I've Got Your Atlantis Riiight Here

The Greek philosopher Plato introduced most of us to the concept of Atlantis through his writings and limericks in ancient times. Others didn't hear about it until they made it into a happy meal. But regardless of its origins, Atlantis is a concept that has fascinated man for ages, like deodorant socks.

Plato described Atlantis as a 24-hour party island located west of the Mediterranean, by most interpretations. This is an idea that has stuck, because it sounds fun and everybody digs party islands. Others have interpreted his writings to indicate that Atlantis was anything from a cheese-filled Danish to a promiscuous teenage girl who, borrowing a term from the modern poet, was Plato's "Cherry Pie." But since many of these interpreters never actually bothered to learn ancient Greek, we're going to stick with the party island theory.

Throughout the ages much debate has arisen over the location of Atlantis. Many scholars have argued that it simply doesn't exist, and that Plato was just yanking our spank. Other scholars have argued that fuck you, what do you know about Plato, you spank-yankers? A third group of scholars called for a more civilized debate, and were pantsed.

Many others believe the remains of Atlantis make up the Bahamas, thanks to a famous 1932 reading by Edgar Cayce of striking-out baseball fame. In 1969, geometric stone slabs were found underwater at Bimini in the Bahamas that seemed to add credence to this theory. Believers claimed they were part of an ancient Atlantian roadway, while skeptics argued that's fucking crazy.

In 1970 Dr. Ray Brown claimed that he was scuba diving near the Bari Islands when he found a huge underwater pyramid that was lit from within. Without missing a beat, skeptics argued that he was the one lit from within, and they had to be shushed. Inside the pyramid he allegedly found a crystal sphere, which he said gave him God-like powers. Unfortunately, he couldn't show the sphere to anyone or exhibit the powers in any way, since that would be hot-dogging. While many respect the cleverness of his hot-dogging defense, few believe Dr. Ray actually found the crystal, or graduated from high school. The piece of shit Datsun he still drives to this day would seem to prove them right on both counts.

Some fringe theorists believe that Antarctica is actually Atlantis, and that the island boogied on south when the earth's crust slipped, in ancient times. Despite charges that they're the ones who had their crust slip, believers of this theory point to an ancient Egyptian map that shows Atlantis near the current location of Antarctica, and gives the island a shape corresponding closely to the land mass only-recently known to exist beneath Antarctica's ice. This amazing evidence might be more convincing if the map itself did not have a "Crazy Maze" game printed on the back, however.

Other theorists argue that Atlantis is located in silly places like Mexico or England, but most of them just want to be loved. One tantalizing theory has it that Atlantis was actually a nearby planet which exploded, most likely from placing too much faith in people like Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.

In 2001, scientists searching for a cure for baldness made an extraordinary find off the coast of Cuba. Sonar imaging revealed a vast plateau of geometric rock formations 2,200 feet below the surface, hinting at pyramids, roads, buildings, and several Starbucks. This begs the question: Will this finally be the elusive proof of Atlantis that crackpots have spend ages in search of?

No.

Sand in the Vaseline: The History of Iraq
In ancient times, the land area that is now Iraq was famous as the birthplace of the donut. A romantic land rich in donut-making resources, Iraq was the envy of pastry-loving empires both far and wide. All was well until neighboring Iran developed... (3/31/03)

The Guinness Book of Weird Records
On the evening of Saturday, November 10th, 1951, Sir Hugh Beaver of Zackary Farms shot a pigeon in the ass. At the time, he was out pot-shotting on The North Slob by the river Stanley, in the easterly westness of Southern Ireland. The shot traveled... (3/17/03)

Common Misconceptions
As a public service, I've decided to dedicate this installment of the column to clearing up some popular misconceptions that have persevered over the years, due to superstition and our lame-duck public education system. You're welcome. It's... (3/3/03)

The Mystery of Cell Phone Bills
Modern mysteries come in all shapes and sizes, from the five-toed horny gorilla to the location of the island where they breed reality show contestants. But some of the most vexing mysteries of all come in the blandest of blandishments. Sometimes... (2/17/03)