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Fallujah, Iraq HILTS FAMILY The escaped “Cooler King” was welcomed home by friends and family Thursday. he small remainder of the world that follows the news applauded the escape of more than 200 Iraqi hostages Thursday, who freed themselves from an unidentified terrorist group in the heart of the war-torn country. Just outside of Fallujah, U.S. military discovered a traveling band of 40 or so escaped hostages, and within hours began to receive word of other hostages who had also escaped the same small terrorist encampment, numbers totaling 213 freed hostages, who credited their successful escape to U.S. Army Captain S. Hilts. Hilts, who was debriefed by U.S. military officials but did not speak directly to the ravenous western press, said the escape was the result of weeks of planning, tactical distraction, digging, and the production of some high-quality potato moonshine. Instead of taking credit for the escape himself, Hilts remarked on the bravery and ingenuity of his fellow hostages. 
Added Hilts: “It’s the duty of every freedom-loving military man to work day and night to escape.” The statement marks a drastic turnaround from hostage philosophies of the past, including 1980 Iranian hostages Commander Shears, who was intent to ride out the situation without drawing attention to himself, or British Colonel Alec Nicholson, who actually aided the Iranians by building a bridge over a local river to aid terrorist movement. Who exactly is Capt. S. Hilts? A son of an Indiana mechanic, Hilts served in the Army in both the original Gulf War and its poorly received sequel. Hilts was among the 213 hostages, both military and civilian, who had been abducted in recent weeks by terrorists believed to be allied with either Al-Qaeda, the Saddam Hussein loyalists, or one of the other 300 groups who simply like to kidnap and kill westerners. Hilts had been used as leverage in video taped messages urging the freeing of all Iraqi prisoners. While this strategy has traditionally worked remarkably well against all sorts of enemies, this time there was little to no response from U.S. or coalition governments. The lack of reply might have something to do with Hilts’ outburst in the final frames of the video tape: “Listen to me!” shouted Hilts, tossing aside the written statement he had started to read, standing up and resisting efforts of jackbooted Iraqis to hold him down. “We’re Americans! We don’t roll over and do something when we’re at the end of a gun! Don’t worry about us! We’ll be alright—we’re gonna walk out of here one day, into a free land and back home to our wives and families. You hear that, Susie? I’m comin’ home to you before you know it!” Though the tape abruptly ended, the message was clear: America didn’t plan on being pushed around by the huge terrorist machine. And sure as his word, Hilts was found wandering the desert, looking to reconnect with his unit as soon as possible. But not walking as he had promised, but riding a state-of-the-art Iraqi military motorcycle, with which he jumped the walls of the compound. According to the U.S. soldiers who recovered the escaped hostage, Hilts’ first job was to eat a hearty plate of pork chops and apple sauce while giving military intelligence all the information he could about his captors, a group of 15 or so terrorist insurgents who actually did a keen job of keeping 200+ Americans hidden in a detained area of an occupied country. What’s next for Hilts and his fellow escapees? “I guess we’ll be going back into service, those of us that can. We’ve got us an occupation to win!” the commune news is quite impressed with this great escape—it sure beats the way some of these weasels slip out of here ten minutes before 5 and fill out their time cards for the full day. Ramon Nootles is a correspondent. Any other information is on a need-to-know basis.
 |  Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them “Gitmo” Detainees  Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett’s Life  Serial Killer’s Neighbor: “He just wouldn’t shut up about serial killing.”  R.C. Car Enthusiasts Angered by Latest Mars Mission Snub |
Lawyers for Gitmo Detainees Lobby to Stop Calling Them “Gitmo” Detainees Fans Mourn First 30 Years of Puckett’s Life Serial Killer’s Neighbor: “He just wouldn’t shut up about serial killing.” R.C. Car Enthusiasts Angered by Latest Mars Mission Snub |
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Boris is SpiderHello reading you. Boris being here to tell you exciting story of adventures and foods does Boris eat. Yes yes yes, is event of year, true. Boris enjoys time in New Olean, magic place of spicing things. All things here is spicing, food so hot does burn Boris bottom hole. Even water is spicing, special brown water does come in tiny cup for Thumbelina! So spicing for Boris, but magic fun. Big new! Boris does find spider which is great thing is because so Boris can sing “BORIS IS SPIDER!” song to spider Boris does find. Is clear? Yes. Boris does find spider on bricks wall that is alone because building does go somewheres else. Spider is here, like: Here I am climbing building, and now is just wall. What is this? So Boris will take him in pocket to many places of tour!
º Last Column: New Olean is Made for Boris
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Looking spider, there is busting sewerge line thing that does shoot funny smell water high in air like olden faithful thing. And over there, there is house that is now house for shrimp boat does fall out of sky. Look—you are not looking, spider! Don’t not worry, Boris will get for you spider snacks after tour is over, but now must pays attention to all destroying crap on Boris tour of this magics place. This, spider, is building which inside is car magnet, attracting all cars from neighborhood and now buildings is like Christmas tree with car hornaments. Yay for Christmas! Is timing to hide, spider! Here is coming team from “Hide and Seek for Boris” game! Boris doesn’t not like this game so much, but team does love too much to quit. Shhhh. No spider squeaking. Boris spider does love Boris spider snacks. Like crumb from donut—favorite spider food. And to swims in coffee, another favorite spider thing. Spider also does love to go for ride on baseball Boris does find floating in street. Is like spider car with not seat belts. Sad thing though is that Boris spider does sleepwalks during nighttimes. So dangerous to wander aways and be stepped on by street moose or team from “Hide and Go Boris.” So, for safe thing Boris must tie Spider to shoe with fishes line at nights. Is hard, yes, but spider is thanking Boris with bodies language. Funny part is persons on street does think Boris crazy nuts who talking to self, because for them not to see Boris is really talking to spider. Silly not looking in Boris pocket persons! For real, this is best thing happen to Boris in forever long time. Little spider friend does make all things good times. Yay for spider! And of course Boris does love th—oh shits, Boris does step on spider. Is end of stories. Goodnight. º Last Column: New Olean is Made for Borisº more columns
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ReunificationFew of you would have guessed who is the greatest peacekeeper in the world, if I didn’t tell you right now it’s me—Rok Finger. I do not own this title simply because I’ve bestowed it upon myself, and am too big and intimidating to keep people from taking it away again. I own this title now because I have brought together the two estranged neighborhoods surrounding me, with nothing but this silver tongue in my mouth. Never let it be said bodypaint didn’t bring something good to the world. Perfunctory backstory: I found out Poodlegrass, the neighborhood Ginger and I live in, is more properly called West Poodlegrass. This explained immediately why I have not been getting my mail, and I presume some hotshot over in East Poodlegrass has been enjoying that pubic hair comb & brush set I bought from eBay, but that’s a rant for another time. The neighbors won’t talk to me, of course, but they did mention to Ginger when she inquired about the mail trouble that West Poodlegrass and East Poodlegrass frequently had mail mix-ups.
º Last Column: Riding the Crime Wave
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This might have been enough for the unambitious female mind of my adoring wife, and the endless drones living around us, but Rok Finger had to wonder: Why West and East Poodlegrass? Had there been an irreparable rift between the two at some point in history? And if so, was this irreparable rift beyond repair? I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t think so. So, owning the gigantic brass balls that I do, I ventured into the hellish maw of East Poodlegrass and braved their idiot rabble and unintelligible accents to talk to their leaders—frightened and worried about what kind of bizarre government they might practice. Well, turns out they aren’t all that different from us, although they do practice a strange kind of “democracy” where officials are chosen by the populace to represent their wishes as a government body that decides laws and enforces them. Quite a twist from our own secret oligarchy, eh? Red Bagel would be impressed. Hmm. I got sidetracked. Quite unlike me. But anyhow, it turns out Poodlegrass was separated for purposes of deciding county borders. West Poodlegrass is in the traditional and respectable Pork County side of New Jersey, while East Poodlegrass resides in the forgettable and tragic Bowling County. Well, just give up now, I thought, you can’t change county lines. Or could I? No, I couldn’t. But I did have an entreaty for the president of the East Poodlegrass Neighborhood Block Association: “Mr. Gorblatt, tear down the wall that divides our two great neighborhoods!” I was at this point informed it’s not a wall at all, but a stalled-out train that’s been parked on the tracks for a great number of months, and they were as interested in moving it as I was. What a thundering blow for freedom! All I had to do was get this train moving again. A simple matter, of course. Whenever I want something big and ungainly removed and lack the ability to do it myself, I merely inform Omar Bricks that I overheard his old nemesis Johnshark Remnants say nobody could move it. Competitive he is, I’ll give him that. By the next morning the train had disappeared, washing up off the Jersey shore and making quite a news story. But my interest ended there. I had done it: Maybe East and West Poodlegrass would still have separate names, but now residents could freely cross the tracks as they wished and exchange their correct mail with each other. Thanks all to me—and I guess Bricks gets some honorable mention in all this, if you’re going to hold me to the wall on it. What’s next? I’m not sure. But I do think it’s time those two Carolinas stopped all that fussin’ and fightin’. º Last Column: Riding the Crime Waveº more columns
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Quote of the Day“The day destroys the night, the night divides the day, carry the four, times the weekend, round up from seven, and: Presto! 14. Not sure what that means, I’ll get back to you next album.”
—Gin OrbisonFortune 500 CookieMonkeys and live electrical wire are a bad combo for you this week. Try combing your hair with a rake—hey, maybe those jokers were right. You will quit smoking this week, and upgrade to the syringe. Don’t take any shit from the crippled, elderly, or the extremely weak: pretty much anybody you can get your girlfriend to beat up. This week’s lucky burritos: Refried Revenge, Chock-Full- O-Olives, The Grand Mal, Nuthin-But-Sour- Cream, El Sleeping Bag, Someone Beaned My Ass Tonight.
Try again later.Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations| 1. | Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special “Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics” diet | | 2. | Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it | | 3. | Paunchy, long-haired trainer “Camaro Dan” not actual fitness expert | | 4. | Dosed with Nyquil—during daylight hours! | | 5. | Bonds’ bats made from genetically-modified maple trees | |
|   Bulshitzkizu Takes Gold at Whiter Olympics   2
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6 Oscarama! What’s that smell, America? Why, that’s Oscar Fever in the air, and yes, it smells a lot like Kenny Roger’s Roasters. It’s Oscar Season, pure and simple, and as the big night approaches, we should take a moment to root through the nominees, digging for picks to stick and chick flicks to kick. So without further adieu, let’s strap on the hip waders and get down to business! 
Best Picture Brokeback Mountin’Gay, you have a new name, and it’s… not coming to me right now. White guy, kind of good looking. Plays a gay guy in— nevermind. While this one will surely win the gay vote in Hollywood, look for staunch resistance from Hollywood’s teaming hoards of fundamentalist Christians. Should be a close one, as “Battles of Civilizations” go. CarpartThis moving biopic about the squeaky-voiced guy who did the voice for my personal-favorite muppet, Carpart, moved viewers and massive quantities of popcorn, so look for it to get strong support from the popcorn lobby, a powerful ally come Oscar time. CrashWhile undoubtably the best Dave Matthews video ever, Hollywood insiders have a hard time taking a four- minute film seriously as a Best Picture contender. And the complete snub of Dave Matthews in the Best Actor category doesn’t bode well for this one’s chances. Look for it to lock in the frat vote regardless. Good Night,
and Fuck OffThe man who was born to be Batman, George “Rosemary’s Baby” Clooney, thrilled us once again with this moving tale of the rudest AT&T operator to ever wear the smock. Did you know those guys wore smocks? Neither did I, before this movie. Sometimes they did sound kind of smocked-up when I’d call, but I always chalked it up to a bad connection on my end, since I used to keep my phone in the freezer when not in use, to help preserve freshness. Anyway… MunchSure to lock in the art-freak vote, Marilyn Manson’s turn as that freaky screaming guy on the bridge brought a lot of attention to this little film about the Norwegian painter who was terrified of cloaked dudes with butcher knives taunting him over the phone. The film’s real triumph was lending gravitas to a character crazy enough to be terrified of a scenario involving a device that wouldn’t be invented for several more decades. If the academy doesn’t go gay this year, this film could take home the little chiseled naked guy. Best Actor Philip Dustin Hoffman
CarpartI don’t know how many hours of old Sesame Streets he had to watch to get the voice right, but PDH has done it again, greasing up the screen with his inimitably slouchy appearance. Seriously, if the next Tenacious D album incorporates Muppet-like backing vocals, I’ll know their long-lost third member has finally bellied up to the band. Terrence Howard
Bustle & FloatProving once again that it ain’t over until the fat lady sings an Annie Lennox song, Terrence Howard, better known as Moe from the old Three Stooges shorts, came out of retirement this year and bitch-slapped his way back into our hearts. I’d call him the front-runner for the award even if he wasn’t, because I don’t want to get my nose twisted in a wrench. Heath Ledgbar
Brokeback Mountin’That’s right, I knew his name sounded like a candy bar I don’t like. But to my embarrassment I’ve been calling him Baby Ruth all week. Ledgbar and his fellow screen pirate Skor Gylllenhaall, steamed up gay drive-ins across the country with their startlingly believable portrayal of two straight guys pretending to be gay and cowboys. Considering Ledgbar’s redneck background, this was especially impressive, because he likely had to kick his own ass every day at the end of filming. Youaqueen Phoenix
Wok the LimeBringing country superstar Johnny Cash’s bizarre mid-career period spent as a troubled Asian cooking show host couldn’t have been easy, but it had to have been a cakewalk compared to growing up as a man with a first name like You-a-queen, and Phoenix knocks this one out of the park. David Straighthair
Good Night, and Fuck OffDon’t know who he is, don’t know where he came from, but he can be rude to me on the phone any time. ‘Nuff said. Best Actress Judi Dench
Mrs. Harry and the HendersonsDidn’t see it, smelt it, and that was enough. Good night and fuck off. Charlie’s Theron
North CountryThat Ugandan supermodel with the weirdly-possessive first name stuns the easily- stunned glitterati of Hollywood yet again with her amazing transfor- mation into Oliver North, in this well-starched biopic yawner. Kudos to her, and I can’t wait to see her upcoming turn as Grimace in the currently-filming McDonaldland movie. Let’s hope she takes a break from filming that one to show up at the Oscars, in character! Akira Nightly
Pride & PrejuiceThanks for the traditional gag name nominee, Academy! I’ll get back to you as soon as I get the gag. Felicity Huffman
TransamericairlinesThat black chick from the WB show nobody every watched finally gets her shot at the big screen, in a movie nobody watched, either, but they had to nominate her in case she was great. Simple enough. Reese Witherspieces
Wok the LimeIllegally Blonde star Reese Witherspieces rocks the cazbah with her thrilling turn as Johnny Cash’s loyal wife Whatserpieces, nailing the role right down to her pitch-perfect Asian accent and hilarious “Me so haaawwwny!” catch phrase. Oscar, your new name is Whatserpieces! Second-Best Actor George Clooney
Silly AnnaThe ‘cloon was busy this year, writing, directing, acting, and throwing telephones at the help, but some have argued he was nowhere better than in his make-up heavy role as Anna Nichole Smith’s 700-year-old millionaire husband, an oil tycoon obsessed with the age-defying nutritive properties of breast milk. I’ve seen the movie twice (and some parts more than that) and can say with a blasé confidence that he’s got the SBA Oscar wrapped up like a deli sandwich to go. William Hurt
A History of ViolenceNow there’s a gag nominee I can get behind! Second-Best Actress Michelle Williams
Brokeback Mountin’There was a chick in this movie? Freaky. Whoever she was gets an Oscar automatically in my book, though they might want to piggyback some kind of make-up award onto this one as well, to be fair. And that’s about all we’ve got time to cover this week, America. There will surely be some other minor awards, for writing, directing, and catering, but I think we’ve hit all the biggies. And I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see who takes home the nudie! See you there, in the sense that I’ll be watching it on TV and you’ll be watching it on TV, too, so in some strange way I’ll be seeing you through some kind of Matrix cross- networked brain-mesh wave thing. I don’t pretend to understand the science of this. Until then!   |
