God Owes Me BIG TIME

November 15, 2000

Some people act like God owes them something... just because they were born! As if being given the gift of life entitles them to something other than each and every lucky breath they take. Nosiree Bob.

Look at my face! Now you know damn well somebody owes me something for that, people.

Nobody owes Claudia Schiffer jack shit. Miss pretty priss can bitch and moan all she wants about how rough it is being a supermodel and working all day in a swimsuit until the fabric cuts your pert little nipples, and okay, maybe the beaver teeth are a bit repugnant. But her case don't matter a hill o' beans to my having to cart this puss around for eternity.

Ain't nobody on earth done so wrong to deserve my gruesome hood ornament. If the Geneva Convention applied to my sadsack mug God would be up on some serious crimes against humanity charges, that's for sure. And I make no apologies--hell, with this creepy kisser nobody would stick around to listen to 'em anyway. I'm not a handsome man, that's something I and everybody I've ever encountered instantly knows. But what matters is... I'm damn ugly.

"Wait, Rok," you say, looking quite the fool while reading the commune and talking back, "I know where this is going." But you're wrong. This isn't about disproving the existence of God. If anything, my nasty neanderthal visage proves there is a God and he's one twisted bastard, He is.

I'm not pushing any unwarranted charges on Hisself, I'm just saying that all this can be cleared up nice and neatly with a blank check. His holiass can definitely afford it, just invent more gold or utarnium, the ultimate valuable metal or something. But it's quite clear I've been done wrong and it don't take no Judge Wapner to rule in my favor to prove it. I'll forget the whole thing if Our Lord Who Art Laughing His Ass Off Up In Heaven will just cut me some quick cash. And it better be soon, I've got a high school reunion to go to soon.

Milestones

1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.

Now Hiring

Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.

Top New Year's Resolutions

1.	Quit being such an asshole
2.	Exercise every day. Every Arbor Day.
3.	Kill them all
4.	Lose 20 pounds to limey con artist
5.	Quit smoking halibut

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