabbers planting evidence or hiding their plastic baggies in my pockets when the cops show up. I speak of the dating life.
It's like I literally have some huge... (8/4/03)
Sci-Fi Star is Rising
You wouldn't believe how nuts this summer has been so far. I spend the entire year basically on vacation, mostly workless besides this periodic column and the part in the UPN show that went nowhere, now the entire summer it's like I'm Gwyneth... (7/21/03)
Cassandra Coleman is a Big Sci-Fi Nerd
To all those who have ever made fun of me, I have one thing to say: Eat a rotten cow out. For everyone who said or insinuated or made some kind of rude hand gesture suggesting my sister was more talented or smarter or cooler than I was in any case,... (7/7/03)
One Busy Summer
In the world of show business, things go from boring to frenetic overnight. This also applies to my life as of recent. One minute I'm volunteering at soup kitchens just to get out of the house, then my phone is ringing with work and so on. Which is... (6/23/03)
Too Close for Comfort
Things better change quick around the Coleman house or there's going to be a homicide or two. I'm throwing down the gauntlet by this weekend, someone and all their friends and family have to get out or I'm calling the cops. Not me, of course, I'm... (6/9/03)
The Doctor is Out
I don't like my doctor. He laughs too much when I describe my symptoms and plus he smells Greek. Also I don't think the prick knows what he's doing. You tell me how you're supposed to get a yeast infection when you don't even cook.
My main... (5/26/03)
Hot Commercial Property
Never let it be said Clarissa Coleman lets a defeat get to her, 'cause I'll kick the guy who says it in the balls.
Case in point, the disappointing showing of my new UPN sitcom Archipelago Law. I had a shot at the big small time, the 6th... (5/12/03)
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
I hope everybody enjoyed the premiere of Archipelago Law on Thursday. It was the culmination of this year's work for me, as well as a promising new moment in television. What's that? You didn't see it? You didn't even know it was on? No shit.... (4/28/03)
Fight the Power
So apparently there's a war of some sort going on. I mean, I knew about it, just like in high school. I knew it was going on, even if I couldn't tell you where it is or who all is involved. Who knew it was going to affect me at any point in time?
... (4/14/03)
Dad on the Run
So it's no surprise, everybody's been talking about the same thing for two weeks now: My dad broke out of jail. It's high time I gave everybody the facts to stop these vicious rumors.
Okay, for one, yes, he broke out, but my mom had already... (3/31/03)
Papa Was a Violent Stone-Thrower
My parents are having a trial separation right now. I think that's the word—what's it called when your dad wallops your mom in the head with a brick and they lock him up? That's what's going on anyhow. It's nothing new for the Coleman clan, but I... (3/17/03)
Flying High with the Pilot
Well, we finished shooting the pilot for Archipelago Law, and on risk of ruining the surprise for everyone, the show's good.
It was a pretty tough shoot, since we filmed on location on an uncharted desert isle, but we managed to get all... (3/3/03)
Sister, Can You Spare a Dime?
So I needed some start-up capital, right? Since they shut my lights off and won't start them back up until they get a check.
I thought about going to my parents, then I remembered they have no money and would make me do chores or something for it... (2/17/03)
I Have a Lazy E-Mailman
Anyone who knows anything about me (kids with book reports: attention) knows I have two mortal enemies: Lindsay Wagner and computers. Of course, one is a dumb electronic appliance and my fear and hatred is just an irrational phobia; and then there's... (2/3/03)
The Big Clarissa Coleman Comeback
Oh, jiminy! Thanks for whatever good thoughts you sent me, folks! And if you didn't, I wish you all a long burning eternity in hell. Somebody must have been on my side because I got the part! Yippie! Perhaps you couldn't read it in this small,... (1/20/03)
The Audition
Wish me luck, keep your fingers crossed, and break both your legs. Clarissa Coleman is all lined up for a big audition.
I don't usually tell you about auditions, I know. I like to keep some secrecy, some little things private to myself. That and... (1/6/03)
I Want to Be a Cartoon
I was really enjoying that new Adam Sandler movie until someone told me it was a cartoon. Maybe it's my lousy depth perception, but I couldn't tell. He had all the usual facial range, I just thought they air-brushed him in the film or something. But... (12/9/02)
The Net Lacks Fake Nude Clarissa Coleman Pics
I've not had any luck finding much information about myself online. Ever since www.heresyourdaddy.com went defunct and website operator kittyfan became unreachable, the web has become a very barren place for Clarissa Coleman information. Sure, I can... (11/25/02)
Giving Celebrity Shoplifters a Bad Name
Monday, November 11, 2002 It's the way the stupid world works that the many are always being made to pay for the fuck-ups of the few. Like back when that dildo Jesus ate the apple and created Original Sin, that Angelina Jolie movie where she looks... (11/11/02)
My Sims Still Feel Leashed
What a load of misrepresentation. I hate to say this, it makes me sound like I've grown cynical in my slightly older young age, but I think advertising is getting deceptive.
Don't worry, I'm not the kind to lobby charges without producing some... (10/28/02)
Clarissa Coleman Re-Invented
I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but it's high time I did some inventing—re-inventing! That's right, I'm inventing what's previously been invented already. In short, myself. You will soon meet the new Clarissa Coleman, and I hope... (10/14/02)
No Credit Card for Clarissa
In all ladylike honesty, this is bullshit! I had a hit TV show, I've done some pretty notable movies like Return to Skank Mountain, and my pictures as a kid look so much like Little Debbie they officially have to pay me royalties. Why the hell can't... (9/30/02)
I've Been Scammed, Pulp Fiction-Style
Call the police, the Better Business Bureau, a lawyer—call somebody because I've just been scammed big-time, folks.
Scholars of the Coleman Dynasty may know that my favorite movie is Pulp Fiction, I've mentioned as much in a recent article in... (9/16/02)
I've Just Done My First DVD Commentary
I return from a pretty fun weekend here, folks. The Divine Miss C has just finished her very first DVD commentary, and I can say without fear of contradiction (unless one of you dildos has actually done a DVD commentary for a film you've been in,... (9/2/02)
The Child Star Collector's Guide
I'm a ravenous collector myself—be it shoes, dresses, slacks, blouses, socks, or jewelry, if you can wear it and it impresses people, I can collect it. But it's not just limited to normal collectible items. I also collect strange and fun items... (8/19/02)
Wearning to Pway Guitah
So Conan O'Brien's people have yet to call me back. As you might know, or will by the end of completing this sentence, I used to have a sweet gig on that show doing a "walk on." Conan's gang thought it was hilarious when I came on and ate corn... (8/5/02)
I Return Wiser from the Sci-Fi Convention
At times I realize how immature I have been in the past. These times are also in the past, having already occurred, but usually in the more recent past. The past weekend was one of these instances.
When I was 19 and hungry for work, not to... (7/22/02)
I'm Through Trying to Invent New Drugs
Drug lords of the world can rest easier now, Clarissa Coleman is out of the narcotics business once and for all.
Before the feds jump on my gullet they should know I didn't really mess with anything illegal. Coca plants or whatever they call... (7/8/02)
I Don't Understand America's Love Affair with Books
I don't watch Oprah's show anymore, for quite a while now, ever since she replaced her hookers and lesbians with books. What's the deal there? One day the show is about giving women a forum to curse out they baby's daddy and the next day it's like a... (6/24/02)
Another Kidnapping Botched
It never fails, I tell you. The last good kidnapping was the Patty Hearst case. Kidnappers so damn good at it they convinced her to join up with them. That Symbionese Liberation Army made it cool to kidnap. Ever since then it's been all downhill.... (6/10/02)
What's A Cornhole?
I have a question for my loyal readers, or even the disloyal ones, anyone who traipses over the column on their way to reading Entertainment Police or Pickle Barrel or maybe some guys stumble on the page by accident thinking commune is French for... (5/27/02)
Lindsay Wagner Wants Me Dead
Before you say I'm paranoid, or a skank, like some have said before, hear me out. It's a crazy story, but it's true. Scarily true. Lindsay Wagner is trying to kill me.
That's right, the Bionic Woman herself. If you think I'm delusional you've... (5/13/02)
ome, Come to Jamaica!
I've got to say, I've always laughed at those commercials urging me to "Come, Come to Jamaica." For one, it's stupid to say "come" twice—I'm not a dog, I get it, you want me to come there. Forget it. You said it twice like I'm some sort of dog or... (4/29/02)
Let the Buyer Beware
Here's the facts, folks: I did not, nor have I ever tried the Waffle Messiah.
Any implication that I did try the Waffle Messiah, or in any way endorsed the Waffle Messiah or purchase of that kitchen appliance, was unintended.
I did not at any... (4/15/02)
Queen of the Doomed Relationship
The showbiz life can wreak havoc on your love life. Havoc? A "c," no "k"? That never looks right. But it's true. Havoc or havock.
Having the necessary charisma and magnetism to make it big in the entertainment world is no guarantee you'll be... (4/1/02)
The "M" Stands for Music!
Loyal followers of All Things Coleman know my middle initial is M. Those of you who keep details anally (and I don't mean that literally, disgusting thought) think that stands for Mershowitz. Nope! The "M" stands for music! Legally, too, I had it... (3/18/02)
I've Had Plenty of Inappropriate Relationships
You remember back when that hillbilly president was accused of poking the office help? In the end he never admitted he got his jolly roger vacuum-cleaned, but he did admit to an "inappropriate relationship" with the lady. That's classy, man. Never... (3/4/02)
Welcome to My Nightmare
I've had more than my share of ups and downs in my twenty-four years on this planet. After the life I've led, I'm sure you can imagine how happy I was to get a regular gig writing for a well-known respected news source. Then those dildos at... (2/18/02)
Home for the Horrordays
Dorothy said there's no place like home, but I would say that wartime Yugoslavia can't be all that different. No, dudes, I'm not a homebody. My thoughts don't turn to charming holiday gatherings around the fire with the ones I love since it usually... (2/12/02)
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Quote of the Day“My love is like a red, red wiiiine… go to my heaaaad… make me forgeeet… Wait. Sorry. My love is like a red, red rose… just like eeeeevery night has its daaaaaw- awawaaaan… Just like eeeevery cooowboy… Fuck.”
-A.D.DobbsFortune 500 CookieClowns don't hate you, they just feel sorry for you. Your "Don't Worry, Be Slappy" series of self-help books finally broke the five-copy sales barrier this week, and just got you sued by the estate of Slappy White. This week's lucky strikes: Clover-Workers' Union, ump didn't see ball careen off batter's jock and through strike zone, killed them all while they were dreaming about killing you, threw your ex-wife's severed head down lane on accident.
Try again later.Top Auto Crash Excuses| 1. | Distracted by Butt-Rock | | 2. | Cell Phone Tainted Brain Meat | | 3. | Marbles on Road | | 4. | AC Apparently Doesn't Mean "Autopilot Car" | | 5. | Friggin' Daihatsu | |
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