|   Series 17
Well, Prince, I'm not going to say those aren't fine assless chaps but when I said my wedding was formal by that I specifically meant your ass shouldn't be showing. (8/18/11)
Series 16
It was a wet and bitchy night; the rain fell down and threw a fit on the sidewalk, like a spoiled toddler, and the lions horked up horrific torrents, except at occasional truck stops where they stocked Pepto. (5/1/07)
Series 15
It was a bright cold day in case you were wondering, and the clocks were striking again. It was always such a pain when the clocks went on strike. No one knew what time it was. The hippies found it liberating, but that's hippies for you. (6/30/06)
Series 14
We hold these joysticks here, now you take one, hold it like this, to be funny. They don't do anything to operate the car. One thing driving will teach you is, of course, that all men are cowards when you aim the light gun from a Nintendo at them on the freeway. (12/18/05)
Series 13
It was the best of James Best, it was the Dukes of Hazzard, check your local listings for times, it was cracker-barrel wisdom, it was the age of the inbred, it was the epoch of ... epoch... shit, I know what that means... it's a kind of cheese or something? (1/6/05)
Series 12
It is a way I have of driving off the very men who might love me, or might just want my skin to make a couch, which it really does beautifully and is good for decor, and regulating the color balance of the room. An insane interior decorator told me that once. (6/28/04)
Series 11
"That was a good first day," God said to no one in particular, for He was the only being that existed at that time. And so, He did rest. (6/1/03)
Series 10
Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the first season of the popular television show "Podium? I Hardly Know Him!", quit the show after the producers refused to change the title. (2/3/03)
Series 9
Jesus will rise up and live out the true meaning of grape juice: "We hold these knuckleknobs to be cheesily obvious: that all men are patented." (8/17/02)
Series 8
Four plus seventeen is twenty-one and seven plus twelve is nineteen. Now that I've astounded you with my mathematical prowess, my dear, let's move on. (2/8/02)
Series 7
South Yonkers, NY, a quaint little suburb with tree-lined streets and the cutest little duplexes you ever did se-AKK! He's eating my toe! AH! Oh, the humanity! I'll never play footsie again... oooh. (10/26/01)
Series 6
Broad confidence in spite of having your ass kicked daily by a pack of underfed third-graders is an almost sure sign that you're Baltimore-area loser Tom Friendly. (8/1/01)
Series 5
Some of the prisoners ate it, after the other prisoners sevened it and then jumped over it, the clever bastards. (4/20/00)
Series 4
David Fairchild's a tough cop who plays by his own rules, and he's being hunted by bounty hunters who make bugs seem to skitter right off the potato salad at the picnic, if you know what we mean. (6/19/99)
Series 3
He showed signs of becoming an incredible three-year-old at the age of four. (5/7/99)
Series 2
He wasn't a smart man. Or handsome. Talented, street smart, had anything going for him in the least, but all close blood relatives of his day revered Alan Owston. (4/20/99)
Series 1
A thousand years ago the world known to Bob Dole centered on this huge, flying potato beetle. (4/2/99)
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Quote of the Day“Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for Cletus, my inbred asscrack of a neighbor about whom I am far from indifferent.”
-CK FesterchildFortune 500 CookieYou wir find gleat rove in an ord flend. That's not an accented translation; you just have a really weird fortune this week. It's time to face the facts, or at least the facts of life: even if you manage to get that face you drew on your hand pregnant, it's just going to be one more mouth to feed. This week's lucky ringtones: Hangin' Tough, Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Two Princes, Kokomo.
Try again later.Top Other Inventions by the Crash Test Dummy Creator| 1. | Self-ejecting canned corn | | 2. | 5-string bass | | 3. | Hot Hands®, the cheapest, safest, easiest way to light your hands on fire | | 4. | Crash Test Dummy Secret Base Playset (Figures sold separately) | | 5. | Freshomatic, battery-powered freshness-testing meter | |
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