|   Brush With Death, Floss With Danger
Finger fans, I'm delighted to be writing you again sooner than anticipated. As I last said, I did not believe there was enough of interest to me to warrant continued commune writing, but we both lucked out, for since those premature words, I have... (7/3/12)
Ventriloquism For Dummies
Emil's Note: I know what you're thinking, loyal commune-ist: "Oh great, more recycled Finger columns from bargain bin porn mags." Frankly, I'm shocked you would think so cynically. You're wrong on that point as well, as this is BRAND NEW... (1/27/12)
A Day That Will Live in Famy
Emil's Note: You won't believe your luck and mine, Rok readers! Did you know that, after the initial Sept. 11 attacks on American soil, nerves-of-steel columnist Rok Finger wrote his thoughts about the event for commune publication? For some... (9/16/11)
Thank God For Osama Ben Laden
A Note From Emil: For all you true commune addicts out there like me, I discovered something fantastic! As you probably know, columnist Rok Finger has had a long and storied career in publishing even before he became a commune staple—so I was... (5/30/11)
Lobbying for the 368-Day Weekend
Once again we are celebrating the best kind of weekend, good people—a 4-day weekend. Is there anything better in the great scheme of things than having to work one day less than usual. Of course. There's the 4-day weekend. Praise be to... (5/28/07)
Rain, Rain, Go Straight to Hell
Things have been gloomier than usual here at the commune offices, as Flatbush, New Jersey goes through another rain-drenched March. Some have always admired rain, looked into the gloomy darkness overhead and the water fluttering down from the sky... (4/2/07)
I Don't Cotton to Spandex
I thought I would celebrate my return to a regular column with a timely complaint—a beyond timely complaint even: I intensely dislike spandex. Who exactly thought we needed this impertinent fabric? I recall we survived the '70s perfectly fine... (3/5/07)
Public Abscess
I am back, good people, and I am 100% as good as before. Maybe even less. It was a ragged and wearisome climb back to right where I was before, but I made it at last. For the greater part of 2006, the commune stopped publishing, as you and the... (1/15/07)
Reunification
Few of you would have guessed who is the greatest peacekeeper in the world, if I didn't tell you right now it's me—Rok Finger. I do not own this title simply because I've bestowed it upon myself, and am too big and intimidating to keep people from... (3/27/06)
Headlice Fading
Ginger Baker, my long-loving wife, had the brilliant idea of donating our time to charity. I was happy to do it—you know me, anything for a cause of some sort—until I learned donating time was a lot harder than donating money. Then I wanted to... (2/27/06)
Riding the Crime Wave
The streets are more dangerous than ever. This is not only the basic premise for every movie Charles Bronson made in the 70s and 80s, it's an undeniable fact. And since I've been bored the past couple of months, I decided to see what I, Rok Finger,... (1/30/06)
The Other Wedding of the Year
It's the end of an era, good people. Note the lowercase nature of the letters; it's not the end of a proposed Equal Rights Amendment. No, this is even greater, and something Christians would even approve of. My loyal roommate Camembert has gotten... (12/12/05)
Little Man With a Gun in His Hands
Good people, you are now reading at a licensed gun owner. That's the truth—except for the license thing. I'm still studying for the exam. And if you think having a gun doesn't change your life, you should shoot yourself right now. Oh, that's... (11/7/05)
At War With the Joneses
There must be some sort of law that says I, Rok Finger, can never live next to a normal neighbor. Well, I suppose the neighbors on the other four sides are normal enough. But that doesn't excuse the fact my neighbors to the right are the most... (10/10/05)
The Concert for New Orleans
Rok Finger is more full of it than anyone you've ever met—if the "it" in question is charity. I've got more charity in my tax documents than most people have in their whole bodies. And when I heard people somewhere were suffering from something, I... (9/19/05)
I'm Fresh Out of Haitian Cigarettes
I am royally bummed, good people. I can say that without fear of contradiction. For one, because anyone can verify how true it is, and two, because I'm simply not afraid of contradictions anymore. The therapy is working. I can't control when someone... (9/5/05)
To Hell With This Desk
Something has forever changed Rok Finger, good people. Whether it was my recent wedding to the most beautiful and loyal woman in the world or that recent colonic, I can't say for sure. But I feel, as I said, changed in brand new ways. Changed back... (8/22/05)
A Word from Camembert
Editor's Note: In lieu of Rok Finger's absence, he asked us to print a friendly filler message from his roommate Camembert.
Hello. I'm Camembert Morgen and I suppose I should introduce myself as Rok Finger's roommate. Since Rok... (7/11/05)
The Enemy Cube
Editor's Note: Rok Finger isn't available this week to bring you a fresh serving of his homespun curmudgeon wit. But in the interest of filling space, since Gay Bagel says big gaping holes on the index page make advertisers cry, we bring you... (6/27/05)
You Are Cordially Insulted...
Every one of you are cordially invited to attend the wedding of Rockwell T. Finger and Rutherford Ginger Baker this Sunday, at the Flatbush Mall of 'Merica. Invited, of course, as long as you actually receive one of those little cardboard notes... (6/13/05)
Abducted by Beatniks
Good people, I have had one of those experiences that only happens to other people. I have been abducted! And not by aliens, as you might first suspect, and even hope. I was abducted by beatniks!
It starts like any other story of abduction. I... (5/30/05)
Marry All the Way
Surprise, I got my name back. Occasionally I jump the gun and make a situation look a lot bleaker than it is. But I did seriously think Felchyana would take away my very name. As for my new name, "Rokwell T. Stonewall" is already owned by a... (5/16/05)
The Good Name of Rok ???
The good news: I've finally nailed down terms of my divorce from my soon-to-be ex-wife, Felchyana. The bad news: We elected a war-hungry idiot for president, not once, but twice.
But I suppose that bit of news is hardly news, and certainly... (5/2/05)
Satellite Killed the Radio Stars
You may have read about my A.M. radio station and the hostile buyout Clear Channel is attempting. But of course I have other problems to worry about, so that's just the pus-filled boil on the sore foot. Which is a nasty version of the "icing on the... (4/18/05)
Match of the Century
I've had a few money-making harebrained schemes in my day, but you good people know it's not my usual style. I'm not about making a quick buck, I'm about doing irrational things with little or no prep time. Still, if I can make a few dollars with a... (4/4/05)
Pretty Big O' Me
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't mean to shock you out of your pants (particularly you fatties), but I've got the most shocking news to report: Apparently I, Rokwell T. Finger, have been married for a while already.
I'm not defecating with you. Nor... (3/21/05)
Ol' Lee Loves Chachi
In all the other hubbub since the year began, I may have forgotten to mention my old bassist roommate Lee returned. He arrived shortly after Christmas, when his plan to storm Tokyo with techno rock failed miserably. It's okay, though, because he has... (3/7/05)
Solid Gold A.M. Radio
Have you listened to the radio lately? I'll bet you haven't. Modern statistics show most people stopped listening to the radio circa 1981, when video killed its star. I can hardly blame you. I listened to the radio a couple of weeks ago and was... (2/21/05)
Finger in Love
51. 2? That's what constitutes a rating from you, my loyal readers? I would say "go to hell," but I'm bigger than that. Not much bigger… that unwashed rabble Omar Bricks receives more readers than me? I would cry recount, if I were not staunchly... (2/7/05)
Charity and Ginger Baker
You can well imagine my fury when I found out my charity, "Rok Finger's Kids," hadn't been in operation for a number of years. Worse yet, I was still writing all my donations off on my taxes, and the IRS is just this side of pissed about that. What... (1/24/05)
A Christmas Sandwich Come True
If I go into a restaurant at ten o'clock at night, and they are not closed this time, I should be able to order a venison sandwich and get it. I have said it before, I'll say it again.
Good people, is this America, or communist Italy? We live in... (1/10/05)
The Two-Car Garage Problem
Good people, if there are any of you left, I am outraged. Old school outraged, the way I used to get before Rokwell T. Finger jumped the shark and started involving myself with pro-wrestling and the Russian mob. For some reason, domestic annoyances... (12/27/04)
The Search for Mrs. Right
I am an old-fashioned guy, and by that, this time, I do not mean that is my drink of choice. I have traditional values, as anyone who knows me can tell. You know this, good people. And just as ice must melt back to its natural state, not-ice, I must... (12/13/04)
The Passion of Camembert
I address this column to roommate Camembert, my long-time friend Camembert, and my wheelchair-bound fellow adventurer Camembert, who has stood by me through every hardship, despite not being able to stand, and has never failed to follow me through... (11/29/04)
The Costumer's Always Right
Suffice to say, after last year's catastrophe, I will no longer be dressing up like Saddam Hussein. Also, the thrill is gone. Since his capture, I have realized he is a poor man's Hitler, and not just because he no longer has any money. His system... (11/1/04)
They Canceled My Favorite Show
I am furious. Perhaps you are not aware of this, but the network has canceled The Drew Carey Show. You all know how accustomed I am to being outraged, but this time it's even greater. Outrage, plus 1, I call it.
Worse yet, they canceled... (10/4/04)
Rok Finger: Not Hot
As many of you good people may know, I am a small man, but I am overfilled with confidence. I move with a sureness many others in the world lack—whether justified or not, I am secure in every single thing I do and have ever done. Of course, like... (9/6/04)
Camembert in Love
Things could not be worse, even if I had a head made of cheese in the middle of Amsterdam. Or a head made of pot, if you believe those rumors about our European neighbors. Camembert has fallen in love, making him even more intolerable than usual.
... (8/9/04)
Lost Vegas
After a voyage that took me to nearly every state in the union, and some I'm still not convinced are legally in, I found my Elvis medicine.
First a long trip to New Hampshire, only to realize the Elvis Graceland is in Memphis, so I headed down... (7/12/04)
I Too Need Elvis Medicine
Keep me in your prayers, good people, because Rok Finger is sick as a dog. Not a healthy dog, either, but a dog with mange, or some kind of dog disease. I don't have mange, at least to my knowledge, though my back hair has been falling out lately.... (6/14/04)
Here Comes the Humdrum
The tale of how I escaped the angry mobs of Haitian dissidents is the most chilling, exciting, and inspiring story that has ever happened to me. Consequently, I sold the rights to it so it could be made into a Hallmark movie (look for it on CBS this... (4/19/04)
Rok the Boat
Editor's Note: For the first time ever, we received no column from Rok Finger this week. We thought we'd instead run this news piece that came over the wire, hoping perhaps his missed deadline might be more explainable.
... (3/15/04)
Give Me an "Arr"
What a couple of weeks it has been! To jump right to the gory details, I'm no longer a nature documentary narrator, as I hoped to be last week. That was a little outlandish, I can now see. So I made the logical jump to pirate!
Logical though it... (3/1/04)
Mutual of Ohmigod Presents...
I say, as long as hiding out from the mob leaves you trapped in a backwards country like Australia, make the best of it. Or at least I'm saying it this week, since it's not yet safe enough for me to return to the states. And make the best of it I... (2/16/04)
The Deep, Deep South
Testifying against the mob hasn't been as much fun as I thought it would be. Not only has my life been repeatedly threatened and endangered, I've had to change my name and address more times than Martin Luther, and they've made me give back all... (2/2/04)
The Name Game
Like the Bible story, Rok Finger is resurrected from the dead. Stand slack-jawed pointing all you want, good people, but of course, I only mean I'm back using my old-fashioned moniker instead of the new and improved Godfrey Bellmont name I was just... (1/19/04)
Witness the Healing Power of Protection
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, otherwise known as a bad news bear, but this will be the last Giving You the Finger column for quite a while. Yep, you read right. Why? you may ask, with my permission. I'll tell you: Because starting with my... (1/5/04)
The Night Before Testimony
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not one soul was stirring, besides the bodyguard Klaus
as noble Rok Finger and his Russian child bride
sought shelter from the mob with the ol' FBI
it started with gangwars, then things... (12/22/03)
I Sure Hope it Was the Kiss of Death
I am the last person anyone would call a homophobe, given my highly litigious nature, but I admit I am not comfortable with the thought of two men acting like two women together. Which is exciting. No, the two-man thing isn't my thing. Still, I say... (12/8/03)
I May Have Started a Gangland War
What a difference a day makes. Wednesday I was living the good life, the best my life has ever been, Thursday I may be responsible for the death of dozens, and my oatmeal was cold.
I keep telling myself tomorrow is another chance for a good day,... (11/24/03)
My Wife as a G-Dawg
I suppose, like me, you have all noticed the vast proliferation of electric products surrounding us these days. Is this getting ridiculous or what? When did all of society become mechanized overnight? Now you can't even go to the bathroom without... (11/10/03)
Respect!
Good people, I'm experiencing the most unusual feeling of my entire life. You might call it respect. In fact, I believe that's what it is called, I've made a study of it over the years and I'm 99.9% sure. But it's new to me, and I must say, I like... (10/27/03)
A Shot to the Sweet Spot
You're reading a man who, by all rights, should be dead, good people. And I don't just mean according to the doctors who do my physical. A few days ago I came this close (indicate approximately a foot and a half) to death. So close I could smell its... (10/13/03)
Dueling Bandits
No one wanted it to come to this. Sure, if you checked with Arvelyn, or my other ex-wife, several of my children, or anybody on the commune staff, a number of them may have wanted it to come to this. But no one I like wanted it to come to this: A... (9/29/03)
The Return of Boguslaw Sadowski
Well, well, well, if it isn't Boguslaw Sadowski—actually, it is. Or someone who looks incredibly like him.
That's correct, good people, my old nemesis, 40 years my junior, has returned: Boguslaw Sadowski. Also known as "the mad Russian," when... (9/15/03)
Not My Bag, Man
I have never had my fingers pulled off one by one through my asshole. My wife Arvelyn used to tell me I should not knock things until I have tried them at least once, but I dare to say the experience is one I would not like even without trying it.
... (9/1/03)
The Honeymoon is Over
Let there be no mistake: I love my new wife, Felchyana, but she's starting to get on my nerves. Being a veteran of two marriages and three wars you'd think I might be familiar with this growing feeling of spite I'm experiencing, but it's not the... (8/18/03)
Kids, Meet Your New Mom
Austin; Cheryl; Penny… it's time to meet your new mom.
I know you kids don't take to change very well. And I wish like hell there was a more comforting way to introduce her to you than through my column, which I sincerely doubt most of you... (8/4/03)
Wedding Bell Booze
I had game Saturday, good people. An old fashioned wedding, right out of the books. If the book was The Nightmare Before Christmas, or something by Roald Dahl maybe.
It was quite a shock to find Felchyana drunk on the worst imitation... (7/21/03)
The Last Nights of a Free Man
Scream out loud in joyous revelry, good people. I get married this weekend and the last gasp of the single man is coming out now. We call it the bachelor party.
You may interrupt me with more of your trademark, "But Rok…" shit, but I don't... (7/7/03)
A Moll Married to the Mob
Hot shit on a roll! I've been living in sin for weeks and didn't even know it!
As astounding as that may sound to you, good people, it came as even more of a shock to yours truly. And when I found out about it, an even bigger shock. It turns out... (6/23/03)
The True Meaning of Glasnost
You homos sure are convincing. Well, you can lay off with the grand descriptions of homo lifestyle, because I'm once again one of you!
Well, not a homeowner, if that's the specific meaning of "homo." But a home-liver, on the insider, a... (6/9/03)
Home Sweet Homo
Greetings, good homos. Rok Finger here, reporting from the street. Which street isn't important right now, and besides the sign is in a bold font that offends my sensible eyes. Go ask a little bird if you really need to know that detail of my... (5/26/03)
Like a Rolling Rok
That's the fact, jack. Given my recent falling out with Camembert and Lee's eternally-disappeared status as of late, I decided it's better to have my pride than a roof over my head. And if I can have neither, what with the extreme damage I did to... (5/12/03)
Lord of The Lord of the Rings
Who knew such fantastic fun existed on the silver screen? I didn't, that's for sure. Yes, Rok Finger enjoys the occasional movie like any good working-class drone, but movies are usually just boring things that could happen to me at any time, with... (4/28/03)
Camembert is No Good
I know, it comes as a complete shock to me as well. It's probably in our American nature to assume that everybody feels the same as you do, that everyone shares the same values and the person you're talking to is not some sort of weirdo with a goofy... (4/14/03)
I Support the War, but Not the Troops
As the old saying goes, war brings out the best in a man. Guts, brains, plenty of blood and various organs—but you already know how landmines work. Likewise, war brings out the best in Rok Finger. Some are made for philosophizing and some are made... (3/31/03)
Can't Trust the Russians
It's about time someone came out and said it, good people, and I will be the first, if you ignore the looming headline: We've been too lenient on those Russians!
What inspires this angry anti-red rhetoric, you ask? Nothing, none of your... (3/17/03)
I've Met the Alleged Woman of My Dreams
You've caught me on cloud nine, good people! With my pants down. But I assure you I was just scratching it. I can't be distracted by masturbation and not even depressed by the implication—Rok Finger may have met the possible woman of his dreams!
... (3/3/03)
Rok's Gotta Have It
Rok Finger is back in the dating pool, good people. So he better not feel any warm water around you teen-agers, because I get violent when standing in piss.
You read right—violent standing in piss. True, too, before the piss part: I'm playing... (2/17/03)
I Have Discovered the Identity of the Masked Dude
We're off to a big, booming new year, and by "we" I mean "me," who knows what you're up to. I have solved one of the great mysteries plaguing me since long ago in 2002: I have unmasked the Masked Dude, my stalker.
The challenge was issued, and... (2/3/03)
Challenge of the Masked Dude
The new year is presenting more hurdles than some excessive hurdle-presenting device of some sort. Remember the Masked Dude?
Yes, former pro-wrestler the Masked Dude has been consistently on my ass like my former glitter-covered spandex tights.... (1/20/03)
A High-Resolution New Year
Many readers have an unshakeable image of me from reading my column. They see Rok Finger as a cool, collective individual with a good head on his shoulders, by way of a stodgy little neck. A tough-as-nails, yet sensitive and insightful observer of... (1/6/03)
'Tis the Season for Gifts with No Pleasin'
Rok Finger's shopping list is full to bursting this year, like my bladder. This time last year I was a different man, though both of us the same height and with the same hideous facial features, and I bought only a few gifts, for my wife, Arvelyn,... (12/23/02)
Re-Decorating My Life
As you might guess, I'm back inside the safety of my apartment. It turns out it was all some sort of misunderstanding—Lee was on tour with his new band and Camembert was with him, acting as roadie. Sure, it doesn't explain the nasty note telling... (12/9/02)
Let My Love Open the Door
Brace yourselves for nonsense, good people. Once again my column has to take a backseat to the ridiculous happenings in my personal life. I can't blame you for outrage, if I were my boss I'd have to seriously question my dedication to writing this... (11/25/02)
Greetings from Gracieland
Greetings, commune readers. Rok Finger here, typing greetings to you from beautiful Rumney, New Hampshire. Feel free to register your surprise, disgust, or firearms—whichever is appropriate. It's understandable that based on comments made... (11/11/02)
Until I Return, Camembert is in Charge
The time has come once again for my annual pilgrimage to Graceland—my first pilgrimage, actually, and I admit I'm randomly selecting the date rather than choosing some important date. And no, I'm not a fan of Elvis Presley, I've never even met the... (10/28/02)
Lee Gets a GED
It's good to have things back to normal here, and please don't laugh when I say that like everyone else does. It just comes off as passive-aggressive.
We've all been a little shaken up by Lee's massive head trauma and following period of... (10/14/02)
I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Ham
Few were happier than good Samaritan Rok Finger when Lee came out of his coma. Sure, Camembert appeared happy about it—a little too happy, if you ask me. But I was the one who had loaded him up with alcohol and convinced him real men can knock... (9/30/02)
Wasted Away in Mormonville
Never again will Rok Finger get drunk off his sorry short-stack ass and wake up smack-dab in the middle of Utah, I can tell you that much.
For those who need the long story, I'm sending this column via the Infanet or whatever that commune clerk... (9/16/02)
No One Will Believe We're All Doomed
I hope all of you are content to die in the middle of the night, having accomplished all in life you set out to do. Because it is certain to happen shortly. The world is about to be destroyed by ominous forces from another world or plane of... (9/2/02)
My Memoirs Are Not Coming Along Well
Good people, you've caught me on a bad day. I'm going out of my well-confined mind trying to write my memoirs.
As I may have mentioned before, but certainly didn't, I have been approached by publishers in the past on the occasions I have stormed... (8/19/02)
Rok Shall Overcome
You know me, good people—I am not one to bitch and moan. No, wait, I'm confusing myself with my wife Arvelyn, which explains the odd choice of high heels this morning. I am one to bitch and moan. So let's get cracking, shall we?
I have had one... (8/5/02)
Stalked by Another Former Pro-Wrestler
The situation has darkened, good people. Frequent readers of my column, and despite what everyone says I'm convinced they exist, will remember my recent revelation that I was a pro-wrestler briefly in the '80s. To my surprise, everyone has been... (7/22/02)
My Past Life as a Pro-Wrestler Has Come Back to Haunt Me
This is becoming the Rok Finger motif as of late: Taking a rocky path, somehow surviving most of the way, coming to a bump in the road, inhale a huge breath and successfully jump over the bump in the road, just to land in dogshit.
Am I... (7/8/02)
I Have Been Dragged by a Car for Three Days
Just when things are going pretty good for you again, just when they start to look up again after you've been down and out for the count, at your lowest and just starting to get back on your feet again, it's the same ol' story: Hit by a car and... (6/24/02)
I Have a Wicked Bassist in Lee
I have never before been interested in music. Music is like water, as far as I'm concerned, and me being mostly oil, we do not mix. But this has changed recently now that Lee is part of my scene.
In addition to all his other talents, Lee is, as... (6/10/02)
I Have Unfinished Business with Carl Tomlin
Look out, everybody, I'm on the war path. And if you're on the war path we better be going in the same direction or I'm going to roll right over your sorry hindquarters.
And my path leads to Carl Tomlin. Does that name mean nothing to you? It... (5/27/02)
Camembert is Missing
Heavens to mergatroid! Camembert is missing!
I wish this was in jest, good people. Instead it's injust. As in unfair, to clarify my brilliant play on phrasing. It's not fair that he should turn up missing and almost certainly dead so soon after... (5/13/02)
Lee
Good people, whatever I said last week, optimistic it up by about 200%. I am feeling much, much better. Maybe it's the smell of fresh cauliflower cooking on Camembert's stove, maybe it's the neighbors and their loud enunciation of Shakespearian... (4/29/02)
Win A Dream Date With Camembert
Living with Camembert is like renting a room with a large bucket full of sadsack. What a crybaby! All he ever does is sit and mope, or sit and cry, or sit and do anything else. I forgive the sitting, him being in the wheelchair, but the depression... (4/15/02)
The Rok Couple
When they say "we're all family here at the commune," they don't mean it. At least they don't mean they're the kind of family you can move in with when you hit upon hard times. In fact, I don't think they even say "we're all family here at the... (4/1/02)
I Must Strongly Disagree With Myself
Friends and readers, it's always difficult to confront someone with an opposing opinion, and this is no exception. Something I've read has outraged me and I must stand and take issue with it, even if the author is myself.
Loyal followers of this... (3/18/02)
I Wish I Was Dead or Otherwise Incapacitated
I'm fucking miserable. What an asshole I've been.
Sorry for the Turkish, good people, but Rok Finger's hit rock bottom. No fuckin' pun intended. In fact, if I did intend a pun in any slight or possibly intentional way, beat me to death with a... (3/4/02)
I Am Nobody's Personal Food Taster
Brace yourself, good people. I have news of the biggest importance: My wife Arvelyn and I have split up.
That's right. After 30 years of marriage, there are issues which sometimes just cannot be worked out or addressed. It's true, Arvelyn and I... (2/18/02)
Collect and Swap All 36 Rok Finger Trading Cards
Exciting news on the homefront here, people. If you recall my past musings in this column have been concerned with trying to help our boys overseas in the war effort. Those have all met with failing, as I glumly typed. Not anymore! Rok Finger is... (2/4/02)
I Have Been Certified A Dancing Machine
No one is more surprised than Rok Finger at the results of his latest physical. I will spare you the details I usually render in graphic description, inviting several letters of complaint to my mailbox, and instead inform you of the doctor's... (1/21/02)
Ask Not What Your Country is Doing
Good people, do you know there's a war going on? I trifle not. I just found out about it, much to my astonishment. It's apparently in Albania or Argentina, somewhere in that region, and yes, we are heavily involved. Our fighting boys and their dads... (1/7/02)
Why Not Have Two Christmases?
Ladies and genitalmen, I am filled up to my ears with Christmas cheer! And, to a lesser extent, liquid opium. Each year around this time I am amazed and bewildered when the same ol' jingle bellsy, silent nightish, away-in-a-mangeresque feeling... (12/24/01)
There is No "I" in "Camp Songs"
Kind friends, I'm more than aware of America's fondest for the individual. Actually, strike that, I'm simply aware of it, I doubt it's possible to be more than aware of something, it's the knowledge-based equivalent of being more than dead, you... (12/10/01)
There's A Bustle in My Hedgerow
I have to admit, a few years ago the sound of a bustle in my hedgerow would have left me terrified. I was naĂŻve, to say the least, and suffer a fear of mortality like anybody else. At least that's what my new houseguest said, and that's when I... (11/26/01)
A Blow Has Been Struck to the Nards of Justice
Last week "Dandy" Kent Weedman walked free. A jury of twelve of his peers, similar besides all the criminal charges against him, found him not guilty. A practiced American judge presided over this court case, and either he was asleep at the gavel,... (11/12/01)
I Am A Failure As A Physical Trainer
It takes a lot to shame Rok Finger, friends. Three counts of indecent exposure, a national trial for treason and a bastard child in Spanish Harlem have all failed in the past. But I have to begrudgingly admit that like a Nazi eating a ham 'n'... (10/29/01)
Someone is to Blame for My Sofa Stain
Who's to blame, good people? That's what I've been asking myself all week: Who's to blame? That and, on an unrelated note, "Why did they cancel Gunsmoke when it was just getting good?"
The earlier question has been inspired by an incident... (10/15/01)
I Have Just Seen American Booty
Good people, it is not very often a movie can change your life. That a movie can make you feel good to be alive, and can make you feel, after all, maybe the world is not a heaping pile of dung. I have just seen such a movie. American Booty. ... (10/1/01)
I Will Destroy the People Living in My Trash
As some of you may know, I'm now at war with the people who live in my trash. This is nothing unexpected, nor is it anything new. For years the people living in my trash have been casually testing the boundaries and pushing the envelope; now they've... (6/15/01)
The Joker
Some people call me… the "space cowboy." Some call me the "gangster of love." Some people call me "Maurice"—wahnt wah—because I speak of the pompatus of love. People talk about me, baby—say I'm doing you wrong. "Doing you wrong"! Well,... (5/15/01)
Some People Call Me the Space Cowboy
Good people, the most wondrous of wonderful, funderful, magical things has happened to me! I was hit in the side by a dirty van while crossing the street and gravely injured. That's not the good part, but I'm getting to that—let's take the long... (5/15/01)
I Can't Get Up
Help me! Good people, this is not a lark, I'm serious—I've fallen and I can't get up.
I can excuse the snickering and guffaws from the peanut gallery. I, too, have witnessed those B-grade commercials for elderly alarm devices in which pathetic... (4/16/01)
This is High-Grade Stuff
As my readers know, I believe strongly in charity—one look at my wife will tell you that. She holds the demeanor and loving look of a woman who's weathered many a charity event at her husband's side. So most Rokophiles are well aware of "Rok... (3/16/01)
Rok Finger: Independent Film Star
Being a celebrity has its advantages. I've never been one of those wildly popular people who've complained about the spotlight. I revel in the attention and the fact people value what I have to say. I consider myself a very trusted member of the... (2/16/01)
No Dog Will Run My Life
Uproar has swept over me, good people. You want to know why? You want to know WHY? I can't hear you! That's better. This morning, my good wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, suggested maybe it's time we possibly consider getting a dog if that's okay... (1/16/01)
People Think I'm Johnny Carson
The most hilarious thing happened the other day, faithful readers. As is per usual, I was on the phone to odor the special deodorant I use from Quebec. Anyone familiar with me knows I tire of the French fairly quick, and the only thing that... (1/16/01)
Doin' Fine
I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I'm doing perfectly well this week. That's right, Rokophiles, Mama Finger's boy has no outstanding bones to pick or societal ills to attack. Oh, sure, I imagine there's plenty of bad things... (12/15/00)
God Owes Me BIG TIME
Some people act like God owes them something... just because they were born! As if being given the gift of life entitles them to something other than each and every lucky breath they take. Nosiree Bob.
Look at my face! Now you know damn well... (11/15/00)
Nabisco Loves Me
It's the question I think many of us ask over and over again... "Has my life mattered any?" "Has my being here changed anything or anyone?" "How has my life made the world a better place?"
It's a series of questions that needlessly rephrase that... (10/16/00)
Generation-X-O-Cide
Boy have I got a bug in my bonnet, good people!
Once again I've had a run in with some no-goodniks lately. As my regular readers will know, I'm surrounded on all sides by youth trash that just will not give respect where it's due. Some may feel... (9/15/00)
Don't Be So Hard-On the President
I'm sure there's many a people thinking "Our president should step down! It's better to resign than face an impeachment trial." I happen to disagree vehemently. I know in times past I've stated how much I disagree with things vehemently and it was... (8/16/00)
Your Trash Is Now My Problem
Hello, good people. Once again we've got a situation on our hands. I'm sure you don't need me to elaborate what I'm talking about. So I will.
Several weeks ago young hooligans whose names I'm unaware of began dumping their garbage on my lawn. As... (7/14/00)
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Quote of the Day“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”
-Roderick YoungfellowFortune 500 CookieYou are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.
Try again later.Top T.V. Shows| 1. | Friends, NBC | | 2. | New Friends, NBC | | 3. | Wilma & Non-Threatening Abstinent Gay Man, NBC | | 4. | Black Friends, UPN | | 5. | Star Truck: Interstate, UPN | |
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