First Griswald Dreck Chat Transcript

Hey gang, chain gangs, and other gang members. Welcome to the commune’s first ever live chat with Griswald Dreck, answerman extraordinaire. Send in your questions now, and Dreck will put a hurting on them when he gets here at 2pm ET.


2:01pm
 Griswald Dreck: It’s on, bitch!

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Roger (Tumora, GA): hey Griswald what’s the biggestthing you ever et?

 Griswald Dreck: Roger, Roger, Roger. Why do you grace my inbox with your inimitable presence? No really, why? The courts want to know. Rather than answer your question, Roger, I’d prefer to provide you with a service you’ll come to find far more valuable. I’d like you kick you in the nuts and prevent you from breeding. Since this is difficult to accomplish through the forum of an online chat, instead I’ll recommend walking up to the next pretty girl you see, and telling her you love what she’s done with the wallpaper in her bedroom. Should accomplish the same ends.

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Chancey (STL): Hey Griswald, love the column. Or I loved a column, actually I’m not sure who wrote it. But whatever. Anyway, some asshole told me it was a scam to buy checks from the bank because the constitution says you can write a check on anything, like your ass or whatever, and the bank has to take it. Is this true? Have I really been throwing away dozens of dollars over the years on fluffy kitty checks that I didn’t even need. If so, consider me pissed.

 Griswald Dreck: Yeah Chancey, you’re an asshole. Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t the question. Getting to the point, yes you can write a check on pretty much anything and the bank will honor it, unless it’s a piece of fresh fish, because that gums up their machinery pretty badly. Over the years people have written checks on all kinds of things just to be funny or total dicks. Sometimes both, either funny total dicks or total funny dicks. My favorite is the story of the man who owed his neighbor $30, so he painted a $30 check on a door and dropped it on the neighbor from the roof as he was walking by. The beauty of that move is that you know the check will never be cashed, since it’s going to be in police custody as evidence in the murder trial. Sometimes you really can beat the system.

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Philbert (Jewston, NJ): That’s crazy dude. So, related question: Can you mail anything? Like if my bro in Philly lost one of his shoes, could I stick a stamp on 1 of mine and chuck it in the mailbox? If so, how much does that cost????????

 Griswald Dreck: It is true you can mail pretty much anything you want without a box, except for live tigers or knives with the handle cut off. Some joker tried both of those in one week back in 1974 and ruined the fun for the rest of us. So yes, you could put a stamp on a shoe and mail it if you wanted to. But it would only really be worth it if the shoe was covered in dog shit, as an act of revenge against an enemy and/or a nasty postal carrier. Pretty much anything else weird you could mail would fall into the “Shoulda mailed the dog shit shoe insteadâ€� category. Also, as a word of advice, you should probably mail your brother both of your shoes, or else you’re both going to look like dipshits. More so.

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Bob (Pittsburg): Hey GD- how come they got rid of bullpen carts in baseball?

 Griswald Dreck: Ah, Bob. I thought you’d stopped writing. As I’ve explained several times before, they stopped using bullpen carts in baseball because some insane asshole from Pittsburg kept writing to the commissioner, asking him why they used bullpen carts in baseball. This was driving everyone nuts, and the powers that be in MLB thought that getting rid of the carts would remedy the problem. Obviously they were as mistaken about this as they were about their decision to put fat men in stretchy pants.

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E. Zender (Shanesly, VT): Mr. Dreck: So, what’s it like working with all those crazy personalities at the commune? With free spirits like Omar Bricks and Ivana Folger-Balzac around, I bet it’s a blast!

 Griswald Dreck: It’s a lot like playing on a softball team with the Manson family, except without the fun of playing softball.

 Griswald Dreck: It’s a lot like playing on a softball team with the Manson family, except without the fun of playing softball.

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Big Dan (Penn St): i’ve always wondered what it would be like to fart in space. so??

 Griswald Dreck: Finally, a thoughtful, civilized question. I’m kidding of course Dan. But I’ll still answer your question in order to fulfill my foolish New Year’s Resolution to share the light of knowledge with the dull masses. And the answer is this: You still wouldn’t have any friends. Sorry.

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E. Zender (Shanesly, VT): Mr. Dreck, any chance that any of the esteemed commune staff will be attending the communeCon (a.k.a. Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club meeting) here in Shanesly in November? I hope I know the answer!

 Griswald Dreck: Not unless you count as a staff member, Emil. In other words: ha ha ha.

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Rick T. (Noboken, VT): How comes when you see the reflection of your face in a spoon, it’s all upsidown and shit? Freakshoww!

 Griswald Dreck: This has a lot to do with the way light refracts off of concave and convex surfaces, Rick. Because of the way that physics work, when you concentrate hard enough on the concave surface of a spoon, the light beams re-arrange your facial molecules until your entire face is on upside-down. Thankfully the face goes back pretty quick after you take away the spoon, unless it’s a full moon. Try not to do this around any small children, Rick, as it may shake them loose of their sanity.

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Dennis Falkner (Cleveland, OH): In Star Wars: A New Hope, rogue space smuggler Han Solo boasts to Luke and Obi-Wan that the Millennium Falcon could make the famed “Kessel Run� in under twelve parsecs. But a parsec is a measure of distance, not time! Did Solo mean that he had somehow found a shorter route through the Run, or was Lucas simply that naïve about matters of space/time?!?

 Griswald Dreck: I’m sorry, did you ask a question? I stopped reading after you mentioned Star Wars. Okay, I’m lying, I stopped reading after I heard you were from Cleveland. I mean come on.

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E. Zender (Shanesly, VT): Me again Griswald. If you could be any historical figure, past or present (commune employee or otherwise) who would it be? And why?

 Griswald Dreck: Okay, last Emil Zender question. There is only one correct answer to this question, regardless of whom you ask, and that answer is Archbishop Desmond Tutu. End of debate.

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lenny (kitchin): if you could eat your own face, how come you can’t eat your own face? i think you could do it except for the mouth part, because that’s like one of them snakes eats his own butt. But the rest of it, you could eat that. how come stamps got people on ‘em?

 Griswald Dreck: That's my cue!

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2:15pm
 Griswald Dreck: I’m afraid my time’s up folks, thanks for taking part in the first-ever commune live chat. They hope to do this again some time. By “theyâ€� I mean the powers-that-be at the commune. Notice that I didn’t use the more-common “we.â€� Please notice this. Goodnight.

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