May, 2000
Well, hello there, America! Roland McShyster is back and on the attack with another month’s load of Entertainment-related booty! I’ve dug up some real nuggets for you to this month, in the never-ending search for quality amongst our cultural wasteland. But first, I’d like to introduce a feature new to EP, it’s time for "Ask Roland"! That’s right, your old buddy Roland McShyster is here to answer your Entertainment-related questions, so keep the emails and telegrams flooding in folks, you just might see your name in lights!

Q. Hey Roland, I’m your biggest fan! I was watching Sabrina Teenage Witch the other day and they had a commercial for the movie "Bats", and they quoted you man! Remember what you said about it was a "biting political satire aimed at the ruling class"? They quoted the "biting" part in really big letters! And since I was taping the show for my friend Jenna I was able to rewind the tape and pause it and sure enough, down at the bottom in the cutest little tiny letters you ever did see it either said Roland McShyster or Romald Mashusten, but since I never heard of the Romald guy I think it was you! Way to go man! You rock!
Stacey Loenbrau, Tit River, New Jersey

A. Thanks Stacey! It’s fans like you who make all those years I spent writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter worthwhile. But I think you’re mistaken about one thing, Stacey. It’s YOU who rocks! Go girl!

Q. I’m troubled by the recent DVD release of Charlie Chaplin’s "Limelight". The promotional materials clearly indicate that the release is to be dual-layered in widescreen format, with an aspect ratio of 16:9. Yet when viewing the disc at home, I’m clearly seeing a 2.35:1 anamorphic picture. What gives?
Rodman Oldham, New Liver, Connecticut

A. Thanks for your question, Rodman! Be sure to check your mailbox in a few weeks for your own complimentary Entertainment Police travel mug and your official Dudbusters badge. Keep the questions coming, America!

Now on to the movies!

In Theaters Now:

American Psycho
The touching story of a psychopath from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to cut up a lot of people with an electric turkey knife, this documentary documents his struggles through local, county-wide and tri-state killing sprees and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever make the cover of Newsweek?

Emperor and the Assassin
That creepy old guy from Return of the Jedi and Lee Harvey Oswald star in this screwball buddy picture with more dick jokes than Ellen’s baby shower. Can the old guy and Oswald make it across Canadian customs with their trousers crammed full of summer sausage? I promise you’ll never eat bratwurst again.

Ghost Dog
Spooky, spooky thriller about a family who didn’t want any pets, but found mysterious stains behind the couch and felt eerie, sniffing sensations around their crotch areas anyway.

High Fidelity
Fidel Castro makes his move to capture the hearts of American moviegoers (in much the same way as Hitler and Mussolini did last year) in this Cheech & Chong inspired madcap comedy about a burnout cargo-plane pilot trying to smuggle eight tons of weed into communist Cuba.

Mission to Mars
Can Lee Marvin and his band of Space Cowboys save the mission from those tequilla-swilling martian motherfuckers? Hold on to your seat, seniorita, this is one wild ride.

Romero Must Die
Jesus, so you didn’t like Escape from LA. Tell it to your shrink.

The Whole Nine Yards
Look folks, Roland McShyster swings like a baby rocker set on high, but I draw the line at elephant porn. Jesus.

Now on Video:

American Beauty
The touching story of an alcoholic from Wisconsin who wants nothing more than to be a Beauty Pageant winner, this documentary documents his struggles through regional, backyard and spontaneous parking-lot beauty pageants and leaves you hanging with the final question: Will he ever be Miss America?

Anna and the King
History tells us that Anna Nicole Smith and Elivis Presley lived out one of the greatest love stories ever told, like Napoleon and Mrs Napoleon, or Joanie and Chachi. This is their tale of cross-country romance, packed with heart-pounding action, nauseating suspense and gigantic boob shots that’ll make toddlers thirsty.

Girl, Interrupted
Damned fax machine, I’m taking this thing back to OfficeMax in the morning.

Come back soon for more Entertainment than you can shake a big, fat wallet at!