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Americans Copying Shitty Music They Refuse to BuyMarch 4, 2002 |
Los Angeles, CA Ansel Evans One guy buys CD while hundreds of friends line up to make copy. ecord companies were faced with a 10% drop in CD sales from 2000 to 2001, and are quick to point the finger squarely at internet music piracy and illegal CD copying. Now the awful songs and albums consumers refuse to buy are available to them for free elsewhere.
“It used to be someone would have to buy an album just to find out it was crap,” said recording industry lawyer Snig Partridge. “Now they spend hours downloading it, take one listen, and mutter they’re glad they didn’t buy it.
“That’s our money!” yelled Patridge, leaping across the desk and savagely attacking this commune reporter.
There is some validity to the maniacal lawyer’s complaints. A recent survey conducted found nearly 25% of respondents were downloading or ma...
ecord companies were faced with a 10% drop in CD sales from 2000 to 2001, and are quick to point the finger squarely at internet music piracy and illegal CD copying. Now the awful songs and albums consumers refuse to buy are available to them for free elsewhere. “It used to be someone would have to buy an album just to find out it was crap,” said recording industry lawyer Snig Partridge. “Now they spend hours downloading it, take one listen, and mutter they’re glad they didn’t buy it. “That’s our money!” yelled Patridge, leaping across the desk and savagely attacking this commune reporter. There is some validity to the maniacal lawyer’s complaints. A recent survey conducted found nearly 25% of respondents were downloading or making hardcopies of CDs they didn’t want to buy. Numerous reasons were cited, such as the expense of purchasing CDs, the ease and availability of pirating materials, the chic of bragging about burning or downloading something, the lack of new Beatles material, but most popular among the answers was “just don’wanna.” Many record industry analysts are puzzled by the slow down in CD sales, given the height of artistry of popular music with acts such as Britney Spears, Nelly Furtado, Creed, Pink, Uncle Kracker, and No Doubt topping the charts. “It’s obvious music is experiencing a renaissance,” remarked some dreadlocked teen at a music store, in a voice that didn’t sound at all sarcastic. “I don’t get it,” said Marx Kapital Records CEO Fred Ingells. “People hear the single. They like the single. They hum the single. They don’t buy the album. Something’s not right here.” In 2000, music product sales totaled $14.3 billion. A year later that amount had dropped catastrophically to $13.7 billion. “$13.7 billion! How are we supposed to live on $13.7 billion?” shouted Snig Partridge, this time leaping out from behind a Volkswagen on the street and attacking this commune reporter long after our interview had finished. Across the music industry, response from record company representatives has ranged from perturbed to dismayed. “Y’all fuckin’ my money now, biatch,” growled A’ight Records President Tru Dat Williams, cocking a Glock and firing blindly out the window in a confessed effort to hit potential music pirates. “What makes me sad is the poor artist,” said Ingells. “When you steal a CD by bootlegging it from a friend or downloading it from the internet, you’re stealing a dollar out of their pocket. A whole dollar, or considerably less if we’re talking just singles and EPs here.” Several artists were contacted to hear their reaction to this matter, but instead of listening to the interview tapes we burned copies of them and sold them on eBay as bootleg interviews. Snig Partridge then leaped out of our filing cabinet, knocked this commune reporter unconscious and made off with all our unsold copies. the commune news would be more into music piracy if they allowed you to wear parrots on your shoulder and velvet coats. Ramon Nootles stands as a shining example to men everywhere, especially for how not to handle a paternity suit.
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 At Least One Team in SuperBowl 'Really Came to Play' |
Media Plugs CIA Leak ne the most potentially controversial stories in recent years was successfully nipped in the bud by the Bush White House and its ever-faithful assistant, the national news media, as the ongoing story of former Cheney Chief of Staff Lewis Libby’s indictment, the first of a sitting White House official in history, was relegated to page 3 by bored news directors and other major Republican-driven news stories. Libby, called “Scooter” by his many enemies, is the first and likely only casualty of the under-covered story of a White House leak, in which the identity of a working CIA operative, conveniently the wife of Bush opponent Joseph Wilson. Wilson’s wife Valerie Plame was outed as a spy by a conservative columnist, and his source was traced back to the White House. While liberals hoped the 22-month investigation by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald would reveal the dirty tactic came from a source as high as presidential counselor Karl Rove, the most the Democrats could succeed with was a guy named Scooter. And the victory itself was short-lived. French Protestors Politely Riot urious French protestors continued to riot over the weekend, gently overturning traffic cones and unleashing salvos of pithy wit at assembled riot police across some of the roughest neighborhoods in all of Paris. The riots began the previous week in the Seine-Saint-Denis suburb northeast of Paris, sparked by what officials believe was a disagreement over food. “Those incorrigible police buffoons know nothing of fine chocolate!” said impassioned teenage rioter Jean Touloc, only in French. The urbane French police were overwhelmed almost before the rioting even began, requiring the French Army to be brought in last week. The army surrendered four hours later, and plans were being drawn up for a transitional government when some joker switched out the treaty-signing pen with a novelty model that laughs electronically when you try to write with it. The rioters, perhaps correctly believing that they were not being taken seriously, stepped up their boisterous chants of “We beg to differ!” and their disorderly milling-about. Sanjaya Unites Indian Fans, People Who Hate American Idol IRS: Excessively Needy Girlfriends Can’t Be Declared “Dependents” |
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 November 10, 2003
Volume 55Dear commune:
I had to write after reading the letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." My 14-year-old daughter developed an Internet relationship with a now 21-year-old man when she was 10. By the time she was 12, he was drawing her into a deeply dysfunctional relationship. Unbeknownst to her, he was a mental patient who was obsessed with suicide and self-mutilation. "Brokenhearted Mom" needs to act quickly before the same thing happens to her daughter.
Wiser in Worcester
Dear Wiser: the commune was touched by your touching letter and hilarious name. Someone has probably pointed this out to you previously, but did you realize your name also doubles as a descriptive phrase? That’s too much. It could even do triple-duty as a ham radio handle. Man, how funny to be you.
In regards to your letter, at first we here at the commune thought it might have been misdirected, given that we’ve never published a letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." Believe us, we’d remember a name like that. The fact that your letter wasn’t addressed to us and was found out in the hallway inside a sack of stolen credit card applications also raised a few eyebrows. But by the time we got to the end of your letter, we realized you had the right place and the universe was just getting your letter to us by an unconventional means of delivery.
We can only guess that "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia" wrote to...
º Last Column: Volume 54 º more columns
Dear commune: I had to write after reading the letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." My 14-year-old daughter developed an Internet relationship with a now 21-year-old man when she was 10. By the time she was 12, he was drawing her into a deeply dysfunctional relationship. Unbeknownst to her, he was a mental patient who was obsessed with suicide and self-mutilation. "Brokenhearted Mom" needs to act quickly before the same thing happens to her daughter. Wiser in WorcesterDear Wiser: the commune was touched by your touching letter and hilarious name. Someone has probably pointed this out to you previously, but did you realize your name also doubles as a descriptive phrase? That’s too much. It could even do triple-duty as a ham radio handle. Man, how funny to be you.
In regards to your letter, at first we here at the commune thought it might have been misdirected, given that we’ve never published a letter from "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia." Believe us, we’d remember a name like that. The fact that your letter wasn’t addressed to us and was found out in the hallway inside a sack of stolen credit card applications also raised a few eyebrows. But by the time we got to the end of your letter, we realized you had the right place and the universe was just getting your letter to us by an unconventional means of delivery.
We can only guess that "Brokenhearted Mom in Virginia" wrote to you directly, and you wanted to share your response with the world so all might benefit, either that or there was a chocolate smudge on the envelope covering her return address. No worries, as that happens to us all the time, only sometimes it’s not chocolate.
Lastly, though we think your advice to "Heartbroken Mom" is sound and responsible, we must stress that commune reporter Bludney Pludd isn’t really as dangerous as he seems over the Internet. Don’t worry, we get this kind of stuff all the time, no need to be embarrassed. But we assure you that "Brokenhearted’s" daughter is in no more danger than any of the other 12-year-olds Pludd’s been dating, unless of course she’s allergic to roller-skating. Like they say, you’re only as old as you feel, and trust us when we say Bludney Pludd feels about ten years old to everyone he meets.
the commune Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for any broken hearts or promises resulting from Bludney Pludd not taking your daughter to the Jr. High prom. Bludney is a busy young man with many responsibilities and EverQuest meetings every Friday evening.º Last Column: Volume 54º more columns
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|  July 1, 2001
Volume 1Dear commune:
Ed Phillips here again. Just had to let you know you guys were on the right track again with that teenage pregnancy issue. It's an unbelievable epidemic. I've gotten four teenage girls pregnant in the last six months. The problem is uncontrollable.
Back in my high school days, nearly 20 years ago, the girls were properly shamed for straying from society's moral compass. Three of the teenage girls I impregnated as a young man left town quickly to see abortions in states where they were easily obtainable.
Who's to blame? Call me old-fashioned, but I say it's the parent's fault. When parents finally stop blaming schools and T.V. violence and guys like me, then they can focus their attention on being better parents.
Ed Phillips Hackensack, NJ
Dear commune:
You guys should do something about Omar Bricks. That son of a bitch is seriously close to crossing the line. He has no right to lecture anyone on the dangers of smoking. I have been smoking for ten years and with the exception of one collapsed lung I have had no problems.
My dog has been smoking for 2 years now. Is he unhealthy? Hell no! Sure, he isn't as fast as he used to be but that's because he is an old dog and only has one leg left. Do you think that is funny? You are heartless bastards. And you should definitely do something about that Omar Bricks.
My dad is a tobacco man from way back. He...
º Last Column: Volume 54 º more columns
Dear commune: Ed Phillips here again. Just had to let you know you guys were on the right track again with that teenage pregnancy issue. It's an unbelievable epidemic. I've gotten four teenage girls pregnant in the last six months. The problem is uncontrollable. Back in my high school days, nearly 20 years ago, the girls were properly shamed for straying from society's moral compass. Three of the teenage girls I impregnated as a young man left town quickly to see abortions in states where they were easily obtainable. Who's to blame? Call me old-fashioned, but I say it's the parent's fault. When parents finally stop blaming schools and T.V. violence and guys like me, then they can focus their attention on being better parents. Ed Phillips Hackensack, NJ
Dear commune: You guys should do something about Omar Bricks. That son of a bitch is seriously close to crossing the line. He has no right to lecture anyone on the dangers of smoking. I have been smoking for ten years and with the exception of one collapsed lung I have had no problems. My dog has been smoking for 2 years now. Is he unhealthy? Hell no! Sure, he isn't as fast as he used to be but that's because he is an old dog and only has one leg left. Do you think that is funny? You are heartless bastards. And you should definitely do something about that Omar Bricks. My dad is a tobacco man from way back. He used to raise tobacco, before the tractor accident robbed him of his own head. But if he could dad would be here smoking alongside me and Rags. I usually enjoy Omar Bricks' "My Friend Polio," but not anymore! I'm starting to wonder if someone's at the wheel of the commune, if you know what I mean. This is not in response to a specific article, but I can tell by the way Omar Bricks stares at me while I'm reading "My Friend Polio" with a cigarette in hand that he is one of those non-smoking bastards who would lecture me and my dog if given half a chance. I will not stand for this! Also, tell Bricks to stay the hell away from my sister. Again, just a preventative measure. No longer a happy reader, Ira M. Bumquist Fayetteville, NC
Dear commune: My T.V. is once again on the blink. Is this what you call quality service? Angry customer, Bridgette Hardy Montpelier, VTDear Bridgitte:
We are sorry you're unhappy with your commune service. Our aim is customer satisfaction; when we fall short, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Our only desire is to keep our customers happy. We appreciate your alerting us to lacking service, and we shall do our best to remedy it. Quality is the only word one should associate with the commune. We are working to make the commune better and your comments are crucial to that, and important for us to hear.
Also, we do not manufacture T.V.s. We are a website. You must have purchased your television elsewhere.
We are express-shipping to you a clue.
the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the content of letters or the opinions expressed therein. The opinions and content arrive to us sealed in the envelopes tightly and there's no way we can get inside except to open them. Believe us, we've tried alternative methods and it never works out.º Last Column: Volume 54º more columns
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Quote of the Day“They say you are what you eat, which is precisely why I ate fine young Bernard. Though I regret to report that I feel largely unchanged, except for the part about being in prison and having a permanent case of indigestion.”
-Percy "The Cannibal" DandridgeFortune 500 CookieNobody knows the trouble you've seen, and you'll keep it that way if you know what's good for ya, bub. Try mixing your unique brand of illiterate rage with random fits of giggling this week. People hate it when you bring your own records to be played on the jukebox—it's just a soda joint, asshole. This week's lucky piercings: throat, spleen, tear duct, tooth.
Try again later.Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults1. | Your tie is particularly thin | 2. | Your wife likes having sex | 3. | Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing | 4. | What kind of name is "Gore"? | 5. | We could be mistaken for twins | |
|   North Korea Pissed Their Real-Life Hunger Games Nowhere Near as Popular as Movie BY French Hammond and Teddy Eddie Blister 11/24/2003 How to Write a Contrived NovelVerbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist.
But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check.
For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthy—patrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a...
Verbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist. But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check. For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthy—patrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a demanding and imbecilic blueblood. That was a sweet deal. But that time has gone by, and to make a fortune in the modern age the modern novelist mustn't compromise himself for any single individual, but bunches of them. The book-buying public. The beginning to every good book is a winning idea. An idea someone thinks is worth publishing. People ask us all the time, "Where do you get ideas?" Screw you, hobo, we're not telling you the source of our goldmine. Get a job already. But if you have a place to get ideas from, especially ideas you could turn into a book, even better a bestselling book idea, jump on it! It's not as hard as you might think. You see authors all the time who are struck by the muse, punched in the balls and thrown by the stairs by inspiration, and they come up with a brilliant can't-miss idea people find genuinely interesting. We hate these people. Luckily, people also by books with lame, repetitive stories and paper-thin characters you can toss out in ten seconds. In fact, most of the publishing world exists entirely on these books. And you can easily be one of their authors. One good way of finding the perfect idea for your trite novel is to take your favorite book and re-write it with your own disappointing characters. Love Jane Eyre? Write your own historical romance and diatribe on the role of women in Victorian England! Make her an exciting well-read debutante instead of a frumpy governess, and turn that subtle discourse on feminism into modern catchphrases and moralizing. People will eat it up. Or maybe you're a fan of 1984, but you find it horribly depressing. What would happen if Winston Smith got tired of taking orders from Big Brother and started kicking some major butt? Hmm? Now you've got a bestseller! It doesn't have to be stealing someone else's creative idea, if that's not your style. It doesn't have to be creative at all. Take a familiar literary situation, like a neurotic thinly-disguised version of yourself returning home to your dysfunctional family. Not only is it a critical favorite, but you can delude yourself into thinking it's therapeutic. Save on shrink bills and throw in some psycho-babble you found on the web and you've written one smart—if trite—book! Don't think it's easy to write a novel just because it's crap, though. It's still hard work. You have to write hundreds of sentences, one after the other, and when you think you've written enough you still have to write the easiest ending you can think of, or borrow it from someone else. Then we get into the next part of it all—publishing! That'll take up the remaining 287 pages of this book. For more of this great non-fiction, buy French Hammond and Teddy Eddie Blister's How to Write a Contrived Novel   |