|   Is the Ocean the World's Toilet or What?
Reader questions come to yours truly in all sizes and forms, from folded paper ninja throwing stars scribbled with questions about loneliness, to strange marriage proposals that wander off on a tangent like "Will you marry me and what the fuck's up... (3/26/07)
Flinging Out the Dead
In honor of this week's Six Feet Under theme, and, what the hell, every person who has ever died, ever, we're going to use this column to take a look at how humans throughout history have dealt with the problem of what to do with dead bodies... (4/10/06)
What the Sleep Do We Know?
Much bitching and moaning has been expelled over the course of human history about the unfortunate reality that man needs to sleep. Some women, too. From ruining slavemasters' productivity figures to making everyone late to the airport, sleep has... (1/30/06)
The History of Lies
As long as there have been statements of truth, there have been lies. In fact, lies have been around a bit longer, since in early days there wasn't much of a good reason to tell the truth about anything at all, because it was near the beginning of... (11/28/05)
Requiem for the Pencil
If you see someone crying on the street today, you'll know why: The pencil is dead. After serving as the writing implement of choice for hundreds of years, the noble pencil is now relegated to the bottom of the drawer, falling behind more popular... (10/24/05)
The Truth About Dinosaurs
Thanks to an unprecedented number of Jurassic Park sequels, the BBC's "educational" series Walking with Dinosaurs, and countless truly putrid CGI dinosaur DVDs aimed at children, these terrible ugly beasts of yore have never been more... (9/26/05)
Hurricanes are Nature's Douche
Just now the question may be dawning in your Pre-Cambrian brain: Wait a minute, what happened in New Orleans? Last time I was down there, it was a drunk, titty-flashing good time. I don't remember all these poor people smashing windows at the Piggly... (9/12/05)
First Griswald Dreck Chat Transcript
Hey gang, chain gangs, and other gang members. Welcome to the commune’s first ever live chat with Griswald Dreck, answerman extraordinaire. Send in your questions now, and Dreck will put a hurting on them when he gets here at 2pm ET.
... (8/29/05)
The Fall of the Roman Empire
Every educated person knows what made the Roman Empire great: stunning architecture, great hats, and Russell Crowe. But what in the hell happened to those guys? Last we heard, they were kicking serious ass and feeding their enemies to the lions, in... (7/4/05)
The Tunguska Explosion
As every high school yearbook from the era can attest, "What the Hell Was That??" was the catchphrase of the year for 1908 in Russia, thanks to the infamous Tunguska Explosion in Siberia earlier that year, which rocked the fallacious common notion... (6/20/05)
Buddha Who?
Buddha? Buddha who? Indeed. Well, it's time to set the record really straight, like Tom Selleck straight. Because I'm tired of people on the street arguing with me that Buddha was one of the original members of Cypress Hill. So strap on your... (6/6/05)
In a Galaxy Far, Far Removed
Now that the temporarily complete Star Wars wank saga has been shat onto the public's ever-loving lap, to the thrills of toddlers and fanboys everywhere, viewers are starting to calm down from the whiz-bang video game effects just enough to... (5/23/05)
Short Takes
At some time during the course of every man's life, he is asked a profound question. One which he can spend decades pondering and considering the ramifications of, swimming in the sea of possibilities that arise from such a profound query. Other... (5/9/05)
The Longest Word in the World (Part Two)
By 1550, the Spanish, British and French were engaged in a linguistic arms race to secure for their countries the truly longest word in the world. Over the next several decades the crown of word longness was passed back and forth between the three... (4/25/05)
The Longest Word in the World (Part One)
If anybody tells you that the longest word in the English language is Antidisestablishmentarianism, you know right away that they're full of the brown stuff. Though that's certainly a pretty long word, anyone in the know knows that this famous... (4/11/05)
Beware Fnord the Illuminati
Reader questions come to yours truly in all manner and variety of ways, but some of my favorites are screamed from passing automobiles. This week's question is no exception, as a passing motorist recently broached an intriguing subject while laying... (3/28/05)
The History of History
While most people question from time to time the history of this or the history of that, few ever dislodge their heads from the collective bunghole long enough to ponder the history of history itself. How did we remember the past in the past, and... (3/14/05)
Getting Nothing but Static on Channel One
Every once in a while I receive a reader question that really knocks me off the toilet. The latest came from Shane Bugelskow of Jersey City, New Jersey, wrapped around a rock and thrown through my bathroom window. Shane wonders, among other things,... (2/28/05)
You Spin Me Right Round
I received an angry reader email this week, which for the first time in my life didn't involve Viagra, my Superbowl predictions, or a time share in the Balkans, so I thought I'd grant it some precious column time here. Concerned reader Munay Dubutu... (2/14/05)
No Balls: The History of Video Games Four
The fourth era of video games marked the downfall of Nintendo, Atari, Sega, and the British Empire. Ineptitude and folly finally came to roost as video games became a multi-boobjillion dollar industry and the jokers who'd been running it up until... (1/31/05)
Nintendo or Die: The History of Video Games Three
Last installment we ended with the great video game crash of 1982, which treated the world to visions of programmers heading west across the dust bowl in Calistoga wagons, embarrassing holes worn through their one-dollar pants. Entire landfills had... (1/17/05)
Go Home: The History of Video Games Two
The history of video games thus far can be neatly divided into three eras: the Arcade Era, which was covered in part one of this series, spanned the rise of video gaming up from the primordial, pixilated ooze. Second was the Console Era, when gamers... (12/20/04)
You Lose: The History of Video Games
Few can deny that video games have had a profound effect on our lives. Millions of hours that the youths of the past spent in idle whimsy, impregnating teenage girls, curing cancer or just farting around are now devoted to virtual carjacking, rape... (12/6/04)
Alexander the Good-Enough
If my inbox and the random uninformed street noise are any indication, interest in the ancient Macedonian king and conqueror Alexander the Great is at an all-time high right now, thanks in large part to the release of the Alexander the Great's... (11/15/04)
Damn, You Ugly: The History of Beauty
Throughout all of history, human beings have gone to excessive lengths in an effort to not be so damned ugly. Few have succeeded, but we humans have kept bravely banging our ugly heads against that wall in vain hopes of fooling others into letting... (10/18/04)
Slap Me Some Skin:A Brief History of Hand Gestures, Part 3
The first time someone saw two men slapping their palms together in greeting, one single thought inevitably bubbled its way up from the primordial ooze:
What the fuck was that?
Yes indeed, what the fuck was that? And more importantly,... (9/20/04)
Up Your Ass: A Brief History of Hand Gestures Pt. 2
Few popular hand gestures have as varied a meaning around the globe as the ubiquitous "thumbs-up" gesture, a poorly-named motion since it rarely, except in the case of huge assholes, is performed with both thumbs. But while the dual thumbs-up means... (8/23/04)
Hey, Fuck You: A Brief History of Hand Gestures
Anyone who's ever driven in traffic or attended a sporting event in Los Angeles no doubt has been given pause to marvel at the wide array of human emotions that can be expressed through simple hand gestures. From "Hello!" and "I bet you'd look good... (6/28/04)
La Di Da: The History of Alternative Energy
Few would deny we're living in troubled times: gas is really expensive, the air is polluted and you can't sleep with a hippie these days without hearing about alternative energy. Though most still tune out at the mention of windmills or crystal... (5/31/04)
The Most Embarrassing Celebrity Scandal Ever
Few things get the public juices juicing like a good celebrity scandal. Seeing the rich and famous throw up on themselves on the national stage is like an instant cure for our collective Attention Deficit Disorder, sweet candy straight to the brain.... (5/3/04)
More Fads: The 1980's
No decade since the 1950's has so boldly established itself as a fad juggernaut as did the 1980's. In comparison, the 1990's were a sad decade for fads indeed, making one wonder where the will for conspicuous time wasting had gone. Probably the best... (4/5/04)
You're So Vain:A 10-Minute History of Haiti
If reader email and misguided public graffiti is to be taken as any indication, all the hullabaloo and carryings-on in Haiti lately have left most Americans feeling like they just walked in during the middle of a bad action movie with no idea why... (3/8/04)
More Fads: The 1970's
All that writing about accidental TV nudity last column got me thinking about one thing: big hair, bare bottoms, and the Decade of the Streak. That's right, the 1970's. Actually, to be totally accurate, the 70's weren't really a historical decade,... (2/23/04)
Did You See That Shit? The History of Accidental TV Nudity
A nation awoke last Monday already colossally beyond-tired of hearing about Janet Jackson's titties, yet knowing intuitively they'd have to endure at least a month of teeth-gnashing from the three people in the world who were offended by sort-of... (2/9/04)
A Lazy Miracle: The History of the Remote Control
The American people should thank the inventor of the remote control. We should thank our fat asses off. Because if it weren't for the remote, we'd have to get up off the couch every time something crappy came on TV, which means we'd all have bionic... (1/26/04)
More Fads: The 1930's
Fads have existed from the beginning of time. From the original fad of the dinosaurs, through the first Christian who nervously fingered his WWJD lapel pin right before he was fed to the lions, fads have been a simple fact of life for eons. So it... (1/12/04)
Imperial Weights and Measures
Last issue's tome on the metric system inspired more reader mail than any column since the My Friend Polio where Omar Bricks offered to sell naked pictures of my sister to the highest bidder. This time, however, readers weren't asking if I could... (12/22/03)
Fuck the Metric System
The year was 1976, and communist cold war spies had infiltrated the U.S. government. Their mission? To convert America's God-fearing system of Imperial weights and measures to a devious red contraption known at the metric system. Did they succeed?... (12/8/03)
You Got Ice in My Greenland! You Got Green in My Iceland!
Anyone who's ever showed up naked on the shores of Greenland expecting a lush tropical paradise, only to have his dong bit off by a penguin, is liable to be curious as to how the island got its misleading name. Likewise for any cold-loving Eskimo... (11/24/03)
Why is English So Retarded?
Anyone who receives a decent volume of correspondence from the American public will be convinced of one of two things. One is that the American public is retarded. The other is that the English language is retarded. A small subset may conclude that... (11/10/03)
Cursing the Fates
Few things in life are more annoying than sports fans who think they're cursed. That is unless they think they're individually cursed, which can be hilarious. If all their breakfast cereal turns into locusts or they gain weight no matter what they... (10/27/03)
Can You Hear Me Now? The History of Sonar
The next time you're out fly-fishing on the open sea, and out of nowhere a deep rumbling beneath you swells into the thunderous surfacing of a mighty beast, a whale of elephantine proportions that promptly explodes in a cacophony of catastrophic... (10/13/03)
More Fads: The 1960's
I'm not going to shit you, after the fad orgy of the 1950's any other decade is going to leave a little something to be desired in the fad department, even the go-go 1960's. But that doesn't mean the era of civil rights and dirty young people didn't... (9/29/03)
Suck an Egg, It's Daylight Saving Time
Hello readers, we're going to take a little break from the Fad Wagon this week while I write more of that book to excerpt and you learn a thing or two about daylight-saving time. Sound fun? Tough.
Many common misconceptions survive regarding... (9/15/03)
You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 2
The gaudiest fad of the 1950's had to be the 3D movie. The early 50's were a desperate time for Hollywood studios, as audiences were staying at home on their big fat asses in record numbers and movies were faring poorly in competition with... (9/1/03)
You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads Vol. 1
Welcome to part one of a very special commune promotional feature (what the powers that be at the commune don't know won't hurt them), a series of excerpts from my upcoming book "You Look Like An Asshole: The History of Fads." Unless the world ends... (8/18/03)
Medicine for Dummies
The best part of being a professional Research Editor (and if you don't capitalize that you're shit out of luck if you expect a response email) and knowing shitloads about history is that you get to spend most of your time laughing at how stupid... (8/4/03)
Whatever Happened to the Test Tube Babies?
If you're like me, you're starting to wonder if they're ever going to come out with a pill that makes everybody beautiful, or if that was just the Twilight Zone blowing smoke up our asses. You also thought that by now the world would be... (7/21/03)
Why is Everybody Else So Fat?
It seems like you can't open an unrealistic women's magazine or go game hunting in a daycare center these days without hearing about the nation's weight problem. And it's true, America's been packing on the pounds like a newlywed in Wisconsin since... (7/7/03)
How the Internet Works
To kick things off with a bang, and also give you a taste of my own personal pain, I'd like to start off this column with a slice of reader email I received recently. "Yo yo yo Griswaaaaaaaasssup Dreck my man! Shit baby! Anyway, dude, the Internet?... (6/23/03)
What the Fuck Is Up With That New Matrix Movie?
Most of the reader mail and random catcalls I've been getting on the street lately revolve around my new haircut, which I refuse to discuss beyond warning that cutting your own hair is harder than it looks in the movies. Everything in the mirror is... (6/9/03)
From Lute to Guitar: A Guitar Primer
Recently a famous musician friend of mine who will remain anonymous, his first name Beck, asked me, "Yo, Griswald—the guitar. What the dillio?" From these utterances I constructed a crude sentence asking me the history of the guitar, and it's a... (5/26/03)
Colonel Gandhi's Chicken
The question we should all be asking, whether we know the answer or not, is this: who in the world was Mohandas K. Gandhi? Sure, you're heard the name. You may even remember his face from Mad Magazine's History, Schmistory issue from a few... (5/12/03)
Why Do People Have Kids?
As Research Editor for the commune, you can bet your collection of used nose plugs that I get my share of stupid questions. "Why is Skyy vodka clear when the sky is blue?" "Who is my biological father?" "What does it mean if my pregnancy test comes... (4/28/03)
I've Got Your Atlantis Riiight Here
The Greek philosopher Plato introduced most of us to the concept of Atlantis through his writings and limericks in ancient times. Others didn't hear about it until they made it into a happy meal. But regardless of its origins, Atlantis is a concept... (4/14/03)
Sand in the Vaseline: The History of Iraq
In ancient times, the land area that is now Iraq was famous as the birthplace of the donut. A romantic land rich in donut-making resources, Iraq was the envy of pastry-loving empires both far and wide. All was well until neighboring Iran developed... (3/31/03)
The Guinness Book of Weird Records
On the evening of Saturday, November 10th, 1951, Sir Hugh Beaver of Zackary Farms shot a pigeon in the ass. At the time, he was out pot-shotting on The North Slob by the river Stanley, in the easterly westness of Southern Ireland. The shot traveled... (3/17/03)
Common Misconceptions
As a public service, I've decided to dedicate this installment of the column to clearing up some popular misconceptions that have persevered over the years, due to superstition and our lame-duck public education system. You're welcome. It's... (3/3/03)
The Mystery of Cell Phone Bills
Modern mysteries come in all shapes and sizes, from the five-toed horny gorilla to the location of the island where they breed reality show contestants. But some of the most vexing mysteries of all come in the blandest of blandishments. Sometimes... (2/17/03)
Six Degrees of Griswald Dreck
In 1947, a researcher at MIT realized that he knew the Pope. Well, not him personally, but his cousin Bernie once met a guy who's grandfather's shoeshine man once stepped on the Pope's robe when he was staggering out of a bar one night, so that was... (2/3/03)
The Myth of Tornadoes
The first tornado, or "dizzy wind," was reported in ancient Sumer in 4914 B.C.. The Sumerian king returned home from an afternoon pillage one day to find his castle in total disarray, with royal garments strewn everywhere and the court musicians... (1/20/03)
The History of Fast Food
The original fast food was the apple, but nobody has ever liked apples so it just became the punchline to a joke all the time. Some self-important ass would run in and shout "I'm in a hurry, I need some fast food!" and somebody would toss him an... (1/6/03)
The History of Christmas
Though it might surprise the ignorant, the holiday of Christmas was celebrated long before Christ came along and limp-wristed his way into the history books, or at least the history books that are available at most major motels. They didn't call it... (12/23/02)
What the Hell Are Muppets?
Jim Henson, an unemployed sock factory worker with delusions that would make Mark David Chapman roll his eyes, titter, and run off to the closet to masturbate feverishly into a tea cozy, did not create the Muppets. Popular assumption is the asshole... (12/9/02)
Michael Jackson Has Always Existed
Countless dozens (twelves) have marveled at the way all of the great Pharaohs and other self-important assholes of ancient Egypt, not to mention their monuments like the Sphinx, the Cooney and the Guggenheim, all look exactly like Michael Jackson.... (11/25/02)
Cancer's for Pussies: How Smoking Started
It's rare that I take requests from people for columns, given that my office is very well hidden and can only be found with use of a pirate map I scribbled several years ago; at least, that's what I thought until Omar Bricks looked behind the water... (11/11/02)
Your Mama Invented Television
The original television probably wouldn't impress your average 21st-century American, who is used to all manner of razzle-dazz and flippety-flupp in the delivery of passive, couch-slumping entertainment. No, the first TV was a humble device, nothing... (10/28/02)
Susan Be Anachronism: The Dollar Coin Story
Like many of you, I've attempted to mail death threats to various celebrity personalities only to get to the post office and find the desks closed. Without human help, like most of us, I resort to these mechanical stamp-dispensing machines, and like... (10/14/02)
You've Got to be Shitting Me: The Story of the Sundial
Ever since the beginning of time, man has wondered at a way to know exactly what time it is. "Is it even really the beginning of time?" he wondered. What if it was the end of time, or the middle? No point in plowing the field today if it's going to... (9/30/02)
Pop Goes the Wiesel
Johan Emmanuel Wiesel was an eccentric Hungarian immigrant who ran a pharmacy in New York in the 1830's. An amiable fellow with an impenetrable accent, Wiesel was fond of saying "Piss on Earth, and God wilt tard men!" which got him a lot of strange... (9/16/02)
The Bermuda Triangle
In 1923, a pilot named Skeech Mulroony set out from Miami on a course for Corpus Christi, Texas, by way of the Orient. Never accused of undue intelligence or even basic map-reading ability, Mulroony headed due east and steeled himself for what he... (9/2/02)
Poop on Deck: The History of the Disposable Diaper
Few things on this earth are more vile than a topped-off pair of Pampers with the space-age plastic ass all pooched out from an unfortunate run-in with some cruel infant's monstrous movement. Of the things that are more vile, a packed diaper... (8/19/02)
Take a Tip From Me
A common question crosses many people's minds when they're scowling at credit card slips in dimly lit restaurants or digging deep into their trouser pockets for a few bills, some spare change and a condom wrapper to toss onto the table at the... (8/5/02)
The Trojan Horse
History has not been kind to the Trojans, inventors of the condom and quite possibly the stupidest people ever. Though they had an advanced culture that thrived for many thousands of years, the Trojans will always and forever be remembered as the... (7/22/02)
What Causes the Seasons?
Since the beginning of time, the seasons have intrigued, beguiled, and frostbitten man. With summer came the Sun, and with winter came the Sun's cold and evil brother, Stan. But why? Who among the Gods would allow Stan's icy reign over the... (7/8/02)
The Loch Ness Midget
In the Highlands of northern Scotland, between the towns of Acch and Edenocker there lies Loch Ness, a body of water with a name that's Scottish for "Nasty Lake." This name dates back to the time of the Picts, a clan of tattooed assholes native to... (6/24/02)
What's With All This Shit on Our Money?
Anyone who's ever not spent a dollar long enough to look at it has noticed that there's more to American money than meets the eye. Look closely and you'll see that it's not just a green rectangle of paper; it's a green rectangle of paper with little... (6/10/02)
Bush Knew All Too Well
Did President Bush know about Osama bin Laden's terrible plans before September 11th? You bet your flight-school-flunking ass he did.
On August 19th, the CIA intercepted a top-secret communication between bin Laden and one of his top aides. Does... (5/27/02)
Thomas Edison Ate My Balls
The history of the light bulb is a story of intrigue, espionage and a steamy love triangle gone bad. Unfortunately, that story has been optioned by ABC for a miniseries this fall, so we're going to have to stick to the afterschool special version.
... (5/13/02)
Sing a Song of Ecnepxis
Ever since we heard Eddie Albert scream out "Dutch Whores!" at the beginning of TV's Green Acres, we've all been curious about hidden messages in popular songs. From the suburban teen getting a much needed self-esteem boost from Ozzy... (4/29/02)
Where for Art Thou, Jimmy Hoffa?
Jimmy Riddle Hoffa. The name itself practically oozes mystery. Goopey, gelatinous mystery. Where did he come from? Where is he now? What happened between him coming here and him being wherever he is now? And what's with the kooky middle name?
... (4/15/02)
Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp-Ba-Bomp-Ba-Bomp?
It's a question that I get asked on a nearly daily basis, and understandably: just what in the hell was wrong with American music in the 1950's? History has it that the 1960's were the decade of recreational and experimental drug use, citing such... (4/1/02)
Make Mine Nougat
It's a question that has boggled the bungs of humanity for well over sixty years, and that routinely keeps schoolchildren up on sleepless nights, dooming them to academic lousiness. You may have even blown a couple grand on a research grant... (3/18/02)
Let the Games Begin
There's nothing quite like a global controversy to really bring an Olympic Games to the next level. Every Games worth its wound full of salt has at least one memorable knee-whacking or equestrian sex scandal to its name. This year the brouhaha has... (3/4/02)
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Quote of the Day“I am the very model of a modern major general. Perhaps this explains my inability to move my limbs and the pungent smell of airplane glue.”
-Gilgamesh SullivanFortune 500 CookieYou will get kicked in the balls for a good cause this week. Expect a telephone call from a long forgotten friend today—your split personality from Belgium. Lose the mustache, that "Hitler" look is so 1997. This week's stomach-pump jackpot: $20 in loose change, long-lost stash, grandma's favorite knitting needles, Nerds.
Try again later.Top 5 Worst Ways to Start a Letter| 1. | Dear Cum-Dumpsters... | | 2. | Remember you said you wouldn't lend me money even if I had abducted your family? Well… | | 3. | Fellow Grand Dragons... | | 4. | Long time, no lawsuit... | | 5. | Boy, when you moved away without telling me where you were going I thought I'd never find you… | |
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